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This is a guest post from Emma Salt about raising an atypical child.

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Perhaps you've always known you have an atypical child, or perhaps it's all new territory for you. Either way, when a doctor looks you in the eye and confirms a diagnosis related to your child's physical, cognitive, or emotional development, it can be jarring for the whole family.

Some people get a diagnosis quickly. For others, it may come after months or years of trying to get people to listen, to understand and to help their atypical child. Regardless when you get the diagnosis, however, your life changes.

No matter how "ready" we were for the news that you have an atypical child, it may still come as a shock.

Both of our children are atypical. One has ADHD; the other, autism.

Both are amazing, but the journey we have been on with both of them has been tough. If my background wasn't teaching, I'm not sure we would have known what to say and what to do to push things forward. (We are based in the UK and processes and support systems differ around the world.)

Still, the emotional journey that parents of an atypical child experience are often similar to one another.

The emotional process for the parent

Our youngest was almost 14 when we finally got an Autism diagnosis. We could see atypical behaviors at home from a very young age, but our eldest has ADHD. With two atypical children, there was no 'typical' to compare with. He met developmental milestones, although, looking back, he met them in his own atypical way.

The final straw for us was a school residential when he was 9. He was

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nervous before he went (he's never been keen on staying away from home), and when I picked him up from school, I could see from the look on his face that something was very wrong. He got in the car and cried all the way home.

He just sat next to me and sobbed. When we got home, he curled up on the sofa and a migraine started, and then he vomited. The stress of the past 36 hours had built and built and this was the result. I realised that our quirky individual was more than quirky.

Something was going on. It wasn't just that he didn't want to stay away from home, he couldn't stay away from home. He wasn't just an eclectic individual; he was atypical, and I needed to get him help.

I made an appointment to see our GP. I had told our son that we were going to the doctor to see if someone could help with his worries, and he was happy with this. I remember it was a warm May morning and the doctor's office was stuffy and busy, and the doctor was running very late.

In the waiting area, an elderly gentleman with a kind face smiled and talked to my son. My son growled in reply. I had never heard him do this before, and it shocked me. He pulled his hood over his head and wouldn't make eye contact with anyone.

When we finally got called in, the atypical behavior carried on. He climbed onto a chair and crouched, then he sat on the floor and rocked. He refused to talk to the doctor, but his behavior meant that I didn't need to say much. My child was showing everything I wanted to explain. He wasn't attention seeking or misbehaving; he was just a child who was stressed and showing a deficit in social skills.

I was heartbroken by what I saw that day. My beautiful child wasn't typical. He was almost 10, but couldn't function in a crowded room.

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Once the cycle of atypical behaviors started, the only thing that would stop it was coming home.

When we told our families that our child was going to be screened for autism, there was a range of reactions. Most people were very supportive, but others didn't see atypical development or behavior. They couldn't understand why we were doing what we were doing, and some refused to

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see it.

Even though we were in the system, the assessment for diagnosis took a year. We had this assessment through CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service). We had to fill out a form, his school had to fill out a form, and then our child had a 1-2-1 assessment.

We went back three weeks later for the result. We were told he had traits but not a full diagnosis. My reaction was one of disappointment, but then guilt that I was disappointed he didn't have a diagnosis (and that mum guilt would come in waves over the next few years).

He then went to secondary school, and everything (anxiety, stress, the difference between the typical and atypical children) seemed to increase. He is a clever child, and he knew that he wasn't the same as many of his peers. He felt different, and this awareness impacted his mental health.

We went back again for another assessment, but this time we were told he couldn't be re-assessed, but they diagnosed clinical anxieties, so he had cognitive behavioural therapy. The following spring, four years after our first attempt to get him diagnosed, he asked to go back. He knew he was different, he knew that he had a different developmental trajectories to his peers (some more advanced, some less), and he knew he was autistic.

He wanted a diagnosis, and as parents, we respected that decision.

CAMHS would not see us again, and so we were sent to the Children's Department who were amazing. He was assessed again. The assessment took much longer this time, and just four months after this referral, he had his diagnosis

I sobbed when they told us.

I cannot begin to express the toll this journey took on me, and how it affected my mental health. I was on such a rollercoaster. I felt guilt for pushing for a diagnosis, and yet more guilt for not noticing atypical development and strange developmental milestones. Should we have asked for a diagnosis earlier? As parents, had we let our child down? Should be have been more aware of the difference between typical and atypical behaviors?

Most of all, though, I felt guilt for grieving the life our child would not have. He is wonderful, he is social (when he is motivated to be), he is an integral part of our family and he makes our lives better.

