fbpx
Sign In

This is a guest post from Emma Salt about raising an atypical child.

*

Perhaps you've always known you have an atypical child, or perhaps it's all new territory for you. Either way, when a doctor looks you in the eye and confirms a diagnosis related to your child's physical, cognitive, or emotional development, it can be jarring for the whole family.

Some people get a diagnosis quickly. For others, it may come after months or years of trying to get people to listen, to understand and to help their atypical child. Regardless when you get the diagnosis, however, your life changes.

No matter how "ready" we were for the news that you have an atypical child, it may still come as a shock.

Both of our children are atypical. One has ADHD; the other, autism.

Both are amazing, but the journey we have been on with both of them has been tough. If my background wasn't teaching, I'm not sure we would have known what to say and what to do to push things forward. (We are based in the UK and processes and support systems differ around the world.)

Still, the emotional journey that parents of an atypical child experience are often similar to one another.

The emotional process for the parent

Our youngest was almost 14 when we finally got an Autism diagnosis. We could see atypical behaviors at home from a very young age, but our eldest has ADHD. With two atypical children, there was no 'typical' to compare with. He met developmental milestones, although, looking back, he met them in his own atypical way.

The final straw for us was a school residential when he was 9. He was

differently wired
Click to buy on Amazon (afflinks)

nervous before he went (he's never been keen on staying away from home), and when I picked him up from school, I could see from the look on his face that something was very wrong. He got in the car and cried all the way home.

He just sat next to me and sobbed. When we got home, he curled up on the sofa and a migraine started, and then he vomited. The stress of the past 36 hours had built and built and this was the result. I realised that our quirky individual was more than quirky.

Something was going on. It wasn't just that he didn't want to stay away from home, he couldn't stay away from home. He wasn't just an eclectic individual; he was atypical, and I needed to get him help.

I made an appointment to see our GP. I had told our son that we were going to the doctor to see if someone could help with his worries, and he was happy with this. I remember it was a warm May morning and the doctor's office was stuffy and busy, and the doctor was running very late.

In the waiting area, an elderly gentleman with a kind face smiled and talked to my son. My son growled in reply. I had never heard him do this before, and it shocked me. He pulled his hood over his head and wouldn't make eye contact with anyone.

When we finally got called in, the atypical behavior carried on. He climbed onto a chair and crouched, then he sat on the floor and rocked. He refused to talk to the doctor, but his behavior meant that I didn't need to say much. My child was showing everything I wanted to explain. He wasn't attention seeking or misbehaving; he was just a child who was stressed and showing a deficit in social skills.

I was heartbroken by what I saw that day. My beautiful child wasn't typical. He was almost 10, but couldn't function in a crowded room.

Pin this!

Once the cycle of atypical behaviors started, the only thing that would stop it was coming home.

When we told our families that our child was going to be screened for autism, there was a range of reactions. Most people were very supportive, but others didn't see atypical development or behavior. They couldn't understand why we were doing what we were doing, and some refused to

Sensory options to consider - click for details on Amazon

see it.

Even though we were in the system, the assessment for diagnosis took a year. We had this assessment through CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service). We had to fill out a form, his school had to fill out a form, and then our child had a 1-2-1 assessment.

We went back three weeks later for the result. We were told he had traits but not a full diagnosis. My reaction was one of disappointment, but then guilt that I was disappointed he didn't have a diagnosis (and that mum guilt would come in waves over the next few years).

He then went to secondary school, and everything (anxiety, stress, the difference between the typical and atypical children) seemed to increase. He is a clever child, and he knew that he wasn't the same as many of his peers. He felt different, and this awareness impacted his mental health.

We went back again for another assessment, but this time we were told he couldn't be re-assessed, but they diagnosed clinical anxieties, so he had cognitive behavioural therapy. The following spring, four years after our first attempt to get him diagnosed, he asked to go back. He knew he was different, he knew that he had a different developmental trajectories to his peers (some more advanced, some less), and he knew he was autistic.

He wanted a diagnosis, and as parents, we respected that decision.

CAMHS would not see us again, and so we were sent to the Children's Department who were amazing. He was assessed again. The assessment took much longer this time, and just four months after this referral, he had his diagnosis

I sobbed when they told us.

