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I recently had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, parenting expert and registered psychologist, about the topic of separation anxiety. In the first part of our interview, we discuss the independent child -- where true independence comes from and how we can best nurture it. 

Dr. Vanessa has been supporting families and children for more than fifteen years. She’s the author of Discipline without Damage: How to get your kids to behave without messing them up and Parenting Right From The Start: Laying a Healthy Foundation in the Baby and Toddler years (afflinks).

Make sure to watch the full interview about separation anxiety and the independent child here:

Watch Full Interview Here

Welcome to today’s segment on the independent child.

Hello there. I am Sarah with Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting, and today I am so excited to talk to my friend, who is -- I don't think it's too much of a stretch to say -- a golden goddess of good parenting.

I am such a fan of this lady and I want you to know her, too.

Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, thank you so much for talking with me today.

Dr. Vanessa Lapointe:

Thank you for having me on. This is a really, really cool thing to be doing with you.

Watch this segment of Dr. Vanessa Lapointe discussing the independent child here.

Sarah of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting: 

I'm so excited. Well, today's topic is separation anxiety in the context of healthy attachment and growing an independent child. 

Diving right into this topic, let's dispel one of the biggest myths that I have heard in all of my parenting circles, which is "An independent child should start showing this independence basically from the time we first hold them. A healthy baby, a healthy young child, is the one who doesn't really need his or her big person in their life all that much."

Can you talk a little bit about the validity of that and what healthy secure attachment actually is? 

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Dr. Vanessa Lapointe on raising an independent child:

Yeah. So, that idea of having an independent child -- that seems to mean you're winning, and you've nailed this parenting thing.

If your kid's independence comes from a surface look at who children are, and what it is that they need, and that surface look is that this kid is functioning independently, which then we say is functioning -- .well, that's really convenient.

It means I don't have to worry that they're not on track. I don't have to worry that I've done anything wrong. I just get to be like, "Cool. Look at my independent child."

The problem is that independence is not the natural state of the human child.

The human child is born into the world very deeply dependent -- so deeply dependent that from an intuitive space and place, they know from the moment they arrive and get their little eyes open for the first time, and they start blearily looking around (because they actually can't see very well), they know to find your eyes.

Because they know already, from moments old, you are their best bet. And without you, they're hooped.

So kids know. They come out looking for us because they know that dependence is the natural stance of the human child. 

We have a really curious pop culture around parenting that has sprung up touting the virtues of the independent child because it's kind of convenient for the grown-ups, but it isn't actually the need of the child. 

And when we can allow our children to deeply depend on us, to really lean into the embrace of our care, literally and figuratively, then what happens is that -- out of the gift of deep dependence -- emerges true independence. - Dr. Vanessa Lapointe on the independent child

I have a child psychology clinic where I have about 10 colleagues that work with me. Our practice is full of 15-, 16-, 17-year-old young people whose parents come in and say all the time,"My kid doesn't care about school. I can't get them to care about it. My kid doesn't care about our family. My kid doesn't care about helping out. My kid doesn't care about following the rules." 

I always know beyond a shadow of a doubt that that apparent lack of caring began when the child was forced into independence before the heart and the soul of the child were actually developmentally ready for that.

And so when we give them the opportunity to lean in, then what happens, it's like this potentiality is building, building, building, building, building, and they emerge, right?

And we all know when it's going exquisitely well, you'll have a two-year-old in front of you and you'll go into you know, swoop and scoop them up and carry them somewhere and they will plant their hands on their hips and get really indignant with you and they'll say to you and their toddler big voice, "ME DO SELF!" 

And you're like, that's right. You're emerging. So that's what it is.

We want them to be deeply dependent because that's how you get to true independence. 

When you force the facade, the behavioral facade, of independence too early in life, you actually perpetually render the child immature. - Dr. Vanessa Lapointe on the independent child

Sarah of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting:

I love everything you just said because it goes directly against so many of the lies that we are told as parents. I know how many times I was told, "What are you doing picking up that baby? She needs to learn to self-soothe!" 

And lo and behold, we learned that developmentally, self-soothing is one of the biggest myths on the planet.

Dr. Vanessa Lapointe on the independent child:

That's right. Yeah.

Sarah of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting:

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I love the toddler reference you made because we do start to hear these big voices emerge in them. All of a sudden, there is that magical moment where they say or do something and it might not be "I'm ready for Grandma to take me off to the park without you, Mama or Daddy or whoever," but it might be, you know, "I am going to be the one to try to cut my own uncuttable peas on my plate." I am going to the death over these peas, and okay.

So I love that you referenced toddlers because that is oftentimes the first time we see the emergence of self.

Dr. Vanessa Lapointe on the independent child:

That's right.

And in the process of individuation, which is what we all want for our children, we just want to trust in nature's timeline, rather than the world's forced timeline.

And in that process of individuation, it's somewhere around 24 months of age where the human child realizes for the very first time that they are in fact a separate being from you. Up to that point, they think that you and them, as the primary attachment figure, are one in the same.

And so it also is at that point where you'll see the first spike in the general population of kids displaying this separation anxiety. And how brilliant is that? 

Might you be a little freaked out if like your entire time on this planet you actually thought you were one in the same as another person, and then you've realized you're not. You're like, "Hold on a second. I'm really struggling with this here."

It’s a beautiful thing for us to honor the truth of who our children are and to really come alongside child development rather than fight against it. - Dr. Vanessa Lapointe on the independent child

Sarah of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting:

Yeah, for sure. Let's talk a little bit about what we as parents and caregivers can do to let our children grow naturally, as you mentioned, and foster a sense of security, rather than separation anxiety and all of the ways that insecurity can manifest for the child who has been forced to do things independently too soon. What really grows an independent child?

Dr. Vanessa Lapointe on the independent child:

Yeah. I love this quote from Kitty France, which is, "You are not managing an inconvenience. You are raising a human being." 

It's the idea that we, as parents, are going to be swimming upstream a little

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bit because, even as you were alluding to earlier, we have a lot of voices in our ears, you know about how we're supposed to do this and there can be a lot of pressure.

I tell parents all the time -- listen, I was like a graduate student in the field of child development and psychology for 13 years and had a baby and had all those same voices in my ears, and actually questioned whether I was on the right path or not. 

I found it really challenging to hang on to my inner wisdom and all of my acquired knowledge about all of that because the pressure of swimming upstream is so significant.

So when we're working to come alongside children, especially children for whom there's maybe been a few bubbles along the way as far as allowing that deep lean in and the deep dependence, understand that first and foremost -- 

You are here in the service of your child. You are not here in the service of the world.  - Dr. Vanessa Lapointe on the independent child

And what a wonderful thing for your own growth as a human being, and for sure for the growth of your child, for you to step in to the greatness of who you are, and stand solid and certain not against the world, because if you go against the world, you will feel like you're drinking poison all the time.

So you step in not against the world, but rather, for your child; for yourself. And when you can really get that that's your job as a parent, to step in with swagger, with conviction, with power, with grace, and you determine the path that you shall chart for your child to be able to move through development without any unnecessary obstacles in the way.

And then you get busy with figuring out how you can fill up their connection cups, as sort of just a way of going about your regular day. 

And in the separations that cannot be avoided, how do you be with your child when you cannot be with your child? 

So it's about front loading and then also coming alongside our kids to be with them even while we're apart.

Sarah of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting

I love all of that. And what you just said, in a nutshell for me, is it's okay, we have permission to emotionally and physically show up for our children when they need us; we don't "make" the independent child by forcing it. 

This isn't some rule book that says you need to step away and let your kids figure it out because that's what independence comes from.

You have turned that around 180 degrees and you have said show up, be there, connect -- and that's part of that bucket filling process that enables the future separations, doesn't it?

Dr. Vanessa Lapointe on the independent child:

Yeah, and not only do we have permission, but we be writing our own rulebook.

Yes. Because I'll tell you what, I wrote a rule book for my first son, figuratively speaking, and it was a completely different rule book for my second son, because they're their own unique little people who needed very different environments and very different kinds of ways of going and being and doing. 