But life is tough for him sometimes, tougher than it should be. As a parent, it is very hard to see that without being able to make it all better.

Related: Check out Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting's expert interview with Debbie Reber, Author of Differently Wired.

What kind of support does the parent of an atypical child need?

Parents of atypical children need people who will listen and sit with them in their dark days. They need people who nod in the right places without giving too much advice, or telling you the latest 'cure' they've read online. They need a support network of likeminded people, and they need people with a relatable sense of humor, because, sometimes, that's what gets you through the day!

Family is important, but sometimes family members just won't get it -- the diagnosis, what it means, and the impact an atypical child may have on the parents' life, both good and bad.

For me, try to get them involved for as long as you can, but the mental health of you and your child has to come first. If seeing an aunt who will not try to understand what is going on upsets your child, you have to ask yourself if that aunt is worth seeing. This is harsh, but you have enough to deal with, and sometimes it's easier to walk away.

You also need to make time for you. That could be anything from a holiday away without your children, a day at a spa, a walk in the woods or for me, I have half an hour most mornings before anyone else is up. I indulge in social media, online games, reading a book, looking out of the window or whatever I want.

That is my time, and it gives me time to breathe before the day starts.

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What should kids know about their own "atypical" diagnosis?

There are lots of debates about what to tell your child, and what to tell people you meet, and I think the unhelpful answer to these dilemmas is 'do what's right for you'. For us, our children were not diagnosed with their atypical conditions (and even calling them conditions can trigger a response from some atypical adults - if this is you, I apologise), so they had strong identities before their diagnosis. They have not been defined by their diagnoses.

The diagnosis is seen as a lens rather than a label, and this is how our children see it, too.

We are also as honest with our children as we can be. When our youngest was being screened for dyslexia, h was only 7. We told him that he was going to see a lady who would try and find ways to make reading and writing at school a little easier.

When we got his diagnosis of dyslexia and we told him, he looked at us and said, 'Well, I know that already, I think like my brother!' Our oldest is

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severely dyslexic. If they are high functioning, then they probably already know.

Our eldest was almost 17 when he was diagnosed with ADHD. For him, it was a relief; he had felt every day that he was going mad, that there was something 'wrong' with him. Once he knew he had ADHD, a huge chunk of worry left.

I should add that we decided not to have him screened when he was younger as we didn't want another label - in hindsight, this was the wrong decision. It is better, in my opinion, to have a correct diagnosis and be able to put support plans in place than to have a label such as a naught, disruptive or aggressive child. Back to my earlier point, though, you need to do what is right for your family and situation.

What kind of support does the atypical child need?

You have to remember that support is not a one size fits all package. Both my children have dyslexia, one severely, one significantly (although I don't think those terms are used any more), but with the initial diagnosis and report, there is not much difference between them. However, in terms of academics, school, behavior, development, reading and writing, they are completely different -- as is the support they need.

One issue we've had with education is that teachers who have not experienced atypical children firsthand (either as a parent, sibling, close relative or child) do not understand this. Not only are atypical children, well, atypical, each has their own atypical development and developmental needs.

As a parent, I like to know as much as I can about anything that's new to me, so I have endless books on dyslexia, ADHD, ASD, raising the atypical child, schooling, unschooling and so on.

The search for more and more information got overwhelming, when what I should have done was ask my children what they need. Yes, there are things that are applicable to most atypical children. Yes, there are proven aids and therapies that may help. Yes, there are strategies that can be put in place, but at the end of the day, you need to get the support that your child needs.

Parenting atypical children can be exhausting, the battles with school to get help can feel overwhelming, visits to hospitals or therapists can feel never ending, but I wouldn't change a thing.

About the Writer

I am a mum of two boys who both have barriers to learning/SENDs, and I am a qualified teacher, and have taught a wide range of students from 13 to 60+ for the last 19 years. 

From both parent and teacher perspectives, I feel that so many children miss out on so much that education has to offer.  As a parent, I find it frustrating to see my children climbing mountains every day, and as a teacher I find it frustrating that I can’t always do what is needed to make every child achieve their potential.

I blog about my journey as a parent, from how I felt with the diagnoses, how my children feel and how my husband and I make our family a safe, happy unit. 

Yesterday, there was a mass shooting very close to where I live. How's that for the beginning of a blog post?

This is not the kind of thing that should ever happen under any circumstances, but when it does, our lives can be deeply affected. As such, we need to be able to talk to our children in ways that are honest and supportive, but without going "too far." After all, they're still kids. 

Process, Feel, Plan, & Communicate

Let me preface this by saying that these tips apply to other hard situations, too. Anytime there is a loss, anytime there's something hard that's going on in the child's life, the discussion and healing processes are largely the same.

