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It sometimes feels like the world is crumbling around us, and it's worrisome, at the very least. As it is, even the stress inside our very own homes might be more than we feel like we can handle. Something needs to change. What can just one parent do, though?

A lot. With the right support through parent coaching, just one parent--YOU--can be like a pebble dropped into the ocean from high above. You may not feel like you're doing much, but that small ripple of change influences everything around it.

Likewise, when you make small changes within your own family, those changes can grow into a small wave of healing, then into a bigger one--and eventually, we start to erode the old shores--the patterns and stories we've been carrying--that are no longer serving us.

We can replace those patterns with something much healthier, much stronger, and much longer lasting...the power of healing our families.

As it's been said, when you heal yourself, you heal your children's children.

You can read more about the program below, or you can apply right now for parent coaching by clicking this link

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Parent coaching can help us create a better, safer, healthier world for our children, starting within our very own home. It gives us the tools and resources we need to thrive within our family unit.

It can bring our families more peace, joy, and connection. Whether we intend to or not, these gifts ripple throughout our communities and to all the lives we touch.

Parent coaching is here to empower you and your family, providing the support and strategies you need to overcome obstacles. It can help you flourish together.

Announcing a new parent coaching partnership

Sarah R. Moore of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting and the American Society for the Positive Care of Children (American SPCC) are launching incredible new parent coaching services, called the Peaceful Discipline parent coaching program. They'll give you practical strategies to help you move from being "stuck" in challenging behaviors to a much healthier place in your communication patterns with your family.

Aside from addressing challenging situations, these parent coaching sessions can also help already-close relationships get that much closer, if you simply want to hone your skills further.

What makes this parent coaching program unique?

Many aspects of this parent coaching program are truly world-class and offer benefits that no other group coaching plan that we know of can offer.

Examples:

Specifically, our goal is to help you feel more peace, joy, and connection with your children as you progress through our parent coaching program--and for many years thereafter. Here's how:

Unlike many other programs, this parent coaching program will support parents in these ways:

  1. Peace

    Parent coaching can help a parent or caregiver not only grow their skillset, but also increase their confidence. When you feel more empowered and more confident, you spend less time second guessing your parenting decisions for your kids -- and less time feeling the need to justify your parenting to others. You'll have the education to bring you more peace in your daily life. Moreover, when you feel more peaceful on the inside, you have more peace to share with those around you.

  2. Joy

    As a society, we're facing an incredible mental health crisis. Being intentional about creating more joy in your family is a powerful elixir to combat the challenges we face on a daily basis. You'll come away with some specific tools you can use regularly to feel less stress, and more joy, in your heart.

  3. Connection

    Rather than a chronic feeling of disconnection with your family, you're likely to "see" each other in a whole new way after this parent coaching program. You'll have the skills you need to feel like a more cohesive family unit.

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How does the Peaceful Discipline parent coaching program work?

For 12 weeks, you'll meet in an online group setting once per week in a live Zoom class with your trainer. You'll be assigned 1-2 hours of homework to complete outside of class so that you're prepared for the following week's meeting. Rather than "homework," however, we prefer to call it "growth work." You don't turn it in for a letter grade (it's not like school). The work is for your benefit to help enhance your parenting techniques and increase your confidence as a parent or caregiver.

If you don't finish your growth work prior to the class, please come anyway. You're always welcome just as you are.

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What's the syllabus?

For each of the 12 weeks we meet, we will have at least one expert guest speaker via prerecorded video on the topic that we're covering, all within the framework of respectful, connection-based conscious parenting. You do not need to watch all these videos. Specific instructions will be given before each class. Typically, you'll have one assigned video and/or one optional video to watch, along with the other growth work. Here are some of the experts from whom you might hear on each topic (subject to change).

  1. Week 1: Welcome & intros, knowing our “stories,” reparenting ourselves, and becoming the parent we WANT to be.

    Expert videos:

    Jessica Joelle Alexander, co-author of "The Danish Way of Parenting" on the basics of respectful parenting; Dr. Sarah Bren on the importance of "good enough" parenting"; Donna Tetrault, author of "The CASTLE Method" on raising emotionally healthy families; Dr. Lynyetta Willis on family of origin; Shelly Robinson, founder of Raising Yourself on re-parenting ourselves; Dr. Robyn Koslowitz on parenting after trauma

  2. Week 2: What's developmentally normal? Supporting wherever your child "should" be.

    Expert videos: Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, co-author of "The Whole-Brain Child," "The Bottom Line for Baby," and other books -- on making evidence-based choices for your baby; Dr. Laura Markham, author of "Peaceful Parent, Happy Child" and "Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings" -- on navigating sibling relationships across different life stages; Debbie Reber, author of "Differently Wired" on neurodiversity; Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart on highly sensitive children; Phyllis Fagell, author of "Middle School Matters" and "Middle School Superpowers" -- on the middle school years; Luis Fernando Llosa, co-author of "Emotionally Resilient Tweens and Teens" -- on supporting these young adults; Julie Lythcott-Haims, author of "Your Turn: How to Be an Adult" and other books -- on preparing our children to launch

  3. Week 3: Understanding your nervous system, your reactions, and your triggers – setting your brain & body up to help you.

    Expert videos: Dr. Stephen Porges, author of "The Polyvagal Theory"; Dr. Mona Delahooke, author of "Beyond Behaviors" and "Brain-Body Parenting"; Maggie Viers, founder of The Empowered Family

  4. Week 4: Yelling less, connecting more: releasing healthy anger without shame -- and supporting your children in their anger, too.

    Expert videos: Dr. Ross Greene, author of "The Explosive Child"; Robyn Gobbel, author of "Raising Kids with Big Baffling Behaviors"

  5. Week 5: Unpacking boundaries, punishment and “consequences” – what the research says about effective discipline.

    Expert videos: Katherine Reynolds-Lewis, author of "The Good News about Bad Behavior"; Iris Chen, author of "Untigering"; DJ Johnson, motivational speaker; Mr. Chazz

  6. Week 6: It’s never too late to heal (or too early).

    Expert videos: Dr. Daniel J. Siegel, co-author of "The Whole-Brain Child," "Parenting from the Inside Out," and many other books; Eli Harwood, author of "Securely Attached" and founder of Attachment Nerd; Bethany Saltman, author of "The Strange Situation"

  7. Week 7: Understanding what actually drives children’s independence and skill-building.

    Expert video: Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, author of "Parenting Right from the Start" and "Discipline without Damage"

  8. Week 8: Raising resilient children: emotion coaching, big feelings, and personal growth.

    Expert videos: Dr. Michele Borba, author of "Thrivers" and many other books; Dr. Anne Lane, author of "Nurture Your Child's Emotional Intelligence"; Dr. Robert Brooks and Dr. Samuel Goldstein, authors of "Tenacity in Children: Nurturing the Seven Instincts for Lifetime Success"; Dr. Bill Stixrud and Ned Johnson, co-authors of "The Self-Driven Child" and "What Do You Say?: How to Talk with Kids to Build Motivation, Stress Tolerance, and a Happy Home"

  9. Week 9: The importance of showing up for yourself: how to feel heard, validated, and supported in your parenting.

    Expert video: Caroline Welch of the Mindsight Institute and author of "The Gift of Presence"

  10. Week 10: Using improv, play, and stories as teaching tools.

    Expert videos: Dr. Larry Cohen, author of "Playful Parenting"; Vivek Patel of Meaningful Ideas; Andrew Newman of Conscious Stories

  11. Week 11: The importance of simplifying childhood.

    Expert videos: Kim John Payne, author of "Simplicity Parenting" and other books; Dr. Meghan Owenz, author of "Spoiled Right: Delaying Screens and Giving Children What They Really Need"

  12. Week 12: Evidence-based physical and mental health strategies.

    Expert videos: Dr. Elisa Song, founder of Healthy Kids Happy Kids; Dr. Nicole Beurkens, author of "Life Will Get Better"; Jennifer Anderson, founder of Kids Eat in Color; Tessa Stuckey, LPC, author of "For the Sake of Our Youth"; Janine Halloran, founder of Coping Skills for Kids; Jess Lahey, author of "The Addiction Inoculation" and "The Gift of Failure"; Konika Ray Wong, founder of Girl Power Science; Seth Perler, executive functioning specialist; Dr. Rocio Zunini, neuroscientist & infant sleep expert

  13. Bonus week (optional): Support for educators.

    Expert videos: Dr. Jamie Chaves & Dr. Ashley Taylor, authors of "The Why Behind Classroom Behaviors"; Annie Murphy Paul, author of "The Extended Mind"; Dr. Peter Gray

Is this parent coaching accredited and evidence-based?

Yes. The American SPCC has accredited Sarah's program so you can be sure everything you learn is evidence-based, effective, and applicable to a wide range of parenting and education scenarios.

Why the American SPCC and Sarah R. Moore have chosen to partner together

Both the American SPCC and Sarah R. Moore are committed to making the world a safer and more loving place for children. We are committed to changing the world for the better, starting with the way children experience safety and well-being at home--with the understanding that they'll "pay forward" to the world what they've experienced firsthand.

About your trainer

Sarah R. Moore is the author of Peaceful Discipline: Story Teaching, Brain Science & Better Behavior and founder of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting. As a certified Master Trainer in conscious parenting and Board Member for the American Society for the Positive Care of Children (American SPCC), she’s also a public speaker, armchair neuroscientist, and most importantly, a Mama.

Her work has been featured on NBC, CBS, and SiriusXM. She's also been featured in countless podcasts, parenting summits, and in print publications (HuffPost, The Natural Parent Magazine, Green Child Magazine, Yahoo!, Motherly, Scary Mommy, and many others).

With training in child development, trauma recovery, interpersonal neurobiology, improv comedy and play, her work supports parents and caregivers around the globe. Follow her on InstagramFacebookYouTubeTikTokPinterest & Threads.

Sarah R. Moore
Sarah R. Moore, certified Master Trainer of conscious parenting

Sarah has trained hundreds of people in parent coaching, including:

And many others--from novices to experts in the field of child development.

About the American SPCC

The American SPCC's vision statement summarizes their work well: "American SPCC is dedicated to being part of the solution by offering life-changing education and support to caregivers. When caregivers are empowered with the knowledge that even small actions can have significant impacts on a child’s development, we can ultimately break the cycle of trauma before it’s passed down.

We also know the struggles of parenthood look different for every family. That’s why we offer support by meeting caregivers where they are at, without judgment or expectations. We recognize parenthood is difficult, especially when combined with hardships related to relationships, employment, mental health, physical health and more."

What Sarah's former students are saying

"I had the privilege of being coached by Sarah, and I cannot express how much my personal and professional life was impacted by her wisdom, guidance, and expert coaching. Her compassionate and empowering coaching techniques allowed me to tap into my own inherent wisdom, helping me to feel safe, supported, and seen. Not only did I walk away from my coaching engagement with Sarah with practical parenting strategies and tools to use in my daily life, but I also concluded my experience with so much more self-compassion, something Sarah helps all parents cultivate. Sarah is truly a master at what she does and I absolutely recommend working with her if you're looking for support, guidance, and encouragement on your conscious parenting journey." - Shelly Robinson, founder of Raising Yourself

"I've known Sarah for a few years now. I've had the good fortune of being coached by her and I can tell you that yes her wisdom and knowledge on the subject matter is phenomenal. You can see her passion and witness her expertise. At the same time there is something very comforting about her presence, the way she holds space for you without any judgment and with so much compassion and solidarity. She has a way to put you at instant ease with her so much warmth that you can feel it radiate even though you aren't in the same room as her ( not the same hemisphere in my case ! ) Her kind guidance has made such a huge impact on our family and I'm so grateful for the wonderful human that you are." - Dilshad, founder of The Gentle Mamma

"Sarah is truly a gift! I had the joy of taking one of her classes and I looked forward to her presence every week. As a coach and educator she is the embodiment of kindness, empathy, knowledge, and support. I feel very lucky to have learned from Sarah and I have all the confidence that her new program will be as remarkable as all the work she’s put forth leading up to this exciting new project. Thank you for all I’ve learned and continue to learn from you, Sarah." -Haley Turner, Sweet Home Parenting

"Working with Sarah is the best investment I’ve ever made for me, for my family, and for my approach to life. Her kindness and authenticity will change your life for the better, too." - Katherine Tasheff

"Working with Sarah R. Moore has been transformative for me as a parent coach. Her unparalleled expertise and coaching skills have not only deepened my understanding of effective coaching strategies but have also empowered me to create meaningful and lasting change in the lives of the families I work with. I am grateful for her guidance and support as it has helped me empower parents with confidence." - Candice Cochrane, Parents of Presence