And so, it's sort of like, I always find I'm kind of stepping in with this like but it's kind of that like, "I'm going to tell you how this is going to go because I'm this child's mother or father and ain't nobody know my kid like I know my kid, so I'm going to let you know how this is going to go." 

It's that inner confidence that can be such a challenge.

Sarah of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting:

Yeah, absolutely. I love the idea of writing your own book. 

That really is such a different mindset from, "Hey, what do I do? Tell me world, tell me society," because society doesn't know your kid at all. You do.

Dr. Vanessa Lapointe on the independent child:

That's right. Love that.

*

You may also like this information-packed mini-course: Setting and Enforcing Healthy Boundaries with Kids

Make sure to watch the full interview about separation anxiety and the independent child here:

Watch Full Interview Here

In a recent interview, I spoke with Dr. Jamie Chaves and Dr. Ashley Taylor about their new book, The Why Behind Classroom Behaviors (afflink). In it, they share their wisdom about everything from the sticker chart to mirror neurons -- and guide teachers (and parents acting as teachers) toward the most beneficial learning environment for their students.

Below is an excerpt where we discuss the sticker chart, specifically. I encourage you to watch the full interview here:

Watch Full Interview Here

Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting on the sticker chart and classroom behavior:

Let's talk about behavior a little bit.

I grew up in the age of the sticker chart, gold stars, and those stoplight cards where if somebody wasn't behaving appropriately, they got a red light for

the why behind classroom behaviors
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the day. A certain number of red lights across the week meant you don't want to be that child at the end of the week.

Is this really the right way to be leading a classroom these days? If not, what is? 

Dr. Ashley Taylor on the sticker chart:

In the book, we focus a lot on reframing behavior plans and talking about the different types of sort of behavior modification.

We really don't recommend any sort of public shaming blaming or having other students see if a child is struggling. That's not an effective way to to teach and to support students

We do talk a little bit about how some students can -- I have worked with a lot of students who actually do respond well to earning rewards if it's done in the right way. But, that means that they already have to have a certain level of regulation and a certain skill set in order for that to be effective. 

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If they don't have that regulation and there are certain skills that they're still working on developing, then the behavior chart and the sticker chart and their rewards can actually do more harm than good.

We talk about an alternative to that. Piggybacking off of what Jamie was talking about with helping to identify the expectation gap is one way to reframe this. Really understanding and identifying what are the expectations of the classroom? 

INTERVIEW EXCERPT
To see full interview click the orange button.
Dr. Jamie Chaves discusses the expectation gap
 

Watch Full Interview Here

The gap between the child’s abilities and the expectations in the classroom is likely what's causing the behavioral problems that we're seeing. 

So, we want to support the student and the teacher in being able to close that gap. The end goal is not necessarily to change the destination, right? You still want the child to be able to meet their goals. 

So we're still going to have the expectations. We're just going to lower them and build the child's skills so that they can build the skills and in a space that feels safe and they can feel successful. 

Then, as time goes on in their building the skills, you can increase the expectations.

That's that scaffolding that we've been talking about that looks at both of those pieces that can really help the success of both the student and the teacher. You don't need any sort of rewards [or sticker chart] for that.

...Often the kids who are showing disruptive behaviors are the ones who are identified, but there are also students who withdraw or shut down or look bored or tired or sad, and those are also the students who are needing support they're not in a state of regulation.

So it's important to identify those students, and help support them. Realizing what are their expectations and what are their skills [is critical] because they are going into what we call the blue zone. 

They're dropping their state of arousal and that's a way of communicating, “This is really hard and I'm shutting myself down.”

With typical behavior plans [and a sticker chart], if you are just targeting that behavior, you're also eliminating the form of communication between you and the child. If you're telling the child, “Don't communicate with me through your body or nonverbal cues,” or whatever language they're able to give you in that moment, that's not a part of a relationship. 

And then you're left with nothing; and then you don't know what's going on because you told them that you can't do these things to communicate with me.

Otherwise, I'm going to move you on your sticker chart and then you're both like, "Well, now what’s left?"

So we really do want to start with understanding the “why” behind these behaviors so that we can support them from the bottom up.

Sarah of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting:

That makes so much sense.

It really seems like so many of these behavior cards and the sticker chart, as you mentioned, are the antithesis of co-regulation.

It's "Here's my quick fix and now I'm done," and we want to empower teachers to really have that relationship that you just described where we teach through connection. We empower through connection, and we guide children to be intrinsically motivated to succeed, rather than wondering how many gold stars they can have lined up on the wall by the end of the year.

It's not about the gold star count.

It's about what they have actually learned, not only academically, but also about themselves, so that we can grow from a social-emotional perspective and be all the more prepared for class next year -- as a brighter, stronger, emotionally healthier, and more whole student than when they were younger.

*

If you're homeschooling, check out this short but information-packed course about how to make it easier this year (for you AND your child). 

I recently spoke with Bethany Saltman about her book, Strange Situation: A Mother's Journey into the Science of Attachment. She covered so many facets of this tricky, wonderful, complicated, perfect topic of attachment that it’s impossible to fit it into a single blog post (or even a single discussion with her, for that matter).

So, I’ve taken the wisdom Bethany Saltman offers and pieced it into a bit of a puzzle, pulling out parts that resonated strongly with me. 

Unlike a puzzle that’s hard to solve, though, attachment shows us how we naturally fit together when we allow ourselves to experience vulnerability, connection, and most of all, delight.

Make sure to watch the full interview for details.

Watch Full Interview Here

In the meantime, here are some important things to think about. I’m bringing you into the middle of our interview where we were discussing patterns of attachment. We discussed patterns we learned in our own upbringing as well as the parts of those patterns that we’d like to redirect, or perhaps redo entirely, with our own families.

Bethany Saltman, author of Strange Situation, on considering our own childhood and how our thoughts about it affect us now:

“You may be thinking about your childhood a lot and have a lot of feelings about your childhood -- but so much so that you get a little bit clogged around that. So, any little bit that we can do to try to thread some story into our lives, and to try to value attachment and to feel that valuing inside, will help us become more secure.”

Sarah of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting about intergenerational patterns:

Let's think about that in terms of some of the stories that we tell ourselves as mothers in particular, especially If we were raised in a home where maybe we didn't feel that we mattered much, or we didn't feel we had a voice. Many of us were raised to be seen but not heard.

And now, we have a child of our own. We know what didn’t feel good to us when we were growing up. We want something different; something better for our children.

How can we use this information that we have about our past and morph it into something that's going to  put us into into a place where we can show up for our child, where we can be present, where we can break some of the habits that might have been going on for generations?

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Bethany Saltman, author of Strange Situation, on breaking intergenerational patterns:

Here's the thing.

This is the answer nobody likes. You can't. By trying really hard to move in another direction, it ends up often -- it's like the same pot of stew just slightly different flavor.

And because we're still fixated on one thing, [we’re stuck there].  My mom, for instance, was an obsessive cleaner. Clean, clean, clean. I always felt like, “Gosh, why are you more interested in the house than you are me?”

strange situation bethany saltman
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And if I try really hard to not do that with Azalea [my daughter], I'm going to become so obsessed with the filth of my house. I am going to be more fixated on that than I would be if

I'm just myself, who happens to be someone who has to clean a lot.

So, a lot of times when we try to do those corrective measures, we're fighting ourselves.

I think the better answer is to really become curious about that and to bring some light and some awareness into that pattern; into that habit; because we're not so easily deterred from the things we really want.

Especially these days with COVID, I'm [easily annoyed by the mess] and it's hard because we're all living in the house together.

And yes, I can certainly work on my delivery. I can you know work on recognizing that Azalea's 14. She's in a brainstorm, to use Dan Siegel's term.

Dr. Daniel Siegel discusses the teenage brain

Her executive functioning is not at its finest right now. So, I can educate myself and have some compassion, but I'm not going to change who I am -- which is someone who has to have some order or else I'm going to go insane.

It’s better to know ourselves more and, like I said, inject more awareness into who we are. Trying to change ourselves -- it doesn't go very well.