Perhaps it's the loss of a loved one or a pet. Perhaps it's something else that's a big deal emotionally -- whatever it is, it matters deeply to you or your child.

The shooting, of course, is particularly poignant right now because of what happened here yesterday.

When something bad happens, where do we start?

We can feel really overwhelmed, ourselves. Of course, we have to start with our own processing; our own beginning of the healing process. We want to be careful not to just blurt out the news to our child.

Wonderful book about how understandably distracted adults can be, from a child's perspective, when there's big news. The book does not specify what the breaking news is, so it's widely applicable. (afflinks)

We don't need to invite our child into our own processing, because by definition, as adults, we are going to process things differently than they do. We are going to have a different perspective than they will; different fears and concerns than they will.

Our first task is to pause, reflect, absorb, and decide how we want to respond. We must be very intentional about how we want to handle the situation with our children instead of reacting without thinking it through.

Related: FREE parenting and child development expert interviews

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Be proactive

We know that kids talk to one another. We also know that many kids have access to screens and media and all sorts of sources of information that are not us.

We don't know what those sources are going to share. We don't know if they are going to be accurate. And we certainly don't know if they are going to be age appropriate.

We want to handle the situation in a way that's appropriate for our child, specifically. There is no one size fits all. There is no script that works for every child.

Whenever possible, we wand to be the first one to share the news with them. Obviously, sometimes kids hear things before we do, and if that happens, our job is to be emotionally safe; be responsive to our child.

We want to hold space for the their feelings and talk about the things we need to talk about in ways that resonate with our family values, with our belief systems, with the messages that, once again, we know are appropriate for our children.

To be clear, I say "appropriate for our children" in very loose terms because there is nothing "appropriate" about tragedy.

Be "age appropriately" honest

I do believe in being direct with children. However, depending NOT only the age, but more so depending on the emotional maturity of the child -- as well as what they are likely or unlikely to hear from other sources -- you want to be age appropriately honest.

For example, if it is something like the tragedy that was the mass shooting yesterday, you can say to a young child, "Something really terrible happened. Somebody came into a place and hurt a whole bunch of people." You can leave it at that. They don't need more detail.

You can then move forward to next steps; how we're going to take care of ourselves and each other, and how we're safe and everybody we know is safe (if that's true).

For an older child, you might share more information. Perhaps they're old enough to know the location of the incident without developing a fear of all places of its kind. You know them best.

As I mentioned above, the same approach can. be effective for other tough situations.

For example, if a grandparent died, a younger child might only need to know that they're gone and how very much they were loved.

An older child might understand more detail of a long-term illness, for example, and how that illness is different from the common cold or flu. 

You can share your family's belief system around the event and then move forward, compassionately, with extra love and support as you navigate the loss.

"In the moment" -- while you're discussing the situation -- you can adjust the amount of detail you share based on your child's sensitivity, their emotional maturity and their body language, and their responses to what you're saying.

Keep in mind that some kids are "processors" and won't show their true response right away. Go slowly. 

For the children that can only handle the details and bite-size pieces, they might know that something bad happened, but that's enough for right now.

If they ask, "Can we talk about this later?" Your answer can be, "Yes, of course." Trust your chid's timing and cues, verbal and non-verbal. 

We don't need to divulge everything that's on our heart. We need to trust the child in front of us. Revisit what you need to, later.

Some children, of course, really want to hear more details.

Related: Positive parenting mini-courses

Be authentic

It is entirely misleading to the child if we put on a brave face and act like we are unaffected by big events.

We need to be authentic.

We need to say things like, "I am so sad that this happened."

"I am so angry that this happened."

"I am so --" whatever you are feeling. It's all valid.

In being emotionally authentic, you are modeling to your child.

It's also important to let your child know that you're responsible for your own feelings, and even though you are feeling sad or angry (or whatever it is you're feeling), that you're going to find ways to deal with these feelings. It's not your child's job to "fix" them.

Be specific about how you're going to support yourself. You might say, "I'm feeling really sad about this situation, so I'm going to:

The child needs to know that addressing your feelings is your job and you've got it under control, even if it's hard right now.

Be hopeful

Encourage them. Offer emotional safety to them.

Mr. Rogers always said we should "look for the helpers," and I firmly believe that this is instrumental in our healing from everything hard that happens in life.

If it's a medical situation, we can express gratitude for the medical facilities and personnel that are out there helping every single day. Even when nothing difficult is happening, they're still there and they are prepared.

We might share hope that stems from our faith.

We might share hope in gratitude that we are alright, or in something specific we can do to be part of others' healing.