I cannot begin to express the toll this journey took on me, and how it affected my mental health. I was on such a rollercoaster. I felt guilt for pushing for a diagnosis, and yet more guilt for not noticing atypical development and strange developmental milestones. Should we have asked for a diagnosis earlier? As parents, had we let our child down? Should be have been more aware of the difference between typical and atypical behaviors?

Most of all, though, I felt guilt for grieving the life our child would not have. He is wonderful, he is social (when he is motivated to be), he is an integral part of our family and he makes our lives better.

But life is tough for him sometimes, tougher than it should be. As a parent, it is very hard to see that without being able to make it all better.

Related: Check out Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting's expert interview with Debbie Reber, Author of Differently Wired.

What kind of support does the parent of an atypical child need?

Parents of atypical children need people who will listen and sit with them in their dark days. They need people who nod in the right places without giving too much advice, or telling you the latest 'cure' they've read online. They need a support network of likeminded people, and they need people with a relatable sense of humor, because, sometimes, that's what gets you through the day!

Family is important, but sometimes family members just won't get it -- the diagnosis, what it means, and the impact an atypical child may have on the parents' life, both good and bad.

For me, try to get them involved for as long as you can, but the mental health of you and your child has to come first. If seeing an aunt who will not try to understand what is going on upsets your child, you have to ask yourself if that aunt is worth seeing. This is harsh, but you have enough to deal with, and sometimes it's easier to walk away.

You also need to make time for you. That could be anything from a holiday away without your children, a day at a spa, a walk in the woods or for me, I have half an hour most mornings before anyone else is up. I indulge in social media, online games, reading a book, looking out of the window or whatever I want.

That is my time, and it gives me time to breathe before the day starts.

atypical child
Pin this!

What should kids know about their own "atypical" diagnosis?

There are lots of debates about what to tell your child, and what to tell people you meet, and I think the unhelpful answer to these dilemmas is 'do what's right for you'. For us, our children were not diagnosed with their atypical conditions (and even calling them conditions can trigger a response from some atypical adults - if this is you, I apologise), so they had strong identities before their diagnosis. They have not been defined by their diagnoses.

The diagnosis is seen as a lens rather than a label, and this is how our children see it, too.

We are also as honest with our children as we can be. When our youngest was being screened for dyslexia, h was only 7. We told him that he was going to see a lady who would try and find ways to make reading and writing at school a little easier.

When we got his diagnosis of dyslexia and we told him, he looked at us and said, 'Well, I know that already, I think like my brother!' Our oldest is

sensory tubes
Calming sensory tubes - click for details on Amazon

severely dyslexic. If they are high functioning, then they probably already know.

Our eldest was almost 17 when he was diagnosed with ADHD. For him, it was a relief; he had felt every day that he was going mad, that there was something 'wrong' with him. Once he knew he had ADHD, a huge chunk of worry left.

I should add that we decided not to have him screened when he was younger as we didn't want another label - in hindsight, this was the wrong decision. It is better, in my opinion, to have a correct diagnosis and be able to put support plans in place than to have a label such as a naught, disruptive or aggressive child. Back to my earlier point, though, you need to do what is right for your family and situation.

What kind of support does the atypical child need?

You have to remember that support is not a one size fits all package. Both my children have dyslexia, one severely, one significantly (although I don't think those terms are used any more), but with the initial diagnosis and report, there is not much difference between them. However, in terms of academics, school, behavior, development, reading and writing, they are completely different -- as is the support they need.

One issue we've had with education is that teachers who have not experienced atypical children firsthand (either as a parent, sibling, close relative or child) do not understand this. Not only are atypical children, well, atypical, each has their own atypical development and developmental needs.

As a parent, I like to know as much as I can about anything that's new to me, so I have endless books on dyslexia, ADHD, ASD, raising the atypical child, schooling, unschooling and so on.

The search for more and more information got overwhelming, when what I should have done was ask my children what they need. Yes, there are things that are applicable to most atypical children. Yes, there are proven aids and therapies that may help. Yes, there are strategies that can be put in place, but at the end of the day, you need to get the support that your child needs.