Sarah of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting:

I love the stew analogy because you know, let's face it. Like you said, we're all basically making the same pot of stew generation after generation. But it maybe, let's say -- I love analogies and metaphors so bear with me here -- we can make a stew and say, "Yup, basic ingredients are pretty much the same as they always have been, but today I'm going to try it without carrots."

Bethany Saltman, author of Strange Situation:

Exactly!

Bethany Saltman, author of Strange Situation, discusses attachment.

Sarah of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting:

All of these other familiar ingredients are still in there. I can't pretend that I get to toss the whole thing out today, but I can make it without carrots.

And maybe for me, in this moment, carrots might be when I go downstairs after this interview, I am going to expect -- rather than go down and think, "What happened to my clean house?"

Instead, I can think, “I'm going to go downstairs and expect it's going to be messy. How can I prepare myself for that so I can be peaceful around it?”

Bethany Saltman, author of Strange Situation:

Exactly. Instead of trying to become a different person between now and then, accept that you want the house to be clean, and it's probably going to be a mess.

...

Bethany Saltman, author of Strange Situation, cont.

...If you're really worried about creating an environment where your child can have an optimal experience and be securely attached, then you'd do well to put all that aside and take care of yourself.

Be the kind of loving person that can pay attention to another human being -- your baby, your child, your teenager.

The way that we do that is we learn to tolerate our own feelings in the presence of another. That's where attachment lives. It has nothing to do with what we do. It has everything to do with how we feel. It's a state of mind. It's not an activity.

Watch Full Interview Here

Want more interviews like Bethany Saltman and Strange Situation? You can find them here

Amazon Review for Strange Situation: A Mother's Journey Into the Science of Attachment

"Bethany Saltman's Strange Situation: A Mother's Journey into the Science of Attachment is enlightening on every level. The scientist in me was fascinated by the research she shared; intellectually, it was everything I craved. My tender mama-heart responded to her vulnerability and honesty, drawing me into her story. Very well done."

 

 

In this interview excerpt, Sarah at Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting discusses with Dr. Laura Markham of Aha! Parenting how to raise peaceful siblings and avoid the comparison trap.

If you'd like to see the full interview, which covers the lifespan of nurturing the sibling bond from pre-birth through adolescence, you can view it here.

Watch Full Interview Here

Raising Peaceful Siblings

Hello!

I'm Sarah from Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting,

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and today I'm speaking with Dr. Laura Markham of Aha! Parenting about raising peaceful siblings; ones for whom conflict is low and affection is high. Dr. Markham is the best-selling author of three books, including "Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids" and its associated workbook, and our topic for today, "Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings," which I absolutely love when it comes to the relationship that we're trying to foster among the children in our homes.

Let's talk about raising peaceful siblings now that our kids are a little older. We realize they really have some big personality differences.

How can we as parents avoid getting into the trap of "labeling" kids based on our perceptions of them -- the shy one, the brave one, the smart one, whatever? It would be hard to raise peaceful siblings if the kids feel pigeonholed. 

Avoiding Labels to Raise Peaceful Siblings

Well, I think when you said our perceptions, you're correct.

It really starts with our perceptions because whatever we perceive and conclude as our belief system, will eventually come out of our mouths, right? And they will get that.

Even if you have only one child, I think you'd want to avoid labeling them. I don't think you'd want them to think, "Oh, I'm shy," whether it's one child or three and they're the shy one, right?

We don't need to be doing that labeling. But we know that even though we have opinions about our one child, it's tougher when there are two in stark contrast, as they always are. There is a contrast even if they're identical twins. We'll be like, well, they're identical twins, but she's the feisty one or whatever, right?

We're always going to be comparing. That's a natural thing to do as a parent. So, I think it's important to remind ourselves, 'This is a whole child...' - Dr. Laura Markham on raising peaceful siblings

So I think it's important to remind ourselves, "This is a whole child. This is the whole human being and yes, she's different than her sister in this way. She's doesn't walk into a room and immediately start discussion with a stranger. She hangs back and watches to see what's safe. And she has other things that she does where she may be watchful and considering and observant, right? So it's not just that one.

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You wouldn't say "shy." You would say, "Oh, hmm. This one -- this one really pays attention to her environment." So now you've just reframed it into something positive. But you're not going to then turn to the other and say, "Oh, she just goes in and runs roughshod over everything," right? You're going to try to see who they are in their wholeness. And appreciate that.

A weakness is generally the flip side of a strength. If you've got a kid who's stubborn as all get-out, that's a strong-willed child. They're not easily influenced by their peers. That's a good thing. You you can always reframe the negative to see the positive, because it, in fact, is always the same. It's a flip side of the same trait. - Dr. Laura Markham on raising peaceful siblings

If we see the whole child, we're less likely to think of it as negative. That would be the important first step for the parent.

Related mini-course: 5 Ways to Make Your Home More Peaceful

The second step is, sure your kids are different, but it's the whole child that's different. We're not just deciding this one trait is the thing we're looking at, right? I would actually step back from that contrast and just, if it's something you're unhappy about, just focus on that child -- that one child with whom you're unhappy.

In the full interview, Dr. Laura Markham discusses raising peaceful siblings from birth through adolescence.
Watch Full Interview Here

You don't say to your child, "Why can't you play your piano without a fuss when it's time for piano practice, the way your sister does? You know, the five year old sits down and practices the piano, but you're seven and you won't do it?"

No. In fact, what you say is, "I love the joy you take in the piano. I really want to hear. Let's do it." It's irrelevant what the seven-year-old does. You're just focused on the five year old.

Learn more about raising peaceful siblings, and many other topics that grow healthy homes, in Dr. Laura Markham's online course

Then when the seven-year-old is like, "No, I don't want to practice," what you say is "Hmm. You really don't want to practice today. Sometimes you really don't want to practice at all, do you? You know what -- you do need to practice because the teacher is expecting you to practice, but let's talk about how to make it work for you. What would make it work? Would it help if Ipeaceful parent happy siblings sat next to you? Would it help if you lined up all of your stuffed animals on the top of the piano and they all watch you? Do you want to make a recording that we can send to Grandma while you're playing?"

You know, you can come up with all kinds of brainstorming. That was just off the top of my head. I'm sure every parent  here could brainstorm with their child and come up with ideas.

But the point is, notice what I didn't say: "Why don't you do what your sister does," right?

I think it's really important here that we just remember that anything we're addressing is about that child. It's not about any other child.

If it's something negative, keep it to that child. I'm going to add if it's something positive, keep it to that child.

So the five-year-old is practicing her piano. You don't want to say to that five-year-old, or whatever child's doing the thing you want, 'Boy, I wish your sister would practice like you do with no fuss,' because what is that doing is putting your five-year-old, or your your 'good' child, into a very awkward position. In order to maintain their place in your estimation, they have to remain the good child, and their sibling has to remain the 'bad' child. - Dr. Laura Markham on raising peaceful siblings

Now, suddenly, they've been set up with a vested interest in undermining their sibling, and they feel guilty, also, that they just happen to love piano. They know they're not a perfect kid, right?

There are so many feelings you just created that are negative for the sibling relationship by comparing.

So when you find yourself doing it, bite your tongue. You don't ever need to compare. It always gets in the way of the sibling relationship. - Dr. Laura Markham on raising peaceful siblings 

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Sarah of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting

I love how real you've just made this, because you said "when you find yourself comparing." It's human nature. We are designed to notice differences from one tree to the next, much less between or among children.

It seems the key to raising peaceful siblings is in our part that we own as parents, and how we manage the relationships around us, and the words we use in those various situations.

Stay tuned for the next section of the interview, where Dr. Laura Markham talks more about peaceful siblings as the children get older.

Watch Full Interview Here

In the meantime, make sure to check out our short but information-packed parenting courses.


Dr. Laura Markham is the founder of AhaParenting.com and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings and her latest book, the Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids Workbook.

The Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) may be relatively new as a namesake, but it's certainly not new as many people's reality. Some of us are just wired differently than others, be it from nature or nurture (although in this case, science argues for both).

With our sensitive wiring in mind, those of us who become parents need to learn parenting strategies that are not only effective, but also keep us from feeling overwhelmed by our children--the very people whose care has been entrusted to us.