"I am incredibly grateful for Sarah’s guidance as a parent coach. Her unwavering empathy and compassion created a safe space where I’ve learned to navigate the complexities of motherhood. Sarah’s insights have not only transformed my approach to parenting but have also positively impacted countless others like me. Her commitment to fostering conscious parenting is truly inspiring." - Jaymie of MyMumDiaries

"I had the pleasure of working with Sarah as my coach and trainer. Never having met her, I immediately felt her warmth and caring nature even over the computer screen. She made me feel safe, heard and seen. I was able to open up to Sarah about things that were very uncomfortable, and she always held such a supportive space for me to express my feelings. Sarah guided me and gave me the confidence to use my voice in not only my personal life, but my professional life as well. I am forever grateful to have Sarah in my life." - Katie Mae Ramirez Parent Coaching

"Sarah Moore is an answer to a desperate prayer. My wife and I were incredibly frustrated with how our life as parents was going, especially with our youngest son. Neither spanking nor timeouts worked, and  we were left wondering if there was some better way to parent. After some time, I made the decision to go through training to become a peaceful parenting coach. Sarah was my trainer in the program. Week by week, I found myself growing in my ability to calm myself down and to be predictably calm for my sons. Sarah’s genuine care for our cohort members, her skill and insight, and her relational warmth made it possible for me to transform as a parent AND to develop my own parent coaching practice. Sarah’s book as well as her social media posts keep the parenting inspiration and motivation going. I am a huge fan and cheerleader of and a friend to Sarah R. Moore! Thank you so much for your work! - Brandon Miller, Confluence Parenting

"Sarah has left a lasting and wonderful impression on me both in my parenting and my coaching. She is kind, empathetic and extremely knowledgable, and knows exactly how to explain something to make it fully relatable. It was such a pleasure to be trained by her and I hope our paths cross many more times!" - Sarah D.

What does this parent coaching program cost?

Although valued at more than $8000, the one-time introductory rate for group parent coaching is $1200 USD, payable in full before your first session begins.

Many parenting summits are several hundred dollars, without any personalized support. Many professional coaches and therapists charge upwards of several hundred dollars per hour.

If you take this $1200 and divide it among 12 weeks of live group coaching, and the expert interviews to which you'll have full access, and the priceless and positive changes you're likely to see in your family, this may be the best investment you'll ever make--especially at this introductory rate.

parent coaching applicationHow do I sign up?

Before you officially enroll, we will ask you to fill out an application to make sure it's a good fit for you as well as for us. We want to make sure you're clear that parent coaching doesn't just "fix your kids' behavior." In fact, it's often the caregiver who needs the right tools to meet the child wherever they are developmentally. The services we offer are parent-centric, to help you develop the skills you need to be peaceful, patient, and present with the children in your life.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is parent coaching?

Parent coaching services are designed to help families navigate the complexities of raising children in today’s world. Partnering with a parent coach provides access to abundant knowledge and resources tailored to unique parenting challenges. Parent coaching is centered around building stronger relationships within the family and nurturing positive behaviors in children.

With the help of a dedicated parent coaching session, you’ll learn new skills and strategies to become a better parent, empowering you to teach your children more effectively. Recognizing each family’s uniqueness, with its own strengths and challenges, is a fundamental aspect of parent coaching. Parent coaching, with its focus on the present moment and a collaborative approach, enables parents to acquire the skills necessary to handle their child’s behavior, and uncover the root causes of their own behavior, as well.

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What parent coaching isn't

Parent coaching services aren't therapy. Also, they aren't designed to support underlying mental health issues. Although certainly not all parents do this, many choose to couple therapy with the skills and techniques they're learning in our course.

Will my child's behavioral challenges improve?

Although we can't speak to or guarantee individual outcomes, we do know from our experience that in many cases, once children feel their caregivers' emotional attunement and skillset increasing, better behavior is often a natural byproduct of that. Many parenting challenges often melt away.

Also keep in mind that we use a parent-centric approach to parent coaching, so rather than a focus on behaviorism (only changing our kids' behavior), we focus on ourselves--the adults--with a whole family perspective. We know that the only behavior we can control is our own, so we empower you to optimize your own ability to be a good parent that's responsive, compassionate, and who has developmentally appropriate expectations of your child.

Parent coaching extends beyond addressing challenging child behavior; it also involves fostering positive ones. Through parent coaching sessions, parents learn evidence-based strategies and practical tools to encourage positive behaviors in their children.

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Will I be certified to coach other parents after completing this program?

Although this program will certainly empower you to help others and touch lives in ways you may have never dreamed possible, this program is for your own personal growth, not to pass along coaching services to others. If you're looking for more, please discuss that directly with your trainer.

Are you trauma informed?

As parent coaches, we are trauma aware and work to take a sensitive approach to whatever our clients have experienced. Although we are not a trauma recovery program, several of our experts address these topics we cover from a trauma informed perspective.

How can we build stronger relationships?

At the core of parent coaching is the goal of fostering healthy, secure, and nurturing parent-child relationships. Building these connections requires effective communication and teaching children essential life skills. By learning active listening, understanding what boundaries really mean, and prioritizing connection over blind compliance, parents can create an environment where children feel heard and supported. As a result, children can develop a sense of trust and ultimately, a foundation for emotional well-being.

Parent coaching also recognizes the unique role that biological, adoptive, foster parent, and kinship parents play in reversing the harm inflicted on children who have endured abuse, neglect, or abandonment. By employing adaptive communication techniques, parent coaching can help parents navigate these sensitive issues and foster healing within the family.

How Parent Coaching Can Support Different Family Needs

Parent coaching is adaptable, supporting a broad range of family needs. Single parents can benefit from the personalized guidance and resources provided through parent coaching, helping them navigate the unique challenges of raising a child on their own. Parenting coaches also offer valuable support to blended families, providing strategies and tips to foster a loving and harmonious environment, promoting effective communication and conflict resolution.

Families with special needs children, including autism spectrum disorder, can find invaluable support and guidance through parent coaching, as it equips parents with effective parenting skills, improves communication and advocacy, and encourages self-care and well-being. Furthermore, parent coaching can support families facing a wide variety of challenges, providing tools and strategies to address these issues and foster a nurturing, supportive environment for all family members.

 

I was well into adulthood and fairly new to parenting when I realized how complicated my family of origin was. Growing up, I knew that my formative years didn't comprise what many would call a picture-perfect "healthy family environment"--after all, my father lived clear across the country and was struggling on many levels, and my mother, while doing her best for me, was still unpacking her own challenges.

I didn't know about ACE scores or trauma back then, but as early as age six, when my mother told me she and my father were getting divorced, my gut reaction was, "Oh, thank goodness. Life will feel more peaceful now."

I'm told this isn't a typical reaction from a six-year-old child. I didn't get the memo that I was supposed to mourn this announcement.

Although my parents had worked to avoid divorce by going to family therapy and whatnot, there are certain dynamics that are so fraught with negative patterns and chronic poor choices that recovery simply isn't possible. Already at six, I understood the gist of this.

A healthy family environment must feel emotionally safe.

As I grew older, I joked, albeit secretly hoping it was true, that I'd have no trouble in my future romantic relationships or parenting because I'd had such good models of what not to do.

I was wrong, of course.

My family of origin issues did not prepare me for a peaceful family life of my own, much less any understanding of what a healthy family environment should resemble. My emotional health suffered for a good long while, while I stumbled around wondering why I kept getting relationships so wrong.

To be fair, my family of origin wasn't entirely to blame. My biological parents have both given me loving support in various ways throughout my life, so it's never been a "black and white" situation.

One change I finally made to break that pattern--the one some call "cycle breaking"--was consciously exploring the negative aspects of my parents' relationship and how they parented me--and learning how to do things differently.

I learned that conscious parenting matters. A lot.

The most important shift was in my parenting.

I wouldn't settle anymore for repeating what was familiar. Instead, I took the driver's seat of my own mental health--and knew I wanted better for my daughter's childhood, too.

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Although my biological family of origin would lay the groundwork for how I'd handle some things (epigenetics and intergenerational trauma are real), their history didn't need to become my destiny.

I also know I'm not alone in having a tricky family of origin.

How to heal family of origin issues

Tackling family of origin issues doesn't happen overnight. There's no "quick fix" for the family dynamics and belief systems we carry forward into our relationships before we even realize we're doing it.

We have to work hard to disrupt family patterns that aren't serving us anymore. We can't do this work alone.

Here are three approaches that can prove immensely helpful in recovering from a suboptimal family or origin and bring you back to a place of greater mental health--and a closer, more emotionally healthy family.

1. Find good therapy

Talk therapy, along with a combination of non-traditional therapy options, can be helpful to treat body, mind, and spirit. Talk therapy, specifically, is found to be helpful in three out of four people, or 75% of people who seek to improve their relationships this way (source).

If we want to heal, we have to intentionally address the messiness we brought into parenting, whether or not we realized we were bringing it.

We need to form a coherent narrative about our childhood, and see how the beliefs we learned growing up are still serving our self-esteem and feelings of "wholeness" in adulthood.As for non-traditional therapy to help family of origin relationships or personal healing, there are many possible helpful modalities, including EMDR, somatic therapy, and others.

"...EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a psychotherapy that enables people to heal from the symptoms and emotional distress that are the result of disturbing life experiences.  Repeated studies show that by using EMDR therapy people can experience the benefits of psychotherapy that once took years to make a difference. It is widely assumed that severe emotional pain requires a long time to heal.  EMDR therapy shows that the mind can in fact heal from psychological trauma much as the body recovers from physical trauma..." (source)

Somatic approaches also help address mental health concerns from the inside out (source).

Additionally, one of the most important things you can do is reparent yourself. When you do this alongside the work you seek with a therapist, you may discover a real sense of inner safety, perhaps for the very first time in your life.

2. Set healthy boundaries with your family of origin

Whether a person's biological family or adoptive family of origin is at the root of our childhood struggles, we must create and maintain healthy boundaries with them.

They don't get to tell us how to parent our children. Perhaps of even greater importance, we don't need to let the voices they "planted" in our heads during our own childhood tell us how to parent our children. When we hear those voices, we get to push back on them.

Our boundaries may or may not match whatever boundaries our siblings have with our mother and father; they have their own relationships with them. It's their life. We must realize that for our own mental health, we can't concern ourselves with what others feel is "appropriate" for us or for our children--this is our life and this is our very own parenting journey.

If we weren't raised with peaceful discipline, we get to give that gift to our children. When we do this, they won't have to heal from their childhood like we did.

We also get to rewrite our story about our own childhood. We can develop whatever boundaries we need to manage conflict and find emotional safety for ourselves and for our children.

We need to examine which childhood wounds need fixing. Once we do that, of course, we want to be careful not to shame our parents, or in most cases, exclusively blame one parent or the other.

A blaming mindset leads us to parent from our own anger and resentment, rather than from a place of peace. That serves neither our relationships with our parents or with our own children. More effective is to find a way to make peace with our past, whatever our narrative about our family of origin may be.

To clarify, this does NOT mean we need to approve of how our parents or extended family of origin treated us. It's a different kind of forgiveness we seek; one that frees our heart from carrying our pain forward.

We can choose to see our feelings about our family of origin as messengers about what we need going forward, rather than what we lost when we look backwards.

Most importantly, if our family of origin choses to perpetuate unhealthy patterns, especially in front of our own children, we can choose to no longer be a party to it.

We want our own children to have a strong sense of what healthy families look like, and realize we are the ones who need to model that, including setting clear boundaries with some of the people we love (or once did).

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3. Study every healthy family you encounter, and find role models--without digging so deep that you overwhelm yourself

Once you begin your healing journey, it can be tempting to dig so deep into your past that you lose sight of your present.

You might embark on an extensive study of family issues; everything from dependence disorders, emotional abuse, trauma recovery--you name it. Maybe it all serves you well. 

Or, maybe you benefit only from one piece of it, and the rest stands to do little more than overwhelm you.

You can't study everything at once, lest you become emotionally and intellectually flooded.

In bite-sized pieces, though, you can learn what works for people.

Outside an "academic analysis" of your childhood and all the factors that contributed to where you are today, one more straightforward approach is to find role models for healthy relationships outside your family of origin.

Pay attention to communication patterns of people who you know are happily partnered and/or peacefully parenting, creating a home that thrives on mutual respect. People often default to their biological family for who they model, but we can and should look beyond our own family of origin here.

We can absolutely create a "chosen" family, whether we know who that is during our formative years or whether we choose our people in adulthood. All healing counts.