Parenting atypical children can be exhausting, the battles with school to get help can feel overwhelming, visits to hospitals or therapists can feel never ending, but I wouldn't change a thing.

About the Writer

I am a mum of two boys who both have barriers to learning/SENDs, and I am a qualified teacher, and have taught a wide range of students from 13 to 60+ for the last 19 years. 

From both parent and teacher perspectives, I feel that so many children miss out on so much that education has to offer.  As a parent, I find it frustrating to see my children climbing mountains every day, and as a teacher I find it frustrating that I can’t always do what is needed to make every child achieve their potential.

I blog about my journey as a parent, from how I felt with the diagnoses, how my children feel and how my husband and I make our family a safe, happy unit. 

In Part 2 of this interview excerpt, Sarah at Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting discusses with Dr. Laura Markham of Aha! Parenting how to help an older sibling adjust to a new baby in the home. (Part 1 is here if you missed it.)

If you’d like to see the full interview, which covers the lifespan of nurturing the relationship through childhood, from introducing the new baby and on through the teenage years, you can view it here.

Watch Full Interview Here

Dr. Laura Markham is the best-selling author of three books, including “Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids” and its associated workbook, and our topic for today, “Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings,”

Sarah of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting on introducing the new baby:

Now, let's say a couple of months have gone by and now older sibling is thinking, "The new baby is really not going anywhere and now I'm starting to feel the effects of -- yeah, maybe mommy and daddy

peaceful parent happy kidsSave

Click to learn more. Afflinks.

have been doing a really good job of filling my bucket, but I still kind of wish it were just me sometimes. And I still wish...you know, I'm missing the good old days, back when I was the little kid, back when I was the new baby."

Sometimes, their way to communicate that comes out as tricky behavior.

Now, we are still more than likely sleep-deprived. We are still more than likely figuring out, ourselves, what it means to have more than one child, and more than one schedule,

peaceful parent happy siblingsSave

Click to learn more

and all of the things that go along with having more than one child in the house.

Many parents at this point in their exhaustion, in their lack of emotional resources, sometimes turn to some more traditional disciplinary methods.

 "You know what? I can't deal with your tantrum right now -- time out," or "I don't have the resources myself to know how to handle you. So I'm going to just separate more."

Can you talk a little bit about the impact of that and what we can do instead, from a brain science perspective, to prepare to foster that connection with a new baby, to decrease that sibling rivalry, and to set us back on a healthier better course as a family?

peaceful parent workbook laura markhamSave

Dr. Laura Markham on helping an older child adjust to a new baby:

Well, we know that behavior is driven by needs and emotions, right?

So, if our child is acting out, there's something behind that, as you've just said. It's the child realizing that this is not going to change. This new baby is here to stay.

At that point, when the child begins to act out, parents often are just frustrated with a child and they also, I've noticed -- moms, especially -- often feel a little defensive because the child is actually grieving.

And they are like, "I did not ruin your life," but actually the child feels like their life just got ruined.

This isn't a permanent condition. But as with all grief, you have to go through it. You can't go around it.

So I think we, as parents, have to acknowledge that our older child will go through some grief. - Dr. Laura Markham on helping an older child adjust to a new baby in the home

Parents often say, "Oh no, my child loves the new baby."

Of course they love the new baby. That's not a problem. I mean, maybe they do. Let's hope they do. If so, you've done a great job, but that doesn't mean they aren't grieving for what they lost, right?

They can love the new baby and still feel grief. That's sort of confusing if you're three or four, or two or six. You still could feel a lot of confusion over it. You don't want to resent the baby and maybe you love the baby. But you also really wish things were the way they used to be.

new baby
Pin this!

So we have to acknowledge that our children will feel grief. And that grief is okay to feel. Grief has a few stages, as we know. One of those stages is anger. One is bargaining, right?

So what happens with bargaining? "We can send the new baby back, right?"

[Anger about the new baby] might be directed at us. And most of us, if the older child directs anger at the baby, we flip out. We have to protect our newborn or our 2 month old. We just flip. But of course we protect the baby.

And we know if our child is having a hard time, we don't leave our child. You know, one mom told me that her three-year-old -- she had put the nine-month-old strapped into a baby seat. And she was taking a shower.