Personally, I know the HSP life well. I'm the daughter of a highly sensitive person. I, myself, am an HSP. And now, I have little one of my own. I write this based on years of research as well as from my own experience. In other words, I "get it."

My hope is that my research will help the HSP parent find greater peace in their parenting strategies.

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An HSP Parent Feels Things Differently

In short, MRIs show that the HSP has a nervous system that works differently than that of the other 75 to 80 percent of the population. However, HSP traits don't necessarily manifest the same across the remaining 15 to 20 percent of the population that we comprise.

What science does demonstrate across the board for the HSP, however, is that our MRIs show distinctly different areas of brain activity versus non-HSPs in response to the same stimuli. Specifically, the MRIs show "stronger activation of brain regions involved in awareness, empathy, and self-other processing" (source).

As a result, HSPs can experience the same events entirely differently from non-HSPs. And empathic HSPs take their innate sensitivity a notch farther.

That said, there are a couple of concepts worth noting before addressing parenting strategies: "Highly sensitive people are typically introverts, while empaths can be introverts or extroverts (although most are introverts). Empaths share a highly sensitive person's love of nature and quiet environments, their desire to help others, and their rich inner life." (source)

We can use what we know to our advantage.

Parenting Strategies for the HSP Parent

While mainstream parenting is, well, mainstream, we simply aren't. Therefore, we can't expect that standard parenting strategies would work well for us. If we try to fit into a certain "box" that doesn't reflect our sensitive nature, parenting might feel harder than it has to be.

Some of these ideas can lighten your load.

1. Be gentle with your children -- and with yourself.

Many of us have what feels like a whole lot of extra neurons dedicated to empathy. And HSPs, following a standard rote of discipline that leaves us feeling disconnected from our children simply isn't a good fit.

Parent gently. This includes "parenting" yourself, too. Be kind to yourself and keep your inner (and outer) voice in check.

reading people
This book has a wonderful and comprehensive chapter about the HSP personality type. (Afflinks. As an Amazon associate, we earn from qualifying purchases. Your purchases help us support important charities.)

If HSP parents treat our children harshly, many of us will internalize the punishment and feel it ourselves on some level. If our parents were harsh with us or ignored our big feelings and we have emotional memories of that, we'll feel those feelings all over again as we administer them in our own homes. That doesn't feel good.

Of course, children do need loving limits. With practice, we can hold those loving limits compassionately with our children while also healing your own inner child.

If you're new to gentle parenting or want to learn about it in ways that support the information in the books, many positive parenting groups exist to support you. Support from likeminded parents can help you navigate to a gentler way of being.

Release the pressure to discipline the way our parents did, or our peers did, or the way some outdated parenting book said we should.

Trust your sensitivity to be your ally and your guide.

2. Bank the time that you can't "take care of yourself first"--and find creative ways to weave self-care into your routines.

We all know we can't pour from an empty cup. We'd like to be able to take care of ourselves first. However, some HSPs find it challenging to find parenting strategies that balance self-care and our tendency to put others first.

For me, taking care of myself first just wasn't always my reality. When my child was very little, I couldn't just let her cry and "figure it out," no matter how exhausted I was. Despite the well-meaning (albeit unsolicited) advice from others, I let my heart lead my parenting.

I'd felt better if I'd parented lovingly and while being emotionally present for my child day and night.

Does that mean that I just abandoned my needs, though? Absolutely not. Something that worked really well for my family included reducing screen time and replacing it with story time. We also instituted screen-free days with unexpectedly positive results. That wouldn't work for everyone, of course, but I knew I needed my quiet time to recharge.

So, I created the best of both worlds: quiet and clutter-free areas around the house where I could go to read with (or near) her while still staying emotionally present.

I also made mornings our standard time to get out of the house. That way, I knew I could come home and everything would be quieter from that point forward in our day. Afternoons became a predictably sacred space for us.

"Home days" earned just as much priority as other appointments. I consciously worked to find the patience for positive parenting, knowing that practice would make our inner lives more peaceful. If I couldn't "go" to self-care, I brought peace to meet me where I was.

3. Ground yourself in who you were before kids.

Many HSPs grew up keenly aware of their sensitivities to sounds, bright lights, and overly gregarious people. Whatever external stimuli triggered you before having kids, they're likely still there, along with the responsibility to raise children despite them. And in many cases, kids are all the noise, lights, and excitement wrapped up into little human-sized packages of energy. That's standard child behavior.

That said, this is in no way a knock on children. They're perfectly good at being exactly who they were designed to be, lights and all. Life moves on, as they say, but becoming a parent doesn't mean you're not yourself anymore. Suddenly, you're responsible for raising a human who might challenge all of your HSP-ness.

Remember how you grounded yourself before you had children. What's something you haven't done in so long that you've nearly forgotten about it, but that helped you find peace?

Consider journaling as a way to reconnect with yourself. It's proven to be a solid and reliable way to express

HSP journal
Journaling can be helpful.

our own big feelings and working through them peacefully (source).

4. Connect outside the home--and inside it, too.

If you have an understanding partner, share your heart with them. A friend or a counselor can be a wonderful resource for an HSP, as well.

If you don't have a good circle of friends, create your community -- start somewhere. If you lack childcare or the desire to leave the house, connecting virtually can still lift you up. A video or phone chat with a faraway friend does wonders for refueling the emotional tank.

Within certain parameters, even social media can offer some benefits specifically for introverts, including the HSP. Connecting with other adults is easy to overlook because many don't consider it a "parenting strategy." However, connection is critical to our emotional wellbeing.

Connection, in turn, contributes to the emotional fuel we have on reserve for the challenging parenting days---and for all of the regular days, too. If social media starts to creep in too intrusively and negatively affect your relationships, however, know that there are many things you can do to keep your screen time in check.

Finally, not all connection needs to be with people. Connect spiritually. Connect with nature, too -- science shows how beneficial it can be for grounding ourselves (source).

The HSP Parent Can Be a Highly Attuned and Compassionate Caregiver

Rather than trying to fit into a mainstream mould that wasn't built for us in the first place, we get to create our own parenting strategies that honor who we are. We can create an approach that leaves us feeling encouraged and connected, even despite all the ways that parenting stretches us and pushes our boundaries.

With the natural bigheartedness of HSPs, our children will fare better when we embrace that which comes naturally to us. There's always room for more compassion in the world.

Further Resources for HSP Parents

There are a few really detailed and exceptionally good books to study, such as The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron, PhD, and Reading People by Anne Bogel (the latter is only a chapter, but it's entirely relevant). I HSP bookrecommend them to HSPs who want to understand themselves better. They're also beneficial to non-HSPs who want to understand us better.

You can watch a movie about highly sensitive people. You can even take a online quizzes to gauge whether you're a likely an HSP. If you've read this far, though, you probably already know the answer.

I didn't need a quiz or an HSP "label" to understand my own wiring, but it didn't hurt to know what to call it so that I could research beneficial parenting strategies more effectively.

With or without a quiz, if you understand yourself to be an HSP and want parenting strategies that support you, check back here for more resources soon -- including an online session dedicated to parenting a highly sensitive child.

I recently interviewed Victor Pacini, founder of Childhood Victories, Inc., about childhood sexual abuse, discussing among other things, safe touch versus unsafe touch for children. He's an expert in his field, having turned his own story of sexual abuse into one of hope and encouragement for children across the United States.

However, his message is universal. Children's safety should know no boundaries.

Here's a transcript of our interview.

Sarah of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting:

Tell me a little about who you are and the work you do.

Victor Pacini:

I've been presenting in schools for close to 20 years, doing programs and creating curriculum. My original work was focused on helping children create goals; they were primarily motivational

victor pacini safe touch
Victor Pacini

assemblies. I write songs that reinforce the messages. Music is universal and powerful, and it helps me connect with the kids.

As years passed, in 2013, a law was passed in Illinois called Erin's Law. Erin had been abused repeatedly as a little girl. She grew up and got her degree in social work. As she was working in schools, she realized they had fire drills, tornado drills and whatnot, but schools didn't have anything to teach kids about safe touch versus unsafe touch.