Our family of origin may not like it when we do this work

Family members may directly or indirectly oppose our work to change things up; to do things differently than they did. They may view our emotional work as a direct hit to their self-esteem. They may take it personally, because let's face it, it is personal.

And yet, if we're going to provide children with a roadmap of how to do life, we need to press forward without worrying about whether our family of origin "approves" of our need to heal. We're not just healing our own relationships; we're proactively healing those that our children will have someday.

Our children will be prone to fewer mental health issues if they grow up modeling healthy families in their romantic relationships, friendships, and in their own parenting someday.

It doesn't matter whether your family members are on board, or whether they believe you "need" any help. You know what feels right and what seems to be moving the needle in the right direction, so it's exclusively your choice to pursue healing without doubt or fear of judgment.

If it's healing and important to you, doing your family of origin work can be non-negotiable, regardless of what your parents, siblings, or anyone else says about it.

We get to redefine what it means to heal

Perhaps the most important part of healing family of origin issues is redefining what it means to heal. It's tempting to hold a sort of black and white view of the family unit: beliefs that a family is either "healthy" or "broken."

The truth is, we're all somewhere in-between. Every step we take towards having an emotionally safe family of our own is a true and worthy accomplishment.

Will we ever achieve perfection, though? Will we find that perfect fit of a puzzle-piece scenario where the entire family relationship just works as intended, every moment of every day?

I doubt it. And I'm an optimist.

I believe that healthy families are, perhaps surprisingly to my younger self, still messy sometimes. 

Emotional well-being shows up somewhere on a spectrum, rather than being an absolute. Family of origin issues still come up, because we have that history. Our trauma and core beliefs don't just disappear into thin air when we decide to heal. It's an evolution that takes time and effort.

The big shift for healthy families, however, is when our family of origin issues don't determine the outcome of every struggle. We get to choose a new path forward. A healthier one.

We've grown wise enough to view our history as a single piece of that puzzle, but we now have more tools at our disposal. More information. We learn more ways to show up for ourselves and one another. We learn strategies that enhance our relationships rather than harm them.

Healthy families develop ways to be present for each other through the gift of emotional safety. Difficulties no longer set us back; instead, whether in marriage or friendships or raising children, we deeply believe that healing is always possible.

Because it is. 

My six-year-old self didn't know how things would turn out, but she was right about one thing: life feels more peaceful now.

How would you feel if I told you pushing boundaries is developmentally normal for children, and in fact, it's healthy?

I imagine you'd have mixed feelings. That makes sense.

On one hand, we want our kids to develop healthy boundaries of their own, and we're their safe place to practice. On the other hand, we need to have limits sometimes, and having a child push against them can be frustrating.

Here are three ways to make peace with a child who seems to thrive on pushing boundaries.

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  1. Examine your own boundaries

Reality is that as parents, we're role models. Additionally, many of us were raised with an unhealthy view of what boundaries should look like.

Boundaries if we had authoritarian parents

If we grew up with parents who we "had to obey or else," we may have learned one of two things:

  1. Reframe how healthy a child pushing boundaries really is

    When a child decides to push boundaries, it's part of their education for life.

    If our hope is to increase self-sufficiency and emotional maturity--and limit risk--we have to let our children practice setting their own boundaries with us.

    It would be downright risky to raise a child who only knows how to say "yes" no matter what's asked of them.
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  1. Try a more lighthearted approach

Young child

Let's say your child is refusing to go brush their teeth. That's hard, especially since we know what happens when we ignore dental hygiene. Rather than yelling and making them afraid of the whole process (emotional discomfort will not make them more likely to do it), try one of these approaches:

Important note: use play only when the child is emotionally regulated, and never in a patronizing way.

Older child

For an older child, we can still have a lighthearted approach. We can brainstorm strategies together that feel mutually peaceful.

As an example, let's say your child is pushing boundaries related to technology. You've told them to turn off all forms of technology at 8 p.m., but you hear notifications coming from their bedroom at 10.

Rather than simply taking the device out of their sleeping environment, you talk to them and ask how they suggest they manage their time. You listen and see if you can come up with a win-win.

Change happens when kids (and all people) feel emotionally safe and supported, not when they're forced to achieve others' goals without question.

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Bottom line when our kids push a limit

When children push limits, our job is to understand why they're pushing the limit and work to understand them rather than control them. When we make room for them to grow and learn--and learn that it's safe for them to do so--they grow into adults who can adapt, negotiate, and have healthier relationships with others.

Parent goals: "Have a perfect relationship where everyone feels emotionally connected all the time. Life is always one beautiful, smooth path forward. Rainbows and unicorns abound."

Parent goals like that are effective exactly zero percent of the time. They're completely unrealistic. However, we often create all sorts of goals that--honestly--aren't all that different.

Some parent goals sound like, "Self care! Sounds great. I'll do it!"

Or perhaps, "I will stop yelling."

While these are certainly valid big picture parenting goals, I have news for you: they don't work. At least not when we leave them like this.

Why these goals fail--and what to do instead

These parenting goals, and others like them, often fail for the following three reasons:

If we want to raise kids with whom we can have a secure, joyful, and lifelong connection, we must be intentional about it--and our goals need to reflect the life we aim to create.

 

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How to create parenting goals that enhance our relationship for life

When we create solid parenting goals and follow through, we can get--and stay--closer to our children. It's a lifelong investment. Here's the secret: the goals need to be heart-centered, while still connecting to the rational part of the brain.

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Let's go through the antidotes to each of the three problems above:

Our goals are often too vague.

Antidote

Get very specific.

Tell your brain the details of what changes, specifically, you want to make. The more detailed the changes are, the more achievable they'll be. Describe what we want to change and exactly what that will look like for us.

What actions will we take, specifically, to achieve our parenting goals? This makes it easier for our brain to process, and therefore, easier to implement.

Using the examples above, although self-care and a positive parenting style are absolutely critical skills for healthy relationships with our children, they're entirely too vague. The human brain wants the details of exactly what to do, along with when and how.

Further, the brain can't learn in negatives.

In a simplified example, if I say, "Don't use the red pen," that's all well and good, but I need to tell my brain what to do, instead. "Use the blue pen instead of the red one" is actionable. My brain knows just what I need.

The red pen example is the equivalent of "I will stop yelling." Well, okay, great -- but how? What's the alternative, and how do I get to the point of consistently doing the alternative? What does that look like?

Further, while "self-care" sounds like a good thing (and it is, if we know what we want to achieve by it), it's entirely too nebulous for the brain to grasp. I might be aware that my own needs matter and that I need some way of honoring them in my daily life, but how?

As I wrote in the self-care section of Peaceful Discipline, "I’ve never spontaneously ended up in a bubble bath and wondered how I got there."

Our brains need specific roadmaps

We can read all the books in the world about how to handle difficult situations, how to create long-term parenting goals, and how to create a happier family, but if the brain lacks the specific map it needs, those ideas will be right up there with rainbows and unicorns.

I'll share examples of effective parent goals below.

First, though, issue number two.

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We often choose our goals without input from our children.

Antidote

Co-create parenting goals with our kids.

Even from a very early age, we can talk to our children about the kind of relationship we both crave. The best relationship-focused goals aren't made outside the relationship; they're co-created.

Many parents assume their child just wants to "be happy." While that's likely a good guess, even young children have different love languages.

Some will feel loved when you're baking treats and spending time together; other kids will want the parent to have story time, snuggles, and words of affirmation with them every day. Still other kids will feel loved when their natural environment is full of fun physicality and roughhousing.

Not all kids feel loved in the same ways. Likewise, the parent also has different preferences for how love expressed. Do you feel more loved when your child is snuggling with you, or would you rather be playing together? Do you need to be told you're doing a good job at parenting?

There's no "wrong" answer. It's important to acknowledge that we all have different needs.

Knowing this, if we practice inviting our children to join us in goal setting, we end up with more connected families. Everyone feels more "seen" when their opinions have been asked and honored.

This goes beyond the activities our kids enjoy doing, of course. We can also co-create our family values together. Kids want input into the emotional tone of the home, too. Where and how do we want to be spending our time together?

Someday, when our kids look back at childhood, what kind of lives do they want to remember? Let's be proactive about creating that with them.

Now, the third problem and its antidote.

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We forget our "why."

Antidote

Choose parenting goals not just from the mind, but also from the heart.

Beyond the decision-making process (which is highly intellectual), we need to create an emotional anchor to keep us motivated. What do we want our relationship to feel like?

It's one thing to read a book or take a course to enhance our parenting skills, but if we've lost sight of our emotional motivation for change, we'll fall short.

If we want to succeed in the long run, we need to check in with how we're feeling--and how we want to feel.

Our litmus test to see how we're doing over time--for both our kids and ourselves--is to see if our lives feel right. We tend to know in our gut when something's missing, but our gut also tells us when we're content.

What skills do we need to feel downright joyful about our parenting, if that's the feeling we're seeking? As parents, what are we actively learning and pursuing to nurture the life we want?

Do we feel that we're parenting in a way where our children will run to us, rather than from us, when they encounter a problem? Is seeing each other the highlight of our day? Are we modeling emotional maturity and seeing our children learn what we're demonstrating? When teaching kids, we must model the healthy habits they'll need to get along with others.

Do both parent and child go to bed at night feeling that the other is a source of emotional safety and peace (although it's certainly not our child's "job" to be those things for us)?

If it feels right, and we're intentional about creating parent goals that support these things, then we're right on track.

The best parenting goals are timeless

Whether we have young kids or older children, it really doesn't matter: mutual respect is what we're going for.

How do we create mutual respect? We begin by teaching younger kids that they are worthy of respect from the very beginning.

As adults, we have a learning opportunity to release whatever old and unhelpful narratives we've been holding about children. We start anew and join the many other adults who've set parent goals with the hope of creating a better world for future generations.

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Celebrate what's working

This is a commonly overlooked step that helps us be better parents. When a parent takes time to celebrate our wins, it gives positive reinforcement to our brain. That helps strengthen the new neural connections we've made, telling our brains, "This feels good -- let's do more of this."

At the subconscious level, when we celebrate, we're telling our brain to repeat whatever worked. When it works again, that further strengthens our neural connections.

It becomes a virtuous cycle. This is how healthy parenting habits (and all good habits) are made. It helps them "stick."

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How do we celebrate?

Cake! Always cake.

But seriously, celebrating a parenting win can be as simple as acknowledging that we did what we set out to do. Pause and give yourself a pat on the back. Words of affirmation really do work. It may seem silly, but what we focus on, grows.

If we want to deepen that focus, we can talk to a friend or a family member (or even our kids) and tell them that we accomplished a goal.

With our kids, it might sound like this: "I want you to know I'm committed to being a more peaceful parent. I had an idea that I'd pause and do some deep breathing instead of yelling when I felt tempted to yell, and I noticed that it worked. We had a really nice morning! That felt good."

With adults, we must caution ourselves not to turn the celebration back into a venting session. For example, "When my kids were upsetting me this morning, I got mad but I didn't yell." The other parent might inquire, "What were your kids doing?" That can turn into a discussion of all the things that went wrong.

What works better with a friend or other parents? It might sound like, "Hey, I had a parenting win this morning and I'd like to celebrate it. Can I tell you what worked and felt so good?" Stating our intention helps keep our objective clear and focused on the positive side of life.

Journaling also helps parents reinforce our parenting goals. When we put them on paper, it's a great way to check in with ourselves and observe how far we've come.

Setting parent goals takes practice

Let's be honest: most of us take parenting day by day. And that's fine! We've got a world of things to do at any given moment, from school activities to cooking to adulting in all the ways.

However, if we're parenting for the long run with the good of the relationship in mind, we have to remember that parenting is like anything else.

If we want to enhance our skills, we need to practice. We have to pause before we respond instead of doing what we've always done, we have to check in with our values and ideals.

We don't ever make it to a long-term goal without learning how to achieve a lot of short-term goals along the way.

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Examples of better parent goals

Here are several parenting goals that are helpful for our brains and make it easier for us to follow consistently.

Examples:

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Parenting goals aren't just for the New Year

Many adults come up with a parenting goal early in the new year, and that can certainly be a nice calendar reminder to make a change. We must remember, however, that the parenting journey is year-round.

It begins the moment we become parents (or sometimes sooner, if we're really proactive and planning ahead of time), and continues as long as we have children.

We can always invest in our mental health, to the extent that better family relationships affect it (and they do--when we feel closer to our kids and they do to us, too, everyone's mental health improves). (source)

There's no wrong time to invest in a healthier parenting style. If you have a young child, they'll benefit from all the rest of the years you have together. If you have older children, kids learn that it's never too late to heal.