She put him right outside the shower, and the three-year-old was playing with his Legos. The three-year-old came over. He was being potty trained, and he peed all over his brother -- which is so hysterical -- it's like marking territory, right?

And of course, we're just beside ourselves with rage.

If you know your kid is that angry, you don't just leave. I know it's hard. You want to shower, but you don't just leave your your nine-month-old strapped into a seat, because the three-year-old could have done something worse, you know. You don't know what your three-year-old could do, and he doesn't understand how serious it is.

We have to be aware. We're the grown-ups. We have to be aware that they're going to have some big feelings. And if we give them a constructive way to work through their emotions, then they're unlikely to take them out on the baby. - Dr. Laura Markham on adjusting to the new baby

 When you notice your child having a hard time, immediately start using what I would call preventive maintenance, techniques, which one should use anyway.

You don't just change your oil in your car once it starts sputtering. Hopefully, you change the oil at the right mileage, right? So that is the way preventive maintenance works.

Dr. Laura Markham discusses helping an older child adjust to a new baby

So what would preventive maintenance be for your child?

Number one: empathy. Whatever your child is feeling is allowed.

If your child says, "I hate the new baby," even if they're just muttering it as they, you know, as you have to stop playing trucks with them to go and get the baby, who's started to cry.

If they say it when you come back, you say "I heard you say you hate the new baby."

Don't let your buns be pushed by the word "hate."

"You know, I think sometimes It must really bother you to have the new baby in our house. It must be so hard to have me leave when you want me to stay and play trucks. It must be so hard to wait when my hands are busy with the baby and you want me to help you. It must be hard." So you're acknowledging his feelings.

You're not putting ideas in his head.

You know, every child is going to have some of these negative feelings. They have to be allowed to tell you. - Dr. Laura Markham on helping older siblings adjust to a new baby

The interesting thing I've noticed, or I've heard from parents, is once they open that door, they get an earful. Once they make it okay for them. If they say, "You can always tell me how you feel, and I will always listen; I will always try to help," and you give them a hug once you say that, and they have that permission.

They'll tell you, "I hate you! You should never have had this baby."

Parents get a little fed up with it sometimes, but here's the thing. If they respond with love and patience and saying -- don't respond to the hate part -- you know, that's just your child trying to push your buttons, because that's their anger again, coming from the grief.

Just say, "It must be hard sometimes, and you've got support."

Whenever we're asking our child to rise to a level, to exhibit behavior that's hard for them, it helps if we give them the support to do that. And in this case, the support is our empathy. - Dr. Laura Markham on helping older siblings adjust to a new baby

So that's #1 in preventive maintenance: empathy.

The second thing in preventive maintenance would be one-on-one time. There has to be time without the baby. You have to spend time with that child without the baby.

And if you've got a baby who wakes it's up every 10 minutes and you have to hold them through their naps because they won't sleep -- I mean, there are those babies, right? You're going to have to figure something else out with your partner, with a sitter, with whoever you've got, so that you can spend some one-on-one time with your older child.

They need it. And they need you to not be checking on the baby during that time. It's got to be -- you're there for them 100%, pouring your love into them.

new baby
Pin this!

Another thing that is really helpful is roughhousing. And roughhousing, there's nothing rough about it. It is just tossing your child around to get them laughing. You can play specific games. Whatever gets them laughing is good. We already talked about why that's important.

Roughhousing changes their body chemistry in ways that make them more open to your influence and more connected to you, and happier because it sort of drains off all the stress hormones. - Dr. Laura Markham on helping an older sibling adjust to a new baby

I call that emptying out the top layer of stress in the emotional backpack. Once they don't have that layer of stress, they're less stressed. They're less tightly wound. They're more relaxed, more cooperative, more emotionally generous toward the new baby, right?

Another thing that really helps the older child is routines. I think we're on number four here. Kids need to know what to expect. It makes them feel more secure. So that's important.

And you know, yes, you have a new baby and sometimes babies don't yet have word from you. They haven't really gotten it through there in into their mind that "Oh, there's a routine here," but your older child does need a routine.

So they need to have you, as much as possible, protect their routine. So, It again keeps their stress level down.