So, she went to work and got a law passed that, as a yearly mandate, kids need to learn safe touch and how to stay safe from sexual abuse. It's for all public school children in pre-K through 12th grade.

Sarah:

How did Erin's Law affect your work?

Victor Pacini:

I got wind of her work. Now, I'd always told a little bit about my own story during my assemblies, but I didn't share much because it wasn't considered "appropriate." This kind of opened a door for me. I didn't want to just tell my story, though -- I want to teach kids they have a voice so they can do something about it if they need help.

As a result, I created a curriculum called Be Seen and Heard© that really took the basic concepts of the law and brought it down to a simple level. I sat down with the law and created curriculum that would be appropriate for each grade level. The message has to be right for each age; you can't talk to a little kid the same way you would an older one.

safe touch victor pacini
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Sarah:

Tell me more about your personal experience.

Victor Pacini:

I'm a survivor of sexual abuse. It happened during my performance days when I was around a lot of interesting people. Back then, no one really asked a lot of questions. My parents were very trusting. It was a friend of the family's son who abused me. He was about eight years older than I was. When it was happening, I knew it was very wrong.

People always ask why I didn't stop it.

It's because I was frozen.

After it was over, I remember running to the bathroom and crying and saying, "I want to go home now."

Fortunately for me, it was just a single time. It was a family friend who we weren't close to. My parents didn't force me to see them again.

Sarah:

Some kids keep encountering their abuser, while for others, it's a one-time incident.

Victor Pacini:

Right. There are two ways of being victimized: either by someone the child sees only once, it happens, and it's over. Other times, it happens over and over again, and every time the child sees them -- at gatherings or whatever -- it's really triggering for them.

For me, my one-time incident was the beginning of 11 years of complete silence for me.

Sarah:

What about your family?

Victor Pacini:

I came from a family where I was told I should be seen and not heard. That's where I get the name of my program -- Be Seen and Heard©. I had a close family, but my father was a very violent alcoholic. We had a family where we don't talk about our issues; we sweep everything under the carpet.

If we couldn't even talk about my dad, how could I talk about my abuse?

Now, when I'm telling my story, I realize I could be speaking to some eight-year-old child like I was, who's out there in the audience. Maybe that child has been told not to say anything.

The boy who abused me threatened me, as is common. He didn't have to do much. All he had to say is that if my parents found out, they'd be very disappointed in me.

So, I said nothing. I didn't want my parents to be mad at me.

Sarah:

What happened from there?

Victor Pacini:

As you know, we never had programs like Be Seen and Heard© at school when I was growing up. No one told us it was okay to talk about these things.

While I was growing up, there were times when I was fine. I was a pretty happy kid. But then, something would trigger me and -- for me, it was every Christmas -- because it had happened around Christmastime. It was probably anxiety. I'd get asthma, and I still get asthma attacks now.

Then, I'd be in high school and someone would mention deviant behavior and I'd get triggered again. You don't know what's going to do it.

So, I kept it quiet until I was 19 and had the courage to tell someone. I was away from college and alone a lot.

I got to the point where I was done letting this define who I was. I didn't want to live in the pain anymore. I realized there was more to my life than feeling sad about this.

I did finally tell someone about it. I couldn't use the words "sexual abuse," though, because I was too ashamed. I found a free counseling office. The counselor helped me so much.

That's where my writing started. Lyrics; poems that turned into songs. From that perspective, everything started to change for me.

Related post:

Bodily Autonomy vs. Non-Negotiable Tasks for Kids: 7 Important Things You Can Do

Sarah:

You're an incredible example of someone who turns something terrible into something good to help others. So many people in the world will get stuck in that grief pattern and don't find their way out of it. But as you've proven, there IS healing. There IS hope. There IS a future beyond the event.

Victor Pacini:

For me, healing was a four-step process. 1) I made a decision to get help. 2) I decided to take ownership -- not to blame myself because it's not my fault that I was abused -- but to decide that I wanted to move past it.

He abused my body, but I refuse to let him abuse my life.

safe touch it's my body book
Wonderful book for teaching children about safe touch and setting boundaries. (afflink)

Let's break that down. Abused my body -- that's past tense. I can't change that. I can't go back. As sad as that is, it's HIS. It's done. My life is now; it's tomorrow. He'll never abuse my life again.

From there, 3) I find the opportunity to move on. Then 4) Create. Songs, curriculum, anything at all -- move past it with something positive.

Sarah:

What should a parent say to a child if they're concerned something's happened?

Victor Pacini:

If a child sees a program like mine and then goes home and isn't willing to talk about it -- that can be (but isn't always) a red flag. Look for things like are they not wanting to be around a certain individual in the family. Even if they're long-distance, maybe they just don't want to have a video call with that person. Watch to see if they're avoiding someone.

If they're really young and modeling and saying things from a sexual perspective -- you know if they're modeling, it's something to investigate. They're getting it from someone. It's beyond the Internet or TV -- someone is showing them something they shouldn't be seeing.

If their mood changes -- or not eating -- those are things to watch out for if they've been what I call "inappropriately touched" (for a younger child) or "sexually abused" (for fifth grade and above). Yes, they'll be uncomfortable when you bring it up, but if they're really not open to talking, it might mean there's some sort of shame there.

If there is shame there, it might come from a place of not wanting to disappoint their parents. It's something to investigate.

Sarah:

What can parents do to encourage their kids to be open with them? How can they feel emotionally safe enough to speak freely, and to learn about safe touch versus unsafe touch?

Victor Pacini:

I have three children and have been doing this program since 2014. For me, I always started conversations with my kids while they were in the bath. I'd tell them this important thing: "No one victor pacini safe touchtouches your private body parts unless it's to help keep you clean and healthy." I'd repeat that with them at night before they go to bed. Clean means mommy or daddy giving them a bath. Healthy means the doctor giving them a physical.

I'm not a perfect parent, but I've learned that littler kids will talk to a parent if they feel safe to do so. Older kids are more likely to go to a friend. But I don't care who they talk to -- what matters is that they talk to someone they trust. I call those people trusted heroes, trusted adults, and trusted friends.

Have open communication with your child. The schools also need to be having these conversations.

Sarah:

Exactly. Something I've also found that's particularly helpful is using books as tools to teach about safe touch versus unsafe touch. When my child was about two, we discovered It's My Body -- kind of an odd book in some ways, but it opened the door to discuss safe touch and unsafe touch (afflink). Do you have other resources like this that might help?

Victor Pacini:

When I'm doing a parent night, I walk the parents through the program in its entirety. We discuss safe touch versus unsafe touch from the child's perspective. A child might say, "Touching fire is an unsafe touch." That's a different way of thinking than an adult thinks about safe touch.

I have a book I wrote called Be Seen and Heard. It's a very simple book about how a little boy and a little girl are keeping a secret. They were touched inappropriately.

I told a dad at one of my sessions that he could use the book as a follow-up. It doesn't have to be an uncomfortable discussion. It can be a discussion about safe touch -- "How does safe touch make you feel? Good? That's awesome. What might some examples of safe touch be? A hug? A high five? Great! Let's talk about unsafe touch, too." And then the parent can get into that at an age-appropriate level.

I always tell parents to reinforce it during bath time, but it could be anywhere.

Sarah:

And this should go without saying, but parents should be using correct anatomical names for body parts starting at birth, yes?

Victor Pacini:

I don't use the terms in school -- I talk about "private body parts." I created this from a very conservative perspective. By the time I'm talking about private body parts in their kindergarten, they should know what they are. It's their parents' jobs to teach them that.

Also, do not talk to kids about "good touch" versus "bad touch." Here's why.

If a child is sexually abused, they learn it as a bad touch. But as they get older and they're supposed to be in an appropriate mature relationship, then they same type of touch has a negative connotation for them. That's why we call it "safe touch" and "unsafe touch" instead of "good" and "bad."

Sarah:

What's normal "curious" play among children versus what's a red flag / warning sign?