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Where to start

How to follow through on your parent goals

Whether you take an online course (many are available here), read a research-backed book, or work with a certified parent coach or therapist, there are many possible "first steps" you can take. If you're unsure where to start, just pick one. Any one. There's no wrong way to increase your knowledge base, and you can always supplement in areas where you'd like more support.

Perhaps, just for today, the best parenting goal is simply to get started with that first step. Imagine the life you want to have with your children, and then get specific about how to achieve it.

When we hear the term "highly sensitive child" (HSC), we may think about an anxious child or an intensely shy child who cries often or is easily overwhelmed. Although sensitive kids may exhibit those traits on occasion, you may be surprised to learn those aren't actually the hallmarks of most highly sensitive kids.

This article will dispel common myths about highly sensitive kids and give parents tools to support their children exactly as they are. I'll share the five important things you need to know later in the article. First, I'll define what sensitive means, and what it doesn't.

To be clear upfront, though, know this: there's nothing "wrong" with high sensitivity. In fact, did you know that sensitive persons may have been instrumental to human survival?

Sensory processing sensitivity [more on this term in a moment] is thought to be one of two strategies that evolved for promoting survival of the species (Aron and Aron 1997; Wolf et al. 2008). By being more responsive to their environments, these more sensitive organisms have an enhanced awareness of opportunities (e.g., food, mates, and alliances) and threats (e.g., predators, loss of status, competitors), and thus may be more ready to respond to emerging situations. (source)

If highly sensitive people are partially to thank for the continuation of human existence, it's time we understand more about them--and help them thrive in today's environment.

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What is high sensitivity?

A highly sensitive person (HSP) or, in the case of children, a highly sensitive child (HSC) is:

"...a term coined by clinical psychologist Elaine Aron. According to Aron’s theory, HSPs are a subset of the population who are high in a personality trait known as sensory-processing sensitivity, or SPS. Those with high levels of SPS display increased emotional sensitivity, stronger reactivity to both external and internal stimuli—pain, hunger, light, and noise—and a complex inner life." (source)

In other words, a highly sensitive child may literally experience the world around them differently than others do. They're often more aware of their environment and all that's surrounding them, from the lights in the room to the smells coming from the kitchen and the noises coming from outside. Sensitive people are often hyper aware of their physical surroundings.

Their emotional world may differ from others', too. A highly sensitive child is a deeply feeling child. Big emotions can be overwhelming for many HSCs. It does not mean they're "moody" or "difficult." In fact, highly sensitive people, including sensitive kids, sometimes feel all their emotions extra intensely, including the emotions most people perceive as pleasant, such as joy and gratitude.

Additionally, their self-awareness and empathy may also be greater than others', so they're often caring friends and are deeply loyal to their family members. Their empathy and loyalty can offer them some distinct advantages in friendships and other close relationships (source).

In short, there's nothing at all "wrong" with a highly sensitive child. In fact, they're invariably an exceptional child with traits that, if we take the time to understand how to support them well, we can frame as superpowers.

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The superpowers of the highly sensitive child

In addition to the empathy and loyalty mentioned above, most HSCs have greater self-awareness than others. They can sense subtle changes in not only their own emotions, but also in those of others. This can be a gift to their families in that they're often highly intuitive and can sense and adapt to the emotional tone of the room. They often come across as "wise beyond their years." This is especially true if they've received consistent emotional support early in life.

With this innate wisdom, they can often be a wonderful support to others. When they care, they care deeply. They may also be mature for their age, having picked up on and learned social cues from adults.

They may be cautious observers, sometimes seeming to hold back from larger groups while they gauge their safety, emotionally and otherwise. They often pay close attention to details, as well as the "big picture" of the world around them.

Are all highly sensitive kids introverts?

Many adults may have the sense that highly sensitive children are "wallflowers" or other less-than-flattering synonyms. However, not every highly sensitive child, or "shy" child, is an introvert (source). Perhaps surprisingly, few adults (parents, teachers, or otherwise) realize that 30% of sensitive children are extroverts. An extroverted child may be very outgoing and seem to thrive in busy environments, and still be highly sensitive.

Let's look at how a highly sensitive child who's an extrovert might perceive a situation. Although they might be outgoing and quick to play a game they don't know how to play in the spirit of making a new friend, let's say the other child laughs at them for not knowing the rules.

Although the child might've displayed extroverted characteristics in engaging boldly with someone new, that same outgoing child may deeply feel the insult. They may feel frustrated or hurt longer than some might expect, because the wound may run deeper than it would for some children. Extroverted children need as much emotional support as the child who seems to withdraw or be more introverted.

Why we shouldn't call highly sensitive kids "shy"

In addition to not every sensitive child being "slow to warm up," some can be hurt by labels. Mislabeling a highly sensitive child as "shy" can damage their self-esteem.

"...Labelling a child 'shy' means you're talking about who they are as a person, not just their behaviour. Children will often take others' observations seriously, especially those of the people they look up to..." (source)

Additionally, shyness is sometimes misconstrued as social anxiety. It's not.

"...Social anxiety disorder...involves the experience of anxiety and self-critical evaluation in social settings response to the fear of evaluation by others of one’s public performance. It has a greater disruptive influence on one’s social behavior than the experience of shyness..." (source)

Shyness isn't "bad," but as western cultures tend to value extroversion more, the label may prove damaging to the child. (source)

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Is having a highly sensitive child medically diagnosable?

Being a highly sensitive person means little more than having certain temperament traits common to sensitive people. It is not a medical diagnosis, although it can be measured medically:

[SPS] is a temperamental or personality trait involving "an increased sensitivity of the central nervous system and a deeper cognitive processing of physical, social and emotional stimuli". The trait is characterized by 'a tendency to 'pause to check' in novel situations, greater sensitivity to subtle stimuli, and the engagement of deeper cognitive processing strategies for employing coping actions, all of which is driven by heightened emotional reactivity, both positive and negative'. (source)

Interestingly, it is possible to measure greater levels of sensitivity in MRI scans (source). Moreover,

[SPS] is becoming increasingly associated with identifiable genes, behavior, physiological reactions, and patterns of brain activation (Aron et al. 2012). A functionally similar trait—termed responsivity, plasticity, or flexibility (Wolf et al. 2008)—has been observed in over 100 nonhuman species including pumpkinseed sunfish (Wilson et al. 1993), birds (Verbeek et al. 1994), rodents (Koolhaas et al. 1999), and rhesus macaques (Suomi 2006).

Highly sensitive pumpkinseed sunfish. Huh.

High sensitivity is increasingly recognized in the medical community, but it's not a diagnosis and needs no "fixing." Although that's great, we also need to know how this affects our day-to-day life in parenting.

How does a highly sensitive child experience life differently?

Being a highly sensitive person, whether child or adult, means feeling deeply. The "highs" of life may feel euphoric and joyful; the "lows" may touch on despair. Of course, a highly sensitive person will spend plenty of time in the emotional middle ground, too--but when they're inclined to feel something strongly, it may be amplified as compared with others' emotions.

As such, a highly sensitive child has a nervous system that can be easily overstimulated. They may be prone to expressing big emotions, because their nervous system is literally experiencing them as feeling bigger than those of other people.

Some highly sensitive kids will despise clothing tags, for example, because they find them uncomfortable. A less sensitive person might feel frustrated by what seems like "no big deal," but these kids are literally feeling them differently on their skin.

Not every highly sensitive child will care one whit about clothing tags, however. Each child's development is different, and sensitivity will show up in different ways for different people.

What it doesn't mean to be a highly sensitive child

Highly sensitive children do not, by definition, have any "disorder," including attention deficit disorder, and they're not necessarily more anxious than other kids.

Further, they don't grow out of it by a certain age, nor are they "problem children." In fact, many highly sensitive kids are extremely well behaved due to their self-awareness and extremely perceptive understanding of others' experiences.

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What "makes" a child highly sensitive?

High sensitivity comes from not only the same types of genes that affect other temperament traits, but also the child's environment:

"...genetic factors account for between 20% and 60% of the phenotypic variance in personality, which means that the remaining 80% to 40% of the variance is attributed to environmental factors. Clearly, the environment is very important to temperament." (source)

Does this mean parents "make" their children sensitive? Not necessarily. Environment is important, but genetics play a strong role, too. As an example, let's think about hair. If a blond-haired child spends a lot of time in the sun, their hair is likely to get lighter. Conversely, if they spend more time indoors, their hair isn't likely to lighten much. There's variation within the "blondness" that can be affected by environment.

At the same time, if you put a black-haired child outside, it's highly unlikely that their hair will get substantially lighter. Their genes simply don't allow for that.

When it comes to a highly sensitive child, we can influence their sensitivity through their environment, but we can't give them genes they don't have, nor can we take away the genes they do have.

Highly sensitive children grow up to be highly sensitive adults. How we support and nurture them, however, can help determine how effectively they manage their sensitivity, and whether they see it as a gift or a hinderance.

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What your highly sensitive child needs you to know

  1. Know that the highly sensitive temperament means the child will experience legitimately more intense emotions than nonsensitive children. Feeling emotionally intense can be both wonderful and difficult; higher "highs," but also lower "lows."

    As such, it's helpful to be emotionally attuned to their feelings. Something that might bother other kids only a little, for example, might be truly disturbing to sensitive kids. Check in. Validate what their emotional experience is, rather than projecting your own or assuming all children feel the same way about their experiences.

    Example

    A toddler was meeting her uncle for the first time. Her uncle, assuming this child was like his own children, attempted to bond with her by startling her with an unexpected "Boo!" The child, however, was more startled than he anticipated, and she burst into tears. She withdrew from him for the rest of their day together, which was the opposite effect of what he'd hoped would happen.

    Helpful hint

    In this example, the uncle could've paused to read the child's body language and see if she was advancing toward him with curiosity and playfulness, or retreating when he got closer, rather than charging at her with the "boo."

    Although toddlers aren't developmentally ready to regulate their emotions, we can work with older highly sensitive children on their emotional regulation skills. This is not to say we should stop anyone from feeling their feelings. Quite the contrary.

    Instead, we set them up for future success by teaching them what to do with their big emotions. This will help them immensely not only with their day-to-day existence, but it will also help them adapt in new situations as they arise.

  2. Your child will experience their surroundings differently than others will.

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    Example

    If a highly sensitive child is at a birthday party standing next to other children, hearing the same sounds and seeing the same lights, the highly sensitive child may literally experience those sounds and lights as being louder and brighter than the others kids do.

    It's important to have a proper understanding of the child's perception; they may simply be highly aware of their surroundings, and therefore, may need more downtime to compensate for all the sensory input.

    Helpful hint

    Be proactive about creating downtime before and after big-to-them events. Your child's nervous system will need the extra support and empathy for everything it's processing all at once. Your child may need more emotional support than some others do, including for some, more physical touch and words of affirmation.

  3. Your tone and emotional authenticity matter. A lot.

    Because highly sensitive children are often so in tune with their surroundings, they're likely to notice subtle changes many others might miss.

    Example

    Let's say you have a challenging day at work. You come home and are happy to see your family, but you've got some lingering stress. The highly sensitive child may pick up on this stress, but because you've only said that you're "fine," they'll pick up on the disconnect between your tone and your words.

    Younger children, in particular, may be prone to assuming that you're upset with them, even if it's not true. They simply don't know what else might be bothering you besides their presence, so they internalize the worry and their sense of emotional safety decreases.

    Helpful hint

    Imagine what they're likely to be "reading" in your demeanor. In age-appropriate ways, be transparent about what you're feeling so they don't assume they've caused you to feel upset. Further, you can model for them healthy ways of managing your stress so that they learn how to release their own struggles.

    Being authentic also helps the highly sensitive child learn to trust their intuition.

  4. Your child probably wants you to unapologetically advocate for them until they're able to advocate for themselves.

    Example

    Be aware of their school setting. Teachers understand that different children have different temperaments, and they can be aware that the highly sensitive child may not act quickly or feel emotionally prepared when pushed far out of their comfort zone. Instead, the teacher can help them ease into new situations by talking about them beforehand and showing empathy when kids are slow to warm up to new children, or activities, at school.

    If you homeschool or unschool, child-led learning often helps highly sensitive children thrive.

    Helpful hint

    Ask for your child's consent to speak with the teacher. If they give it, follow through. This doesn't mean "coddle" the child; it means support them.