Then, the final thing I talked about empathy allowing all emotions. I would take it a step further to welcoming all emotions, and that includes the negative ones.

If your child needs to cry, welcome those tears. - Dr. Laura Markham on helping an older sibling adjust to a new baby

That's what happens when we grieve, is we need to cry. Often, it will start off his anger. So don't get hooked on the anger.

"I hate you. I want a new mommy." Just take that deep breath. Remind yourself, "They're having a hard time." They're telling you in the best way they can that they're stressed.

Say, "Oh, you're having such a hard time. You want me to see how hard it is and how mad you are at me? I'm right here. You can tell me."

And as you make it safe by accepting the feelings, the anger, which is just a defense against those more vulnerable feelings of grief underneath, or fear that you love the new baby more, those feelings start to come. The anger is no longer necessary once they allow those feelings to come to the surface.

 So, letting your child cry, being there for them, you will find that afterwards some people tell me it's like he's a different kid, you know, he's he's back to his old happy self because he was able to move through that backlog of stressful emotions.

Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting:

Absolutely, and you touched on so many important points there. Some that I really appreciate are that you talked about the grief and anger and all the feelings that need to come out.

Most little kids, of course, don't have the executive functioning skills to put those feelings into words. So it doesn't matter how many times an adult says, "Use your words." What they're doing is using their bodies to get those big feelings out.

Behaviors, in these cases, will oftentimes take the place of the words that they don't have in the moment -- to express whatever it is they're doing to process the existence of this new baby. 

I love how your approach is empathy based. It's allowing the feelings to process fully through completion. Not just putting a Band-Aid on a feeling and saying, "You know, you seem really angry. Let's go play with the truck."

You're really addressing the feelings. You're naming the feelings. You're giving your older child some of the emotional tools they need to create some really positive brain circuitry: naming feelings, healthy emotional management, emotional regulation, all these things that we read separate articles about, you're living in action as you interact with your child and the new baby. - Sarah R. Moore

Really helpful.

Dr. Laura Markham on building the relationship between the older sibling and new baby: 

And you know, you can even use books. You mentioned books before. You can make a book before the baby's born about what it's going to be like. But you can also make a book after if the child is having a hard time with the baby.

You know, "Brothers are forever. Sometimes, Mika was angry at his little brother. Sometimes he wished that he could have his trucks all to himself and didn't have to share them..."

And this would be obviously when the baby's a little older. We're moving into the future.

After a year or something, two years even, and the older child is having such a hard time -- continuing to have a hard time with [the baby]. If you make a book like that, that explains it to them and gives them a happy ending -- that even though sometimes they had a hard time, they they always had fun together. They loved each other and had fun together.

And you know, you make sure you show the child being able to go to the parent and say, "I'm having a hard time," and the parents help, so you can give the child a positive view of what's happening, with a happy ending.

You were talking about giving them skills to process their emotions -- absolutely. But it also helps to give them a belief system or framework about it -- because the belief system determines the thoughts we have.

If the belief system is, "My life got ruined by this interloper," that's not going to give them the thoughts that we want them to have. If the belief system is "Yeah, sometimes we can have differences with the people we love.

As my son said when he was little, he was playing with his trains. He had one of them cut the other one off at the pass and the other, than the one that was cut off, said, "I am mad at you."

He was like, "Gordon, I am so mad at you." And the other one said, "That's okay, Thomas, you can be mad at someone and still love them."

Clearly he had heard that somewhere, you know? And so his framework was, this is part of relationships. You can express it and work it through.

Sarah of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting

I love that. And I think I need a set of trains to keep in my pocket, just so that when I have those moments, I can remember to have those discussions. [laughter]

*

Stay tuned for the next section of the interview, where Dr. Laura Markham talks about nurturing the sibling bond as the siblings get older.

Watch Full Interview Here

In the meantime, make sure to check out our short but information-packed parenting courses. and sign up for Dr. Laura's peaceful parenting course while registration remains open


Dr. Laura Markham is the founder of AhaParenting.com and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy KidsPeaceful Parent, Happy Siblings and her latest book, the Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids Workbook.

Let's be friends

Copyright © 2024 | All Rights Reserved
cross