Victor Pacini:

Kids model what they know. They have some conversations with their parents -- the more open you can be, the better in the long run. If a child has a similar conversation with a friend, however, not all of it might be appropriate. It's important for kids to know what's acceptable to talk about with parents versus what not to say outside the home. Be aware of how others are taking your queues.

Conversations between kids are usually okay and part of normal development. It depends.

Experimenting -- getting more physical, however -- I question where they're getting that. They're getting it somewhere. No young child knows some of those things without being shown by someone.

safe touch victor pacini
Click to watch Sarah's video interview with Victor Pacini about safe touch and sexual safety for kids.

Sarah:

If we find out something's happened or if a child has been experimenting in curious ways with others' bodies -- or others have been with theirs -- what should we do?

Victor Pacini:

Have a conversation with the family. Depending on their age, the conversation might be different. But adult-to-adult conversation will be very important to learn where it's coming from.

Sarah:

What should a parent do if he or she finds out their child has been sexually abused?

Victor Pacini:

The social worker at the school should be involved. They'll know what to do. They're very powerful in this area. Child Protective Services can also be involved.

By law in Illinois, where I am, the person who first hears about the sexual abuse needs to be the one who speaks directly to law enforcement. They don't want the message to be diluted.

If the child tells a social worker, teacher, or another safe person at school that sexual abuse has happened at home, that child should not go home that evening for his or her safety.

A therapist is a wonderful idea. I'd bring in a psychologist or social worker at the school. There are steps to be followed.

Some parents don't want others to know -- they want to keep the information in the family. However, the goal is to keep the child safe. The child will need access to resources like therapy and the parent should not handle all of that alone.

Sarah:

Right now, though, we don't have school in the usual sense. With 20% of abusers being fathers, for example, if something's happening at home and all of a sudden the other parent becomes privy to the knowledge of abuse, what should the parent do?

Victor Pacini:

It's criminal. And it needs to be treated as such. Unfortunately, a lot of parents, for a lot of reasons, have trouble leaving relationships with abusers. They often think things are going to get better.

Before they do anything else, though, they should get the child out of that environment. And then they should report it. And the adult should get the help that they need, too.

Sarah:

What helps a child heal from abuse?

Victor Pacini:

The recovery definitely takes time. The child needs to be surrounded by people who love them. For me, I jumped into taking care of myself. Creating my artwork; my music; taking care of my body. I knew I had a safe place to go.

The child needs to know they're an amazing human being that has so much potential; they're not what happened to them. They matter. They're important.

Sarah:

Talk to me about therapy for kids. Is there ever a time a child wouldn't benefit from therapy?

Victor Pacini:

I'm not one to say there's only one answer, but I don't think just by telling my family, it'd have been enough. For me, I don't know that I'd have made it past this without having gone through counseling. I'm a firm believer in talking and sharing with someone who really understands; a neutral party who will have an open mind.

One strategy that can help is to write a letter to the person. They won't actually receive the letter, but writing helps process the feelings and can he part of the healing.

I've learned that we can create the meaning out of any situation. It's not the event that affects us so much -- it's the meaning we put behind it. It all starts with the decision that we don't want this pain to affect us anymore. They can move past it.

Ultimately, my goal is that kids who get the information early enough won't ever find themselves in this situation. We need to prevent this kind of thing from happening. That's the goal. If the conversation has happened, it makes it a lot harder for the abusers to do what they do.

Answer below in the comments: how have you discussed safe touch versus unsafe touch with your children?


Sarah R. Moore is an internationally published writer and the founder of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting. You can follow her on FacebookPinterest, and Instagram. She’s currently worldschooling her family. Her glass is half full.

Bodily autonomy (the concept of being in charge of one's own body), related to consent (choosing to say yes or no to any activity), can be a tricky topic for parents. We want our children to have healthy boundaries for their physical, emotional, and sexual safety. At the same time, we're their parents, and we have a responsibility to take care of them. What happens when our children say "no" to the care we're trying to provide? They have to brush their teeth, right?

These suggestions can help you foster an environment of cooperation and mutual respect -- while giving them an important sense of bodily autonomy.

sex ed books for kids
This book spells out some basic sex ed topics for children so you can start the discussion about bodily autonomy.

Examine whether your “non-negotiable” tasks are actually negotiable.

It's often helpful to investigate our motivation for the Things-We-Feel-Must-Happen. Sure, if you know that

your children played in the dirt today, you might feel grossed out if they refuse their nightly bath. However, there’s likely little risk that skipping the bath for a night (or more) will do any real harm. In fact, a little dirt might be good for their health.

It might feel mandatory because it’s what your routine has always been. Shifting routines can be jarring. Once you question your thinking, however, you might find more flexibility in whatever the issue seems to be.

If it’s not really mandatory, let it go.

bodily autonomy
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Know which tasks aren’t optional, and don’t present them as if they are.

For mandatory activities that affect bodily autonomy, we sometimes apply the “ask for your children’s consent” approach too liberally. If an activity related to bodily care isn’t optional, don’t present it as such.

You might ask, for example, “Can we brush your teeth?” If you say that, you're setting yourself up for a no-win situation if your child declines. Either you end up needing to force the action (that’s not consent or bodily autonomy — forced compliance sends the wrong message) or you agree with their “no” and give your child an unhealthy amount of power.

Offering choices about caring for the body can help. You could say something like, “Would you like to brush

girls swimsuit
Our favorite swimsuit to date. No burns for my fair-skinned child and no need to apply sunscreen underneath the covered areas.

your teeth before or after story time?” It needs to happen, but there’s flexibility in when it happens.

Alternatively, you could let your child know when it’s almost time (a few minutes to mentally prepare is helpful). For children who are too young to have a good sense of "minutes," frame it in understandable terms, such as, "After the amount of time it would take to watch one cartoon, we'll brush your teeth." Then, proceed confidently and peacefully. Your vibe will set the stage for how your child responds.

Have a consistent routine and an "after" plan for these non-negotiable tasks.

It lessens children's anxiety towards the dreaded activity if they know when to expect it. "Every day after breakfast, we brush, then we play." It's also helpful to have a consistently positive "after" plan (such as the "then we play" here) sorted out so they don't fixate on the part they're dreading. Include them in deciding what to do afterwards. Joint decision making is part of bodily autonomy.

To foster bodily autonomy, try "I'll wait until you're ready."

“I’ll wait until you’re ready” is a powerful tool for consent. What might feel like no big deal to you might really be worrisome your child. If you see any sign of anxiety in your child's body (facial expressions, retreating, etc.), pause.

That doesn’t mean your child gets to go play for three hours while you wait with the toothbrush in hand; it means you patiently wait alongside your child wherever the event needs to happen. Trust that your child needs a moment to adjust to whatever is about to transpire.

If he or she wants to go do other things, you can lovingly and firmly say, “Your game happens next; it’s time to brush teeth first. I’ll sit here with you until you’re ready.” Then, as hard as it is, don’t pressure. Sometimes, we all just need a moment to get in the right mindset. Remember that you're united as a team here. Avoid power struggles.

Turn to playful parenting.

This is pretty much the golden approach to any tricky parenting situation, including bodily autonomy. Whenever you can, frame mandatory tasks fun and positive. Give your child the first turn at washing his or her face, turn the bath into a splash party (after all, water is just water, right?), and try whatever else you can to ease the tension. We adults are often far too serious! Play is magical.

Another helpful option is that “Whatever you do…” game. Here, you feign shock, horror, or disbelief as you tell your child, “We’re going to play an opposites game. I’m going to pretend I don’t want you to do something that I actually do want you to do. So…whatever you do, do NOT brush your teeth! Noooooo…not with toothpaste! Toothpaste is terrible!” Seeing a glimmer in your eye, your child will likely play along, happily “breaking the rules” of the horrible event you’ve jokingly forbidden.

Note that there’s a difference between tricking your child and playing together. Games like this generally work best for children who are old enough and whose sense of humor has developed. Be totally transparent about your agenda. We don't send a positive message about bodily autonomy if we trick someone into compliance. In a game like this, you're united in the goal while they still feel protected and "in charge" of their body.

Give your children plenty of practice asserting their bodily autonomy.