  5. You aren't "making" a child be more sensitive by being responsive to their pleas for love and attention. Some family members may erroneously say things like "You're creating a mama's boy" or a "daddy's girl," but those are old clichés that serve no purpose . To the contrary, being responsive to a child's needs helps promote their independence. Responsiveness, along with attunement to a child's emotions and experiences, are proven to nurture secure attachments (source).

    Example

    Adults in your child's life may pressure you to be tougher on your child to "prepare them for reality."

    Helpful hint

    Remind those adults that we're raising children for the world we want. The gentler we are with children, the more gentleness they'll have to pass on to others as they grow up. Harshness breeds more harshness and disconnection. Kindness begets kindness. We are preparing them for reality if they grow up choosing friends and partners who treat them kindly and respectfully. They won't stand for less.

How we can help highly sensitive children thrive

The most important thing parents and caregivers can do for sensitive kids of any age is to accept them for who they are, without trying to change them or "toughen them up." In fact, if we try to make them tougher, it may backfire--causing them to feel less supported, and more insecure.

A highly sensitive child can be extremely secure in their sense of self, especially when surrounded by adults who celebrate and cherish their sensitivity. In fact, as they grow, they can share their gifts with others. Celebrate and support these kids exactly as they are.

Although most children like going to school, it is a real fear for other kids. A fear of schools can escalate to avoidance or refusal, resulting in physical symptoms and missed opportunities for learning. Parents and educators may experience immense stress trying to fill the gaps.

This post will explore the five most common causes of school phobias. Most importantly, it will outline essential steps to help your child overcome school refusal and thrive academically, socially, and emotionally.

What is a fear of schools?

A fear of schools, known as didaskaleinophobia, is intense and persistent fear, worry, or distress over going to school. School phobia occurs most often in childhood. Didaskaleinophobia may develop in response to a traumatic event (e.g., bullying) or the anticipation of the event (e.g., returning to school after summer vacation).

Roughly 5% of kids say they feel afraid to attend school at some point in their academic journey.

What is school refusal?

School phobia may escalate to school refusal (commonly called school avoidance). Children may have difficulty completing a full day of school or even entering the building. In these instances, parents and educators should work in collaboration to:

  1. Identify the source of fear.

  2. Implement interventions and supports to help the child overcome their fear and access their education.

What are the signs & symptoms of school phobia?

School phobia can have a widespread impact on the lives of children and their families. Signs and symptoms in children may include:

Related post: How to Handle After-School Meltdowns

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What causes a fear of schools?

Children may struggle to identify or articulate why they are afraid to go to school. However, families and schools should work to pinpoint the underlying reason to help kids overcome school avoidance.

There are five primary causes:

(1) Response to a new situation or change in the school environment

In many instances, feeling afraid of school can be a normal, healthy part of development. We can expect many children to feel nervous for a short period when:

Note:  Young children who are already acquainted with their school setting can experience a brief period of separation anxiety seemingly out of the blue. Often, this is normal as kids become more aware of their environment and emotions as they grow and develop.

A change in a child's behavior always warrants a conversation about his or her fears and an effort to rule out other causes.

Also, note that Separation Anxiety Disorder (SAD) can emerge as early as third or fourth grade.

(2) Bullying & social problems

Victims of bullying often face school phobia and may avoid seeing their perpetrator(s).

Bullying can be physical, verbal, or emotional and can happen in person or online. If someone bullied your child, they may fear retaliation and might not want to report the problem to teachers or parents.

Another cause of school phobia is social problems. Kids might feel like they do not fit in with their classmates. They may also face significant worry about peers making fun of them (even if it has not necessarily happened).

Neurodivergent and LGBTQIA+ children and adolescents are at an increased risk for bullying and social challenges at school.

Related post: How to Raise Kids who Thrive

(3) Academic Stressors

Children may shut down in response to academic pressure placed on them by others or themselves. Avoiding school becomes a way to cope.

For example, kids may become overly worried about school work and grades, experience severe test anxiety, or worry about being seen as unintelligent by peers or teachers.

School avoidance can occur among low and high-achieving students. Children with perfectionist tendencies may fall into all or nothing thinking and avoid school when stress levels get too high.

(4) Fear of school shootings

Fear of school violence is a widespread concern, particularly among older children. This fear may spike after a personal trauma or national tragedy. A survey provided to teenagers shortly after the 2018 mass shooting in Parkland, Florida revealed:

(5) Underlying mental health causes

Kids with mental health conditions are more likely to fear school. An anxious child may even experience a panic attack over the thought of attending school. Underlying causes for school avoidance can include:

According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), approximately 9% of children have received an anxiety diagnosis and 4% a depression diagnosis.

Unfortunately, mental health conditions are often further compounded by other school avoidance factors such as social and academic stressors.

Related: Watch interviews here with some of the world's leading experts on education and child development

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6 Key Ways to Help Your Child Overcome School Avoidance & Refusal

If your family struggles with school avoidance, you are not alone. Also, know that you are likely a phenomenal parent (after all, you're researching how to best support your child)!

Take a moment to breathe. Remind yourself you are doing your very best to work through a highly complex and challenging life problem.

Even if you don't know the cause of your child's school refusal, there are simple, actionable steps you can take to help them through their fears.

(1) Validate your child's feelings and perspective

Research shows that minimizing feelings or reassuring your child that things will be okay can worsen fears. Trying to convince your child to love school typically falls flat.

Instead, your child will be more likely to open up and try out solutions after they feel heard. Let your child talk more than you. Then, listen and answer questions.

Parent Response Examples:

Note: Validating does not necessarily mean giving in to school refusal. Trust your child and your intuition about how best to support them.

(2) Talk through a typical school day

Talking through each part of the school day with your child can help:

Ask open-ended questions and take ample time to listen. Avoid why questions, which can put kids on the defense. Note any changes in your child’s speech or body language as they talk about their life at school.

Parent Response Examples:

(3) Serve as a consultant in the problem-solving process

Rather than telling your child exactly what they need to do to combat their school phobia, brainstorm, teach and practice coping strategies* together.

*Research shows children who report using coping skills such as "controlling negative thoughts" and "remaining calm when angry" are more resilient during the early stages of school refusal.

Rather than giving quick advice, get curious about what’s on your child’s mind and explore potential solutions together.  Offer choices that encourage your child to gain control over their school day.

Parent Response Examples:

(4) Maintain open and honest communication with the school

Always be upfront and honest with your child's teacher and school stakeholders. Unless you're making the formal switch to home education, avoid strictly isolating your child from school.

Repeatedly calling your child out sick or staying home without seeking proper mental health treatment does not address the root of the problem. The more separated a child becomes from school, the more avoidant they may become.

Furthermore, if a student is flagged for truancy per compulsory school attendance laws, the stress on a family can grow.

Your child’s school would likely rather have you call and say, “I don't know what to do! My child is hysterical and refuses to get in the car,” than to be left in the dark. His or her teacher and school staff are there to help your child and family.

You can learn more about how to advocate for your child and maintain a peaceful parent and teacher partnership here.

(5) Assemble a home-to-school support team

If your child’s school phobia interferes with their ability to attend school on time each day or engage in learning, it’s time to partner with school staff.  

Teams should include an adult family member/parent/guardian and all relevant school stakeholders, including:

Always request the presence of a school mental health professional. As a parent, you may need help advocating against punitive disciplinary measures for mental health concerns, which can cause further emotional turmoil.

Teams should convene to discuss potential interventions to help your child through their fears and encourage regular school attendance. If age appropriate, your child may also benefit from attending the meeting (depending on the concerns).

(6) Seek outside professional help

School refusal can have serious consequences. It is essential to seek professional help if you suspect your child may have an underlying mental health condition.

If your child expresses suicidal ideation or threatens self-harm over going to school, maintain close supervision and seek professional help immediately by calling 911 or visiting your local emergency room, or contacting the appropriate emergency resources in your area.

If your child works with a professional outside of school, such as a child psychologist, licensed clinical social worker, or board-certified behavior analyst, they should collaborate with the school staff to develop a school refusal treatment plan.

Parents must sign a release of information form to allow outside professionals to communicate directly with the school.

The last thing you need to know about the school phobia

Supporting your child through the stress of not wanting to go to school can evoke intense feelings for parents. Frustration, heartbreak, and fears are common at any age.

Children quickly pick up and respond negatively to our stress levels as parents. Self-awareness of emotions, coupled with self-care, is critical.

I invite you to learn key ways to become a safe, calm space for your child through times of family stress here.

While processing your own emotions, strive to keep an open mind. Avoid comparing your child to other children. While their school phobia might seem irrational, empathize without judgment.

Remember, the most powerful parenting tool at your disposal is always unconditional love.

*

Guest Writer: Tana Amodeo

Guest Writer, Tana Amodeo, founder of suchalittlewhile.com

Tana Amodeo is a mother of two, former professional school counselor, Certified Positive Discipline Parent Educator, and founder of suchalittlewhile.com. She has partnered with thousands of parents internationally to foster healthy social/emotional child development through foundational positive parenting tools.

References

The American Academy of Pediatrics. (2017, September 5). School avoidance: Tips for concerned parents. HealthyChildren.org. Retrieved May 1, 2022, from https://www.healthychildren.org/English/health-issues/conditions/emotional-problems/Pages/School-Avoidance.aspx

Bitsika, V., Heyne, D. A., & Sharpley, C. F. (2021, November 9). The inverse association between psychological resilience and emerging school refusal among bullied autistic youth. Research in Developmental Disabilities. Retrieved April 26, 2022, from https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34768056/

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2022, March 4). Data and statistics on children's Mental Health. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Retrieved April 29, 2022, from https://www.cdc.gov/childrensmentalhealth/data.html

Graf, N. (2020, May 30). A majority of U.S. teens fear a shooting could happen at their school, and most parents share their concern. Pew Research Center. Retrieved April 28, 2022, from https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2018/04/18/a-majority-of-u-s-teens-fear-a-shooting-could-happen-at-their-school-and-most-parents-share-their-concern/

How can a behaviorist help my school Avoidant child get back to school? School Avoidance Alliance. (2021, August 9). Retrieved April 26, 2022, from https://schoolavoidance.org/how-can-a-behaviorist-help-my-school-avoidant-child-get-back-to-school/

Knollmann, M., Knoll, S., Reissner, V., Metzelaars, J., & Hebebrand, J. (2010). School avoidance from the point of view of child and adolescent psychiatry: symptomatology, development, course, and treatment. Deutsches Arzteblatt international, 107(4), 43–49. https://doi.org/10.3238/arztebl.2010.0043

Separation Anxiety Disorder in Children. Cedars Sinai. (n.d.). Retrieved April 30, 2022, from https://www.cedars-sinai.org/health-library/diseases-and-conditions---pediatrics/s/separation-anxiety-disorder-in-children.html

Separation Anxiety Disorder in Children. Stanford Children's Health - Lucile Packard Children's Hospital Stanford. (n.d.). Retrieved April 26, 2022, from https://www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=separation-anxiety-disorder-90-P02582

Sorin, R. (2003). Validating young children's feelings and experiences of fear. Contemporary Issues in Early Childhood, 4(1), 80–89. https://doi.org/10.2304/ciec.2003.4.1.8

The University of Exeter. (2019, February 27). Child anxiety could be factor in school absences. ScienceDaily. Retrieved April 26, 2022 from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2019/02/190227191056.htm

After-school restraint collapse is a fancy way to say after-school meltdowns. And I want you to know this: they're normal. In fact, they're downright common and can happen to all kids.

More on that in a moment. Here's what the reality feels like, though: it's messy.

You may be eagerly and happily awaiting the arrival of your child as they come home from school, anticipating they'll be full of stories and wonder -- then BOOM. It's like a tsunami rolls in your front door and you're left with the emotional aftermath (not to mention all the cleanup).

What's going on?

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What is after-school restraint collapse?

After-school restraint collapse is a meltdown that a child experiences after school, and specifically as a result of their school experience.

While the after-school restraint collapse can affect all kids, it can be more prominent in sensitive children with learning or socialization problems. Further vulnerabilities, like a lack of sleep, hunger, overstimulation, or sickness, may result in even the most even-keeled child losing control at home. (source)

Does this mean there's something wrong with your child? Are they TOO sensitive or do they have a "socialization problem?" Does it mean they hate school and you shouldn't send them back? Probably not at all. They're probably just overwhelmed and having a good old fashioned meltdown.

Having meltdowns doesn't mean children are regressing to the toddler years (unless, ahem, they're actual toddlers). It just means they're human, having big human feelings like every other person on Earth. We all get overwhelmed sometimes.

Because they're kids, though, they need some special support when they get home -- along with some specific tools to help them decompress.

What causes after-school restraint collapse?

For all children, school may or may not be a safe place emotionally. That doesn't necessarily mean that "unsafe" things are happening at school.

To the contrary, it simply means that school can be overwhelming, even for kids who absolutely love school.

However, unlike at home where children generally feel free to be themselves, school is about conformity. School is about obeying the rules; about being quiet; and not being disruptive in class. To a point, having a predictably calm learning environment is essential for learning to happen in a group setting.

As such, except at designated free times, children are generally expected to contain their energy and behave a certain way.

To be clear, I'm not dissing schools. In their defense, schools -- and teachers in particular -- are almost invariably doing the best they can with the resources they have. Still, there's a schedule to be followed. Adults often enforce certain rules with the intent of helping children learn and progress academically. Teachers simply can't slow down much when one or two (or more) children are waffling emotionally while the rest of the class is waiting. There's work to do.

What happens to all the children's pent-up energy, though? If they can't let it out through playing, roughhousing, and moving whenever and however they feel called to do, it has to go somewhere.

In many cases, children simply bottle it up and save it for when they get home.

All the happy, sad, disappointed, and excited energy has to go somewhere. It doesn't magically disintegrate when the bell rings.

School can sometimes feel like a pressure cooker with no release valve.

Kids need to decompress. Especially for the child who behaves well by the school's standards and you know is under a lot of pressure, we, as the adults, need to create a safe space for them to process what happens at school every day. If they don't decompress, it's a sure-fire recipe for upheaval.

Incidentally, these restraint collapse meltdowns differ from tantrums in some notable ways.

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How do tantrums differ from meltdowns?

A tantrum is a child's big reaction when something happens that they feel was out of their control. They have strong feelings that things should've gone their way. It's often tried to a specific frustration.

Example of a tantrum: Your child has been mentally planning for a sandwich for lunch. You serve pasta. They express their displeasure loudly, perhaps seeming to lose all sense of self-control in the interim.

A meltdown is the release of stored emotion, with or without a clear and identifiable cause. It may manifest as something that seems small to the adult, such as the color of the child's cup -- but really, it's the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. It's often associated with feelings of overwhelm.

Example of a meltdown: A child sits down to start their homework. Rather than happily starting in on it, they start to yell about the homework, not wanting to feed the cat, not wanting to take a bath, etc. Suddenly it feels like everything is wrong.

Parenting is hard when you're unsure where to begin soothing the child.

As a parent and parent educator, I choose to reframe the word "meltdown" as an "emotional release." I've never liked the term "meltdown" because, for many people, it ascribes a negative connotation with completely normal behavior. It's healthy to get our feelings out. We all need effective decompression strategies that support our mental health.

For children, crying and "acting out" are often their natural ways to connect with us. If we're responsive in supporting them, it reinforces to their brains that the world is a safe place.

That doesn't mean that all behavior is acceptable; but the expression of emotions certainly is. This is part of growing their emotional regulation skills. They learn that it's safe to feel their feelings.

Here are some specific steps we can take to support our kids and help them through restraint collapse.

How to Address After-School Restraint Collapse

1. Create neutral ground & manage expectations

The only things you can predict are that your kids will

...but there's no way to know in advance what that something is. Parents often naturally assume that when their kids get home, they'll be happy. As we know, though, that's not always the case.

Sometimes it helps to have a phrase to repeat to yourself before your child comes home. For example, "I wonder what my child will be feeling today."

In doing so, you bring yourself to a place of neutrality. You remove your expectations and set the stage for holding space for whatever your child may be feeling.

2. Have consistent and planned downtime

An overwhelmed child doesn't need to be rushed to the next big event. If they enjoy extracurricular activities and events, that's wonderful -- and they still need downtime. No child needs to practice "burning the candle at both ends" before they even reach adulthood; that only leads to future burned out grown ups.

Kim John Payne, M.Ed., speaks extensively about this critical need for balanced and planned downtime, including here in this recent interview. Even the busiest and most social kids need quiet time to relax and regroup.

What does this downtime look like? For some, it's time together outside in nature, walking or riding a bike; others just need some space to be alone and process. Still others want to talk and connect with you. Of course, they may feel different emotions day-to-day and their needs for support may change.

Perhaps the most important stress-busting tool to help them deal with stress in healthy ways every single day is the next point: play.

3. Increase unstructured play time

Kids spend all day at school moving from one highly structured event to the next, save, perhaps, for recess. When we allow more of it, though, here's what happens:

"Recent research suggests that children should experience twice as much unstructured time as structured play experiences and touts the benefits of unstructured play on whole child development including fostering social competence, respect for rules, self-discipline, aggression control, problem solving skills, leadership development, conflict resolution, and playing by the rules." (source)

When children don't have enough play time, their stress levels go up. It makes them suffer not only emotionally, but also physically (source). It then takes less extra stress to push them into meltdown land, so why not lower their stress by doing that which comes most naturally to them -- more play?

4. Greet them with these three things

When your child gets home, I recommend you greet them with these three things:

  1. A smile. A smile is a natural invitation to talk. When you're available to connect in this way rather than rushing off to the next big thing, it helps kids feel seen.
  2. A hug. For many kids, a hug is positively the best way to melt off some feelings of overwhelm. Touch truly is healing; it releases oxytocin (the "love hormone") and helps kids feel better. (source)
  3. A snack. True -- you can't "feed" stress to solve it. However, learning is hard work and it burns a lot of calories. Let your child decide whether or not they're hungry, but it's a good idea to keep a nutrient-dense snack handy. (Here's support for picky eaters.)

5. Find ways to stay connected even when you're apart

For many kids, it's just plain hard to be away from you -- the person they love most in the world. Many people wrongly believe that after a certain age, separation anxiety should no longer exist.

In truth, we all miss our loved ones sometimes. Healthy separation anxiety, to some degree, should last forever. It means they care.

If separation anxiety is an issue, you can do several things to stay connected even when you're apart. Here are some starting points.

6. Let your child get it out

As Drs. Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson say, "Name it to frame it." Help your child name what they're feeling. Some kids may not even realize the "energy burden" they've been shouldering all day.

Some benefit from having a calm-down corner (which is NOT a time-out), whereas others prefer to co-regulate. Follow their lead. No matter their preference, the key message you want to convey is "You and all your feelings are safe here for as long as you need to express them." Being their rock helps create and/or reinforce their secure attachment to you.

Don't take restraint collapse personally -- AND set yourself up for success

Parenting is hard enough without us having to feel responsible for our child's after-school restraint collapse. Know that you didn't cause the restraint collapse; you're their safe person with whom to express it. Figure out what you need to feel peaceful regardless of whatever emotions roll in alongside your child.

When you can be their calm and know that you're their source of security and safety, this is what matters most. You're there for them. Keep showing up, and soon enough, they'll lean more fully into the peace they call Home.

Please allow me to be blunt: sometimes children drive their parents batty. Of course, sometimes parents drive their children "'round the bend," too -- so all is fair in love and parenting. What should parents do, though, when their kids' batty-making behavior requires a response of some sort, and they want to address their children using non-punitive, positive discipline?

The solution often rests in natural and logical consequences.

What are natural and logical consequences, and how do they work?

What natural consequences and logical consequences have in common is that they peacefully teach children their so-called life lessons. That's the essence of peaceful discipline: teaching that does no harm.

When used correctly, natural and logical consequences are valuable teaching tools. Examples of both are below.

An important distinction to make, of course, is to know that both natural and logical consequences are different from boundaries. Ideally, boundaries are the loving and fair guidelines that grown-ups establish to help ensure their children's safety, health, and social-emotional growth.

Natural and logical consequences are not punishments; they're simply the effects of choices. Think of consequences as non-punitive teachers.

Consequences can be positive or negative. For example, the consequence of a child treating a sibling well is usually a peaceful relationship. The consequence of a child mistreating a sibling is usually conflict.

Related mini-course: Setting and Enforcing Healthy Boundaries for Kids; Related expert interview: Dr. Laura Markham of Aha! Parenting Discusses Sibling Rivalry

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The place where boundaries and consequences meet is often where learning happens best.

A natural consequence is a "cause and effect" relationship that is directly related to the child's behavior.

Example: A child says he "doesn't care" that he's left his favorite toy truck outside in the driveway. The parent warns the child that the toy might break or be stolen if he leaves it there overnight. Still, the child refuses to retrieve it.

Sure enough, the next morning, the parent backs out of the garage to take the child to school and has completely forgotten about the toy truck. The car rolls over the truck and they hear the dreaded "crunch."

The natural consequence is that no one can fix the truck and the child is sad.

The broken truck and the sadness of the child are enough of a teacher that the child doesn't need further punishment for having left the truck outside. The natural consequence here is enough.

Likely result: Next time, when the adult says to the child, "Please move your toys off the driveway," the child will be more inclined to remember the broken truck and consider his options more carefully. If he chooses to move his toys, that will likely result in a positive natural consequence, instead -- nothing breaks. He'll learn greater responsibility naturally.

Logical consequences are consequences that are a related and connected progression of the situation that's already in motion.

Just like natural consequences, logical consequences are not punishment. Still, they're a very effective teacher.

Example: A child who struggles with screen time wants to keep playing her online game even though she's exceeded the daily screen limit to which she and her parents had previously agreed. Perhaps she's sneaking away from the dinner table to "check in," or she's feigning sleep and staying up late chatting online with friends.

Her parents are aware of her "misbehavior," yet they know punishment will only make her want to hide her behavior further (source). Resultantly, her family wants solutions that help their child feel seen and validated, while still holding the agreed-upon boundary.

Although natural consequences might include letting her stay online and face the repercussions of being overtired at school the next day, her mom and dad realize that logical consequences might be in order.

It's not that logical consequences are harsher or "better" teachers, but perhaps there are safety or logistical reasons that she shouldn't be exhausted at school.

Logical consequences might include allowing her to use the device at will, but requiring that she give it to her parents for safekeeping at an agreed-upon time.

Likely result: She'll find a way to balance her time more effectively.

As an aside, another option worth considering is to see if it's time to revisit her daily screen limit. Perhaps the limit wasn't realistic and genuinely warrants another look.

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Although natural and logical consequences are not punishments, children might still have big feelings about them.

It's normal and developmentally healthy for children to push back on, and question, the boundaries their parents establish. In fact, it behooves adults to let children practice pushing back. It's much safer for a child to practice boundary-pushing with a trusted adult than with peers, for example. In some cases, negotiation is a positive.

Still, children might have big feelings when grown-ups stand firm on healthy boundaries. If the boundaries are reasonable and fair, the parent can uphold them confidently and with compassion.

Gentle, respectful parenting isn't boundary-less parenting.

That said, the child should perceive no "vibe" of punishment with natural or logical consequences. Limits can and should be loving. Ideally, the parent will have collaborated with the child to agree on mutually agreeable behavior before a situation has escalated.

The key to this peaceful approach, of course, is being proactive. In the example of the toy truck, the parent might've used play to engage the child in collaborative problem-solving rather than only leaning on a factual warning that something might damage the truck.

Playful parenting, particularly with younger kids, removes the vast majority of potential conflict.

Related mini-courses: Holding Space for Big Feelings, Should We Talk to Kids about "Good" and "Bad" Choices?, and Playful Parenting

Speaking of punishments, what's wrong with them, anyway?

A parenting approach that focuses too much on parental control and punishment is called authoritarian parenting. It's linked to a host of problems as the child grows older.

The negative side effects to this type of parenting include: Children are aggressive, but can also be socially inept...Children in these families have poor self-esteem, are poor judges of character and will rebel against authority figures when they are older. Children will model the behavior shown to them by their parents while with their peers and as future parents themselves. Children rarely learn to think on their own. Children have a difficult time managing their anger and are very resentful. (source)

True, not all punitive parenting comes from authoritarian parenting. It's a very common combination, however.

Adult-driven punishments don't help children internalize the intended message--and they often backfire.

If a child feels the parent's punitive "teaching" did nothing more than hurt their feelings and/or the relationship, the adult-driven "consequence" is not likely to be an effective teacher. It only teaches the child that the adult has control over them. The consequence does not get to the root cause of the problem.

If anything, some children will learn to hide their misbehavior better due to fear of being caught, rather than change their actions.

The present study compared the lie-telling behavior of 3- and 4-year-old West African children...from either a punitive or a non-punitive school. Children were told not to peek at a toy when left alone in a room. Most children could not resist the temptation and peeked at the toy. When the experimenter asked them if they had peeked, the majority of the punitive school peekers lied about peeking at the toy while significantly fewer non-punitive school children did so. The punitive school children were better able to maintain their deception than non-punitive school children when answering follow-up questions. Thus, a punitive environment not only fosters increased dishonesty but also children’s abilities to lie to conceal their transgressions. (source)

Many punishments don't account for where children are in their development. 