Oftentimes, children are more reluctant to cooperate if they feel they haven't had enough "say" in their day.

bodily autonomy
A helpful book for parents about how to foster (and discuss with children) bodily autonomy and safety.

Every child needs to feel he or she has a voice that matters; rights about his or her own body; control over their health (even if they don't frame it that way yet). They need us to include them in their care. Some ways to give your child opportunities for consent about their body include these:

Ask them overtly (with words) or silently through your body language, “Is it okay if I…

If they say "no," you simply don't do it. It also means that when kids they say things like this, you comply immediately unless it's a safety issue:

It also means that we don’t play games like “You must pay the ‘toll’ before you can leave my arms.” (“Payment” is usually a hug or a kiss, which is the antithesis to bodily autonomy.) No child should learn that forced physical act of affection (even in jest and not sexual) is “payment” for bodily freedom. We’re planting dangerous seeds when we do that. The principle of consent related to their body doesn't disappear during games, regardless who's playing it (parent, friend, or care giver). Children must feel secure and protected in our care. Play is how they learn. They're learning about bodily autonomy and human rights with every interaction.

By respecting their bodies now, they learn the important principle that their bodies are worth respecting. We're the ones who are modeling whether their "no" has a voice in the world.

Most importantly, figure out the root cause of your child’s hesitation to do whatever task feels daunting (or seemingly impossible).

Some truly non-negotiable tasks, such as making an important community event on time, might just need to happen. Support and validate your child’s feelings, assure him that you hear their position, and move forward.

Revisit the conversation when you're in a good place to debrief. Assure children that you're a united front; you're on their side. Your child's well being might take precedence over your punctuality. And sometimes, your child just needs you to listen without “solving” anything.

If you search your child’s heart with compassion, you’ll naturally align and connect about bodily autonomy / bodily consent and all sorts of other issues. From that alignment comes problem solving. For “easier” things like tooth brushing, you might learn that the water is usually too cold or too hot (or as one little boy I know complained, the water was “too wet”). I wish them well with that one. Many of what seem to be the biggest problems are easy to solve once you hear your child’s perspective. Only good things can come from understanding our children’s hearts.

With every interaction, you're setting the stage for their perceptions of bodily and human rights; teaching them their sexual and reproductive rights, and laying the foundation for positive relationships with others as they grow.

indoor garden
Wonderful and easy way to grow food!

fitbit fitness tracker
Great way to track your activity!

cool mist humidifier
Humidifiers are scientifically proven to help keep people healthy.

frisbee beamo soft frisbee
The only (soft) Frisbee-like toy we've ever enjoyed (and we do, for hours).


Sarah R. Moore is an internationally published writer and the founder of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting. You can follow her on FacebookPinterest, and Instagram. She’s currently worldschooling her family. Her glass is half full.

Child led learning is an approach to education that differs from more structured teaching, wherein children learn by pursuing their interests rather than by following a particular schedule that an adult drives. The adult's role is essentially that of a facilitator.

If it seems contradictory to the brick-and-mortar approach of many school systems, it's because it is a different way of learning. Indeed, it's difficult for most mainstream schools to follow this approach with their inherent barriers to offering students one-on-one or consistent small group instruction. There simply aren't enough teachers to go around and their resources are limited. Further, there may be a global shortage of educators by 2030 (source). That said, some schools can implement child-led learning successfully (such as many Montessori schools, for example), and many homeschoolers use it quite successfully.

When can child-led learning begin?

The short answer is at birth. It happens naturally when children are babies. They learn to roll over on their own schedule, then walk and talk. We trust them to do those things when they're ready, rarely needing intervention. The adult's job is simply to provide an enriching environment where they can practice those activities. Once they've mastered those skills, children learn primarily through play.

What is child initiated play?

As kids grow, child led play happens naturally and as their primary mode of learning. We notice our toddlers stacking cans of cat food, for example, and realize they're not only building towers, but also exploring basic physics: weight, size, and gravity. They're not just stacking objects.

The opposite of child-driven play is, of course, adult initiated play. Using the cans of cat food to continue the illustration, an adult might intervene by adding instructions, such as, "Stack three in one pile and four in the next." Kids don't need directions when it comes to play; they're natural experts at it. In fact, we risk interrupting their learning if we drive too much of what we think they should be doing.

"...Play is how our instinct to become educated manifests itself, a concept that is supported by more than a century of research and observation performed by the brightest names in education, from Dewey and Piaget to Montessori and Vygotsky. But as to the question of 'what' children are learning at any given moment, the only one who knows that is person who is playing, and the moment we interrupt them to ask, the moment we test them, we forever change it. It's version of what in physics is called the 'observer effect.' As humans play, they are unconsciously asking and answering questions as they emerge, pursuing trains of thought, playing with variables, theorizing, making connections between one thing and another. The moment another person steps in with his own questions, that pursuit stops, and when the questioner is in a position of authority, like a teacher or parent, those questions become an imperative..." (source)

It's to their benefit that we not direct or "over-teach" them. They know best what they're learning. Once again, our job is to provide the flexibility and the resources for them to explore their environment.

But what about older kids? They don't play so much anymore and they need to learn things.

This is true if we consider it from the perspective of playing with toys. Indeed, eventually, kids trade their toy trucks and stuffed animals for other activities. A 10-year-old isn't going to stack cat food. However, it's not necessarily true that "play" stops as a child ages; it simply manifests differently.

"Play is something done for its own sake," Dr. Stuart Brown, head of the National Institute for Play, explains. "It's voluntary, it's pleasurable, it offers a sense of engagement, it takes you out of time. And the act itself is more important than the outcome." (source)

Older-child play often manifests in their interests and hobbies. Perhaps a child enjoys music, sports, science, or reading. This "play" is every bit as important for the child's learning and development.

One of the best ways to help children learn new things is to explore the topics to which they're naturally drawn.

Max out the library card; watch every documentary on the subject. See if an expert (live or museum) is dedicated to teaching the aspects of whatever your child enjoys most. Exposure, exposure, and more exposure will help your child become a passionate subject matter expert. The point is not to force it.

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What are the benefits of child led learning?

There are many benefits to this approach to learning. They include the following, among others.

1. Foster a love of learning:

"The science of play is validating what gifted educators such as Alice Meckley, Ph.D., Vivian Paley, Sharna Olfman and Kathy Hirsch-Pasek have long been practicing and advocating. When students have fun at learning, they continue to pursue it for its own sake. It is how nature assured us how to learn about the world and our places in it. At any age, play acts to retain and enhance meaningful context, and optimizes the learning process. All gifted parents, master teachers, and wise executives know this." (source)

2. Grow the brain:

"Play is not frivolous: it enhances brain structure and function and promotes executive function (ie, the process of learning, rather than the content), which allow us to pursue goals and ignore distractions." (Source)

3. Encourage movement for good health:

"Unstructured materials, often called loose parts, encourage child-led play, and therefore may also promote physical activity." (source)

If you've been doing something else, how do you transition to child-led learning?

If a child has been in a traditional school system for any period of time, he or she will likely be accustomed to teacher-led instruction wherein very little, if any, input from the child was incorporated into the lesson plans. This child may need a period of de-schooling, or more simply stated, time to unwind from the prior approach and transition to this new method. Keep in mind that even radical unschoolers are still educating their children, be it through teaching them to cook, do chores, and participate in the economy. There are plenty of lessons to be learned from regular day-to-day life.

To get started, it may be beneficial to emphasize outings and experiences to continue, or perhaps foster, a love of learning. Rather than using worksheets or manuals about the child's interests (unless, of course, he or she genuinely wants to use them), activities where learning happens more organically can prove beneficial. Examples would include trips to museums, cultural centers, or if possible, travel. Younger children, in particular, can learn in nearly any setting at all if adults are helping them engage with their surroundings. Engaging can simply mean observing the environment if the child is disinclined to jump into something new.

peaceful discipline
Want more peace with your child? Click to buy this book.

What does child-led learning look like day-to-day?

It's helpful to take an interdisciplinary and holistic view of child-led learning. You may or may not dedicate specific time each day for any semblance of formal teaching.