Even if they can walk, talk, and tie their own shoes, children are not miniature adults and can't be expected to act as such. Indeed, they may sometimes exhibit the emotional maturity to make grown-ups believe their brains are working like adults' do, but that's simply not the case.

Development isn't linear. It will take a child until roughly the age of 25 for their brain to work as an adult's does (source).

In the meantime, they'll often act in ways that seem to be attention-seeking, when really they're seeking connection to those they hold dear.

Furthermore, sometimes they'll act with empathy and seem to convey a deep understanding of others' perspectives, while other times, they'll seem "selfish."

As it turns out, this "focus on the self" is exactly what helped increase a child's odds of survival from an evolutionary perspective. It's a healthy stage of growing up. We can't make kids grow up faster, but we can support optimal brain development and gently help nurture emotional intelligence.

Learning about child development can help grown-ups manage their expectations about what's normal -- and parent accordingly.

Most punishments are strategies to gain compliance rather than foster connection -- but at a cost.

If an adult thinks "connection is not an appropriate way to teach," these counterpoints are worth considering:

Further, when children grow older and need to navigate relationships with their teachers, in school with other students, and eventually in the workplace, will their parents have modeled how to address conflict peacefully or through force?

Kids are no different from grown-ups in these respects. Grown-ups can effectively teach responsibility, how to learn from mistakes, and other important lessons using non-punitive strategies. Causing emotional or physical pain to teach simply isn't helpful.

What about strong willed children? Don't they need harsher lessons to make them learn?

A so-called "strong willed" child is often named as such because of power struggles with the parent. Indeed, kids who seem to be especially stubborn can legitimately be frustrating for their grown-ups!

Interestingly, when kids are strong willed, many adults respond by digging in their heels and attempting to make their children less strong willed. From the child's perspective, however, the grown-up is just as strong willed as they are.

That's the classic recipe for a power struggle.

The remedy is not to be stronger than the child in an eternal tug-of-war until the parent "wins," but rather, to teach in ways that have only positive consequences.

Oftentimes, if a child is strong willed, the solution is to find a new way to communicate with that child. Natural and logical consequences can be particularly effective teachers for these kids. And bonus, they're often much less work for the grown-up!

Example: Sometimes grown-ups get "stuck" in their discipline pattern, such as yelling. If yelling isn't working, the child doesn't need the grown-up to yell even louder. Volume isn't the issue. Perhaps slowing down and peacefully getting on the child's level would get the child's attention better. If a "solution" isn't working, it's not the right solution!

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Why some of the most commonly used "consequences" don't work

Below are some drawbacks of common punitive approaches.

Removing a toy, privilege, or device time is not a natural or logical consequence.

Unless the toy, privilege, or device is directly the source of the child's problematic behavior, removing these items only teaches the child that the adult has the power to control them.

In the examples of natural and logical consequences above, taking away cartoons, for instance, from the child who left his truck outside would not be an effective teacher.

This punishment is not related to the child's ability to understand the repercussions of his actions. It's like telling a child who's been eating apples that he can't have oranges anymore.

A time-out is not a natural or logical consequence.

Sending a child away to process their feelings or "think about what they've done" rarely results in a child actually thinking about what they've done. More likely, they feel emotionally unsupported and unsure of what to do in the future when the triggering situation comes up again. It's as if they're given a destination with no map of how to reach it.

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Want more peace with your child? Click to buy this book.

Indeed, there's a big difference between a punitive time-out and a calm-down corner for co-regulation. One is helpful for teaching; the other drives emotional distance.

Spanking is not a natural or logical consequence.

Spanking is associated with a host of significant problems, both short-term and long-term, for the child's development (source). Although some parents claim it's a good "teacher" and is helpful for changing behavior, any change in the child's behavior comes from fear.

Even if the parent spanks only after their anger has passed, or makes it what they perceive to be a "mild" spanking, a child's nervous system is incapable of telling the difference.

Spanking a young child breaks trust and may hinder development in the same ways that ever stronger forms of abuse do (source). Further, spanking results in lower IQ (source), and may even contribute to long-term behavioral and mental health problems (source). That's hardly a "win."

Threats, bribes, and rewards are not natural or logical consequences -- or effective motivators in the long run.

Bribes and rewards are problematic in their own right. They can result in a child who complies only when bribed or rewarded, thereby damaging their intrinsic motivation.

It's understandable. Even adults learn quite quickly to hold out for the "prize" if given the choice between having one and not. It's not manipulation; it's human nature.

Threats are, like punishments, a component of fear-based parenting. No one wants a relationship based on fear of what might be taken away, up to and including a parent's affection.

Even smaller and seemingly more benign threats, such as "If you don't go to bed now, you won't get to watch your favorite show tomorrow," can create anxiety (source). Anxiety-ridden children often grow into anxiety-ridden grown-ups. 

In this example, a better alternative would be, "It's bedtime, and I want to make sure you feel rested and happy tomorrow. Let's get cozy and relax together." The focus is on what the child gains, not on what they risk losing. Again, the grown-up can uphold the limit with compassion and empathy.

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Which are better - natural or logical consequences?

To be clear, both natural and logical consequences are better than punitive discipline. Both can address misbehavior in ways that help children learn how to get along well in the world.

Children can learn responsibility and self-discipline without being punished. The normal effects of living life and learning from experiences can be wonderful teachers.

The healthiest alternative to punishment: collaborative, respectful parenting

While it's true that children do need healthy boundaries, those boundaries can guide gently and respectfully. When children feel they have a voice, and that their life experience teaches them what they need to know, it's a much more peaceful existence.

Positive consequences of this peaceful existence often include a child's natural desire to cooperate more easily because they feel more empowered, and less controlled, overall. Kids are wired for connection with their caregivers, just as are their caregivers to them. When everyone's getting along, they want to do well for each other.

Fostering healthy sibling love and a strong relationship among your children is an important part of their development. Allowing them to develop a camaraderie and appreciation for each other can help them forge familial bonds that last into their adulthood.

Kids who had a lot of conflict and parental favoritism growing up are more prone to developing depression, anxiety, hostility, and loneliness in their later years.

Since positive habits and behaviors are best developed while young, make sure to introduce activities that your children can try together. Here are some you can use to help them naturally bond and grow their sibling love.

Sibling love tip #1: Pick up hobbies together

This option is very versatile given that there are many hobbies for siblings to start doing together! It’s something for them to talk about and bond over or, at the very least, to create shared experiences. You can have them try sports, or do something home-based like arts and crafts.

One hobby that can suit various age groups while nurturing sibling love is music. Older kids might want to start a family band to make things fun, while younger kids can just enjoy experimenting with various instruments.

Research cited by the World Economic Forum notes that learning to play music can help with brain development.

Toddlers can boost their motor skills while toying with a small piano, while learning notes could help older kids strengthen their memory. These skills can be transferred to tasks outside of playing music, such as their education. Plus, music can be a very fun thing to make together!

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Sibling love tip #2: Take them to outdoor group activities

Frequently taking your kids outdoors is very good for their health, development, and bonding. A study in the Journal of Environmental Psychology points out that children who are connected to nature are more ‘pro-social’. This means they’re more likely to help, share, and cooperate with others around them. And even if the children are still very young, it pays to get them outside and experiencing the world.

If you prefer using a stroller to babywearing, the tandem strollers on iCandy (available in the U.K. and Ireland) show how many designs are built to carry more than one child simultaneously while maintaining the same width as a single pushchair.

This allows the siblings to be in close contact with each other and engage with the outdoor environment without the inconvenience of a side-by-side stroller. If one child is more inquisitive, they can be placed in the front, while the child in the back with have the comfort of being shielded.

Once they get older, you have more options to nurture sibling love, such as outdoor games, camping, or fishing trips. These are all activities they can engage in together to form a bond.

Sibling love tip #3: Playing co-op games

Playing games is a surefire way to pique a kid's interest and help them learn new things. With the vast array of board games out there and the advent of multiplayer video games, you can easily let your kids have some fun together in an activity that requires them to work as a team to succeed.

If you're worried about content that might not be good for children, you can always read up on appropriate options, such as the kid-friendly games featured on CNET. There are tons of games you can even play together with your kids to foster their bonding time and associate it with parent time, too.

Sibling love tip #4: Make DIY projects together

It's always fun for kids when they get to make something they can be proud of. It flexes their creativity and can even teach them new skills. There are a lot of DIY craft projects that are easy enough for kids of different ages, and you can either have them collaborate on making one thing or have them create their own variations (as long as you avoid making things too competitive.)

Make it a regular activity or have your children pick out projects they personally find interesting so they can each feel engaged.

Parenting siblings requires more care, but the rewards are fulfilling for the heart. For more tips on raising kids to be peaceful with each other, check out our interview with Dr. Laura Markham of Aha! Parenting.

This post was prepared by Isabelle Sharp.

In Part 1 of this interview excerpt, Rachel Rainbolt discusses natural learning. She addresses common fallacies and how we can embrace it as a valid form of education.

Sarah with Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting

Hello. I am Sarah with Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting and I am so excited today to talk to a kindred spirit, Rachel Rainbolt, of Sage Family.

It seems like I should have met you a thousand times in real life. We were homeschooling in the same part of the country for a very long time. We have tons of mutual connections. And we are now just meeting for the first time.

Rachel Rainbolt

Oh, I love that feeling. I love when like the two souls finally cross and you're like, yes, you're my people. So yes, it's amazing that we hadn't met sooner, but I'm glad we've connected now. I look forward to all of that brings in the future. 

Sarah of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting

I'd love to hear a little bit about you and your journey of natural learning.

First of all, I have to say I love your name -- Sage. The connotation is just lovely; the healing herb as well as the inference of wisdom. Tell me a little bit how you got started and what you do these days.

Rachel Rainbolt on the birth of Sage Family

Yeah. Well, first of all, I did this business with the birth of my second. His middle name, Sage, is where it came from.

It's like the nature and the power of nature combined with wisdom and insight and evidence, and then of course my love for my kiddos, so it felt like a good fit for my work.

Presently, I have three kiddos who are 15, 12, and almost 9. I am a homeschooling mama. We have been homeschooling for I don't even know how many years at this point.

Those of you who have read the Sage Homeschooling book (afflink) know that we put my oldest in school. She was in school for a couple years and then we bailed. We have been homeschooling ever since.

I have a master's degree in marital and family therapy. When I graduated,

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rather than going into private practice or agency work, I wanted to continue doing the work. I was passionate about helping families. But I wanted to do it in a way where it could be integrated with motherhood -- and I could still be fully present for my kids and homeschooling my kids.

So, that is how Sage family was born. Over the past 12 years,  I've written a series of books, homeschooling being the most notable of them.

I have a bunch of online classes, the bucket system being the biggest one, and then I've been doing coaching with families around the world.

Sarah on integrating natural learning into our lives

You said such a magical word a moment ago: "integrated."

One of the things that I love most about what you do is you don't really seem to describe homeschooling as a method per se. You talk more about natural learning as a way of life.

That ties in so beautifully with gentle parenting and this holistic view of what goes on within the walls of your home.

Let's help parents understand that how natural learning can happen outside of the traditional brick-and-mortar version of education.

How can parents really come to terms with trusting their children as partners in their education?

Watch Full Interview Here

Rachel Rainbolt on the integration of natural learning

Yeah, there's so much to that question. First, the integration piece is one of my battle cries.

I think that for women, especially, there's this societal expectation of compartmentalization -- you're a lawyer over here, but  you're a mother over there. You're a you're a wife over here...It's as if all these things need to be separate and that sets everyone up to fail. It's not sustainable. - Rachel Rainbolt on natural learning

It doesn't honor the fullness of who you are. It short changes everyone because when I show up as my full and authentic self, everyone benefits from that.

Now for the the lifestyle bit of the homeschooling and natural learning, yes, I love that you picked up on that nuance. I talk a lot about that. It's not an educational approach per se.

I mean, technically, it would check that box, but that's not how we apply it. That's not how it plays out or how we live it.

It really is just a lifestyle.

It's not something that we do between the hours of 9 a.m. and 2 p.m. We do it around the dining room table. It's happening all the time, as my kid is falling asleep in a cuddle with me. That's natural learning, too.

It happens as my kid is working on the coordination to floss their own teeth. That's natural homeschooling, too. I mean, all of these things are natural learning.

It's all of the facets of daily living, in addition to the bigger, more typically 'school-y' stuff that my kids do. There are really no distinctions or delineation or subject silos for us. We're just always in this state of wonder, following our curiosities, honoring our passions, and supporting our challenges. - Rachel Rainbolt on natural learning

All of that is really playing to our strengths; nurturing them. All of that is part of natural learning.

There's this misconception that when your child turns five, it's like all of a sudden, the only way to learn is sitting at a desk, going through worksheets, being lectured to by a teacher in a classroom -- but nothing fundamental changes about the way human brains work or the way psychology works, or the way learning works -- at the age of five.

So, how DO children learn beyond age five if it's not through worksheets and lectures?

The exact same way they learned before the age of five.

Your kid can learn to read the same way they learned to talk; in the same way that they learned to walk.

Rachel Rainbolt on natural learning
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Sarah on how natural learning works "in action"

Yes, beautiful -- and we certainly don't give them talking or walking lessons. I mean, aside from helping my child learn how to say "Mama" when she was tiny and only knew, "Dada! Dada!" -- I might've been guilty of focusing a little extra more on the "Mama" part for awhile.

Besides that, though, we don't "teach" our kids all the words. And we don't say, you know, "Put your left foot in front of your right..." for walking. Kids just learn these things.

Rachel Rainbolt on natural learning 

The notion of that is completely ludicrous and absurd. We just trust that it'll work out. Even in your example of emphasizing "Mama," we still do that in in all of the areas of learning. It's normal.

If I'm trying to put something together and my husband has put this thing together before, he might be like, "Oh, look. You turn it this way. Turn it around. There you go. Yeah, that's it."

That's normal. That's a part of how we learn things. That's a perfect example of how how we can be supportive.

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Natural learning and the child's environment

I think the environment plays a lot into natural learning. I will plant things in the environment based on my kids' interests that might resonate with them -- and then let go of my attachment to what they do with that object or that thing. 

We can be supportive of their learning journey without taking ownership.

If you want a self-driven, intrinsically motivated human being, then you have to let them own their learning journey. It's their life. You get to be a coach, guide, support, and consultant along that journey. - Rachel Rainbolt on natural learning

Sarah of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting on the invitation to natural learning

I love that so much. You just said another magical word in my teaching vocabulary: "invitation." We invite our children into the exploration of that which we are exposing them to. If it is forced, that comes from the parent and isn't natural learning. This is an invitation.

You also talked about a really key point that I want people to internalize. You talked about relinquishing control. We need to trust that our children are going to grow and learn and pick up what they need to pick up in life.

Can you talk a little bit more about that process of relinquishing control and replacing it with a sense of trust?

See related mini-course: Ways to Make Homeschooling Easier

Rachel Rainbolt on relinquishing control in natural learning

That's really a stopping point for a lot of parents as they try to engage in this way of learning.

Insecurity sort of breeds anxiety, and anxiety breeds control. When we feel anxious, we lean way far forward and we take control of things. Interestingly, studies show that when we take control, it reduces the parental anxiety and it increases the kid's anxiety. When we lean forward, they have no choice but to lean back. If you're taking up all the space, there's no space for them to grow into. - Rachel Rainbolt on releasing control in natural learning

If you want your child to be motivated and passionate and driven and independent, you have to give them the space to grow into all of those qualities.

Trust will grow one moment at a time, one interaction at a time, one gesture at a time.

Look for an opportunity where your kid is making a request or  wants some sort of freedom. If your anxiety is telling you, "No, take over here" -- instead, just lean back and observe.

Just observe what happens. Notice what's happening in your kid. Get really curious. Wonder what's happening within them; what things are developing through this experience.

...

I have never, ever had an experience where I leaned into trust and I later regretted it. - Rachel Rainbolt on natural learning 

I've never been like, "Oh, I really I pushed myself beyond my comfort zone there and I trusted them to know themselves and it was awful" -- because no matter what experience may have been, they learned from it.

It's this golden experience that they get to have;  they learn more about themselves. They learn more about the world. Even if they fall down, they integrate that experience into their web of understanding about the universe and their place in it.

There's all this gold that comes out of those experiences, even hard ones.

Sarah of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting on failure as part of natural learning

Exactly. It harkens back to the walking example that we shared a little while ago. If a child falls down, they will learn in that moment, "Oh, maybe I don't just keep walking straight off that step. Maybe I need to bend my knees  next time."

We can look for opportunities to teach "in the moment." Last night, for example, my child asked why oil and water don't mix.  That's not a question that I dismiss. That's one where I can say, "My child is inviting me into her learning." Guess who has a science unit coming up on why oil and water don't mix?

My child is interested. My child is invested in this, and from there, I can trust that she is taking that metaphorical step to the next level of her science education, in this example.

She's growing and learning every bit as much, if not more, than if I'd have put that worksheet down in front of her saying, "Here's a picture of oil and here's a picture of water. Let's study it now." That would have been zero context. She wouldn't have cared. Now, she cares.

A lot of the current teaching methods are not the same as natural learning. It's not about retaining and spitting out the information for a test. You never think about it again. Natural learning can enable a deeper assimilation.

Rachel Rainbolt on the role of the parent in natural learning

I love your example about falling while walking. Think about the role of the parent in that in that learning.

It's not our job to protect them from falling. It's not our job to get them walking. It's our job just to be there with loving arms if they come to us crying because they hit their knee on the floor. Be there when they need us and cheer them on when they're proud of themselves. - Rachel Rainbolt on natural learning

We just need to continue that beyond the age of five. It's this deeply intuitive natural version of connection that human beings are hard-wired to thrive in. We just need to carry that through for the long haul.

Sarah of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting on encountering the naysayers of natural learning

Let's jump to the naysayers for a second because obviously you and I are totally on board. We are speaking the same language here, but somebody is going to be watching this video or reading it later as a blog post and saying, "All I know are worksheets. All I know is the method with which I was raised. Prove to me that your method works."

How do we do that? What kind of validation do we have that natural learning works?

Rachel Rainbolt on the efficacy of natural learning

I love this question because I think even more so than the homeschooling parent being the naysayer, I find that it tends to be others who are naysayers and sometimes those voices work their way in and get stuck [in our minds].

When the parents come to me with those those questions, it's not really their questions.

First, I want to be really clear about where those fears are coming from. Whose fears are those? Do they belong to me or do they belong to someone else? - Rachel Rainbolt on addressing the naysayers of natural learning

Because if there's a concern you have, that belongs to your child or belongs to you.

I want to pay homage to that and I want to sit with the question of if it's a fear or judgment that belongs to someone else. [If the latter], I want you to give it back to them.

We're talking about letting people to have ownership of their own stuff.

Let your kid on their own journey. You are on your own journey. Let other people own their own journey.

If someone on the street were to come up to me and say, "Does this work?"

I'd be like, "Yeah," and then move on with my day because I'm not responsible [for their judgement of natural learning]. It's not my job to make them feel better about my life choices. They can feel however they want to feel about it. They get to own their feelings and their experience.

So now, does [natural learning] work?

The short answer is yes. I'm all about evidence-based practices. There's always evidence, depending on the question.

So for example, does unschooling work for math?

We have a lot of evidence that shows that the level of math anxiety that kids start college with actually puts them at a disadvantage, whereas kids who have had formal math instruction when they start college progress farther, faster.

In daily living, the average person only uses math up to about 5th or 6th grade. Any math beyond that is considered specialized math.

So for me, who runs a business and a family, I consider myself very successful. I live a very happy and fulfilling life. I don't use math beyond 5th grade math.

I know this us because I've gone through all of the math curriculum at various times with different children of mine, interested in learning different things. Beyond 5th grade math, I don't ever use it. I never, ever used it, even in grad school.

I use statistics a lot, and statistics is a pretty isolated specialty that has nothing to do with, say, geometry. I wasn't doing geometry at any point in college or grad school, so math beyond that is specialized.

If you have a need to learn something and a desire to learn something and you know how to learn, you can learn any of those things.

If a child around the age of sixth grade has never had any formal math instruction instruction at all, they can learn the first five years of math something like 20 instruction hours.

So, it takes 20 hours to learn K through 5 math if you are in sixth grade. Once your brain is a little older, you can learn this stuff really quickly and really easily.

If you had never been taught the days of the week -- no one ever sat you down with a chart and made you recite, "What day is it today? You know, there's a poster on the wall. Today is Monday."

It drives me crazy when I see teachers or homeschooling parents posting little videos or photos of them drilling their kids. Like, how do I get my kid to sit for this and they're not reciting it back to me.

Do you really think that your kid's going to reach adulthood having no concept of days of the week? As if their friends will say, "Hey, you want to meet up and hang out on Friday night?" And they're like, "What's Friday? My mom never taught me what Friday is."

If it's relevant to us, then we learn it. If there's like a gap in our knowledge or understanding, we're driven to understand it and to learn it and to know it. - Rachel Rainbolt on how motivation works in natural learning

What does it mean to you for it to "work?"

I'm curious what you mean by "work."

Does work mean that my kid goes to an Ivy League college?

It makes me curious about your definition of success because I would argue that my definition of success would be, for each kid, whatever their definition of success is.

Sarah of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting on context in natural learning

I love that so much. And I'm still giggling about your Friday night example, because that was classic.

Case in point about contextual and natural learning, I asked my seven-year-old daughter recently, "Hey, do you want to grab about a third of the pizza out of the fridge?"

I haven't taught her fractions, but she went and she figured out the pizza.

She realized, "Yeah, that's applicable to my life. I get to eat a third of a pizza right now." Fractions make sense in context.

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Rachel Rainbolt on what drives children to learn

Yes, and even as they get older that can include things like classes or more academic-type things. They're driven to do that because it's tied to a specific goal.

My teenager is very excited. She wants to be a lawyer and she's really excited to do this dual enrollment college program. So next fall, she'll start at the community college. 

She's taking an essay writing class through Brave writer. She's reverse engineered the skills that she wants to work on because it's connected to something meaningful that she wants for her life.

As they get older, even if things might look a little bit more academic or specific or focused, that's all unschooling. This is all self-driven based on what she wants for her life.

And that's a beautiful thing.

Watch Full Interview Here

Sarah of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting on following the child's passions

What a great example. Let me emphasize it for one more second for those who are reading or watching this. Your daughter 15 years old. She's ahead of her game academically if she's already looking at dual-credit scenarios, and that's from unschooling.

...

Rachel Rainbolt on her daughter's natural learning path

She took the entrance exams for that program when she was still 14 and she passed all of them.

So of course, yes, I believe al of my children are brilliant and wonderful, and they're totally normal children.

None of us would be categorized as having genius IQs. We're all totally normal. We have unschooled, and she passed all of those exams easily -- the same ones that all of her schooled peers are having to pass in order to get into this program.

Sarah of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting on natural learning for reading

We know that, naturally, reading can happen as young as three-ish, but it's also totally okay, in some scenarios, if a child doesn't learn to read until 10, 11, 12 -- that can still be totally within the realm of "normal." They can pick it up naturally without specific reading lessons. It's fascinating stuff.

But trusting in the kid's timeline is sometimes tricky.

Those of us who did grow up, you know, I called it a traditional brick-and-mortar school earlier, but that was really a misnomer because traditional school wasn't brick-and-mortar at all.

Traditional school was on the farm and it wasn't until 1918 that elementary school was even required in the United States.

This is all pretty new, relatively speaking.

Rachel Rainbolt on using interests as "doorways" 

Yes, and the man who passed that first compulsory education law homeschooled his own kids. Just to throw that out there!

My middle kid is passionate about sailing. It can be a doorway for accessing all of these other areas. Through that interest, he's doing all of these amazing things around the world, learning these amazing things, and whatever interest your kid has -- there's a doorway to get at all of other really important juicy life skill stuff through that interest

In terms of the reading thing you brought up, I just want to share a quick tip.

If you're struggling with the trust thing -- if you want more of something in  your family culture -- then embrace it for yourself.

So for example, if you want reading to be a more prominent part of your family culture, then read more books. Read aloud. Read books for pleasure in the middle of the house. While your kids are running around, you read. Have audiobooks playing when you're driving.

A lot of times, parents will come to me and say, "How do I get my kid to practice the piano? I want her playing piano every day."

I would say, "Well, it sounds to me like you want to play the piano, so you should play the piano." You turn a lot of this stuff back on yourself. If you're feeling like, "Oh, I want more of this," then do that for yourself.

And there's the role modeling piece. There's the home environment piece that you're bringing it into. There's the family culture piece and that's going to be a really powerful influence on the whole family system.

Related post: Child-Led Learning

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