For a young child:

Using the cooking, chores, and economy examples from above, it might manifest like this. The child wants to host a lemonade stand on a warm summer day. The adult might use this as an opportunity for reading (recipe, ingredients), math (measuring and proportions), science (cleaning and not leaving germs), and finance (price setting), art (making a sign), and so on.

For an older child:

The child wants to play a computer game. The adult's job here is to ensure the child has access to games that help grow the mind rather than hinder it. From there, the adult can explore the child's interest in, for example, making his or her own computer games. Coding is a great way to take this type of "play" to the next level. If the child's interest is simply in playing the games, even that may prove beneficial. (source)

Further, regardless of the child's age, it's important to remember that learning isn't linear. Although a workbook might suggest that a child should learn page 2 before moving onto page 3, for example, real-world experience tells us that it doesn't always work that way. A child might grasp the concept of positive and negative numbers, for instance, before being able to count to 20 on his or her own. This is perfectly natural.

Can you use curriculum alongside child-led learning?

Absolutely, yes. Just because you're following child-led learning doesn't mean you can't use tools to guide you. Although some curriculum are certainly structured and linear, others offer the parent and child learning resources that are much more flexible, wherein children can learn modules at their own pace and in whatever order works best for them.

Interests can become passions in child led learning.

To be clear, teachers in traditional and non-traditional settings are invaluable. There's no single one-size-fits-all to education, but there should be universal gratitude do all who invest in children's futures. To the extent that we can encourage our children to enjoy what they're learning, regardless of method, it will almost certainly correlate to their level of engagement with the subject matter.

You may also like: Conscious Parenting: 7 Ways to Earn & Keep Your Child's Heart

Growing up, I always wanted a white Christmas--there was just something magical about waking up to a blanket of snow on that special day. It was the perfect day to stay inside with all the physical and emotional warmth Christmas offered before diving into the snow and playing outside. I still hope for a white Christmas, but these days, what’s even more important to me is a green one. By a green Christmas, I don’t mean I want to see the grass instead of the snow. Instead, I mean I want one that’s still as heartwarming as those from years gone by, but a much more sustainable version of that with which I was raised. 

After all, conscious parenting and the need for sustainability apply all year ‘round, including during the holidays. Raffi’s Child Honouring course includes a full section about sustainability for those who want to learn more. 

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With that in mind, here are eight great tips to help you have a green Christmas.

1. If you’re going to get a tree, get a real one.

With 8m real trees in the process of being purchased this Christmas, the idea of saving one from the axe might be prompting the move to fake ones this year in the belief that they are more environmentally friendly.

But environmentalists and energy analysts would disagree. Take one

BONUS IDEA: If you're willing to forgo gifts this year, please consider donating what you would've spent to reputable charities who support people in need.

 key product detail of these thousands of artificial trees – they are made of plastic. It is the manufacture of the plastic tree,

from oil, which creates most of its carbon footprint; around two thirds, according to Dr John Kazer of the Carbon Trust. Another quarter is created by the industrial emissions produced when the tree is made. They are also often shipped long distances before arriving in the shop and then your home.

A 6.5ft artificial tree has a carbon footprint equivalent to about 40kg of greenhouse gas emissions – which is more than twice that of a real tree that ends its life in landfill and more than 10 times that of a real tree which is burnt...” (Source)

2. Send electronic cards instead of paper ones.

I confess that I love touching paper. Books, cards, you name it; paper is practically my love language. However, as much as I love cards, they're just not worth their negative impact on sustainability. 

The average letter has a carbon footprint of about 29 grams of CO2. The carbon footprint of a normal email footprint is much less, about 4 grams of CO2. (Source)

With just a couple of exceptions, we'll be sending e-cards this year. 

If the idea of not sending paper cards troubles you, you can take small steps. Strike 20 names from your list. If you can’t do that, try 10. Start somewhere. 

You might also like: Teaching Kids How to Protect the Earth and

The Best (Greener) Stocking Stuffers for Kids and Kids at Heart

3. Trade gifts for experiences.

As conscious as we are about sustainability the rest of the year, it’s really tempting to continue habits we’ve held onto since we were kids. Part of that, of course, is gift giving. To be clear, I’m not saying don’t give gifts. It makes sense, however, to consider the planet and our impact when we’re thinking about how to put a smile on a loved one's face.

green christmas
Recycled golf balls make a great (and green!) token gift to represent the experience gift that's coming. They're also great on their own!

Here are a few green Christmas "experience gifts" that people in our family have loved:

Sure, it’s fun to have something to touch; something to open. If that's important to you, there are ways to accomplish this while keeping the gifts themselves to a minimum. For example, buy a package of recycled golf balls to represent the gift to Dad and Granddad (afflinks). Choose a pretty frame for a homemade drawing from your child, or a family photo, for Mom and Grandma to represent the art you’ll see together at the museum. Find a really sweet stuffed animal for your child to represent the sanctuary. 

Moreover, for whatever you do choose to purchase, buy locally whenever you can. This can make a big and positive impact on your carbon footprint.

4. Reuse wrapping paper or gift bags (or skip them!). 

green christmas
Reusable gift bags available in lots of colors and sizes.

My great grandmother was infamous for urging us not to rip the paper every Christmas morning. Now that I’m older and understand better, she was really onto something! We are reusing previous years' paper for as many years as we can make it stretch before it nearly falls to bits in our recycling bin. And once it’s gone, we aren’t replacing it. In the meantime, it still looks just as pretty as it ever did under the lights of the tree.

We also have plenty of reusable gift bags to last us many years. These work for birthdays and other celebrations, too! It's not just about having a green Christmas; sustainability works all year 'round.

green christmas
Find gifts that get your kids outside, that are good for their bodies, and that will last for years.

5. Skip bows and ribbons entirely.

We have a few large red bows (which we've given the moniker “tarantula bows” because they've existed in our family for generations and are mangled enough to show it). They look pretty terrible, but they’re actually kind of hilarious that way. We’ve all come to love them and dive to protect them if someone is handling them too roughly. Aside from these, though---which we can place strategically on top of whatever's most visible under the tree---we don't need any other ribbons or bows. Let your kids decorate the wrapping paper with markers. It's more fun, anyway, and it's a great way to involve them.

6. Ditch plastic for sustainable gifts.

Choose more sustainable products instead of conventionally manufactured ones. Gifts made of natural and renewable materials are best by far. Many are specifically marked for sustainability. If you shop locally, make sure to ask your merchants for the sources of their products.

green christmas
A play house for years of fun.

7. Get a bigger bang for your buck.

Just the other day, my six-year-old said to me out of the blue, “Do you remember that year I got my jungle gym for Christmas? It was so big — I didn’t even think there could be a present under blankets like that!”

That Christmas was three years ago, and it stuck with her half her life. Rather than lots of little presents (which, as much as we hate to admit it, might not be entirely memorable), consider a single big gift that will last for years. That's a much more sustainable option. We've never regretted having done this when we could. Similar fun and big ideas to the jungle gym would be a bike, a play house or a trampoline.

green christmas
Bikes last for years and are better for the planet. A great way to get your kids off to a healthy and sustainable start!

Buy fewer gifts; make them count.

8. Adjust your holiday meal.

For those of us who have a history of having more leftovers than we can freeze / turn into soup / repurpose into another meal somehow, consider revising the meal plan. Many grocery stores will sell partial portions of their "big serving" options if you simply ask. Downsize the meal plan to fit your family. No need to buy more than you need just because it's Christmas.

If you do end up buying more than you need, find a place to donate your excess. There are many hungry people at Christmastime and throughout the year.

A green Christmas is one focused on sustainability.

More importantly, however, it's one that focuses on the true spirit of the season.

I'm fully aware that I'm writing this from a place of privilege compared to most of the world. Find a way to help others. For a bonus idea, if you're willing to forgo gifts this year and have the option financially, please consider donating what you would've spent to reputable charities who support people in need. Discuss it with your family. Make a difference not only this time of year, but whenever you can.

I'm sending you and yours all the love in the world. Happy holidays to you and yours!

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