Share whatever gives your child hope that life goes on, that things will get better. Let them know that time helps all wounds, because it truly does. It may not heal them fully, but it always helps once time has passed. 

Lest I sound cliché, I want your child to know these truths. They're not "toxic positivity," because we're not pretending things are easy. We're not gaslighting or glossing over anyone's feelings. No one would "buy it" if we said everything was alright in the first place. Sometimes, things just aren't okay.

Share the specific and actionable steps that we can take right now, in this moment of hardship, to give us hope -- to give us that olive branch -- to give us something to hold on to.

These things will carry us through until we get to a place of peace and emotional safety again.

 

"Is Santa real?" With that simple question from my child, my heart drops. On one hand, I always and unequivocally want to be honest. On the other, I want to preserve the innocence and magic of childhood.

I sometimes wonder whether my child already knows the answer and is just checking whether I'm being truthful about it. I also wonder whether she wants proof that he really IS real because she sincerely wants to believe in Santa Claus. Both options co-exist in my thoughts as I consider how to respond. Thoughtfully. Carefully.

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Is the Santa story even a part of gentle parenting, anyway?

"Is Santa real" is one of the most loaded questions of parenting. If we answer that he's not, it's the end of a certain kind of innocence; a little bit of childhood traded in favor of one step closer to adulthood.

Stories of Santa Claus, otherwise known as Kris Kringle and Saint Nicholas, have circulated around the world for hundreds of years. Were all those generations of parents wrong?

Believing in Santa is a wonderfully pure part of childhood. At the same

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time, as part of truly respectful parenting, we wonder if we should be upfront with our children about Santa and Mrs. Claus, the North Pole, reindeer, elves, and all things jolly-Christmas. Certainly most kids believe -- but should mine, too?

Here's how we handled Santa Claus in my home.

Early on, I decided that I didn't want to mislead my child. Although I'd loved the magic of Christmas when I was little, I wanted my relationship with my daughter to be based on honesty and transparency about everything. No exceptions -- just straight-up loving and gentle truthfulness.

Therefore, I decided I didn't want to tell her about Santa. We'd just do our "thing" every December, celebrating the true meaning of Christmas for our family, and that would suffice. We'd navigate the trickier waters as she grew older.

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My husband and extended family weren't on board with that, however. They wanted her to know Santa; to love him, like we all did when we were children. Truth be told, I have fond memories of sitting on the sofa next to the Christmas tree, staring at my empty fireplace, wondering if I'd be witness to Santa's appearance.

I liked putting out a bowl of sugar and some carrots for the reindeer, and adding some sugar cookies for the guest of honor. It was fun to see the reindeers' "nose prints" in the sugar the following morning and the cookie crumbs upon the plate.

Remembering these things, I altered my plan.

I decided we'd wing it year by year. We'd also be intentional about which parts we'd "wing," however.

1. We could be "a" Santa to others, instead of talking about "the" (implied one-and-only) Santa Claus.

When my daughter was very little, I started engaging her in "being" a Santa Claus for someone else. To be clear, I never flat-out told her that Santa wasn't real. I simply didn't comment one way or the other, and "playing" Santa Claus for others seemed like a good way to gently and oh-so-gradually clue her in while helping her learn the importance of doing good deeds for others. 

With this approach, starting when she was about two and every year thereafter, we'd pick strangers for whom we'd plan to do a random act of kindness -- an elderly neighbor, someone requesting a donation of food or supplies -- and then we'd follow through in helping that person somehow. I called it "being a Santa" and explained it as the goodness of doing acts of service for others without expecting anything in return.

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At that age, she never questioned whether Santa was real. She simply went along with it. 

As she got to the next Christmas, other well-meaning family members started telling her the story of Santa. Whether they played music like "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" for her, wrote his name as the giver of gifts, or simply asked her whether Santa had gotten her anything after the fact, suddenly, he was very much alive in her consciousness.

Of course, she started asking me about him. Children are great at intuiting the very questions we'd prefer they not ask us directly.

2. When she'd ask me, "Mama, is Santa real?" I'd reply, "What do you think?"

With bright eyes and great enthusiasm behind her question, she made it very clear that she wanted Santa to be real. The magic of Christmas was important to her in this way. I didn't "feed" her belief by talking about him, but I welcomed the joy she found in him.

I treated him like another beautiful decoration to behold on the mantle -- something we acknowledge, but that we wouldn't spend a lot of time admiring.

Around that time, I decided to follow her lead. I wouldn't tell her he didn't exist, but I also wouldn't tell her that he did.

Is a non-answer a lie? I don't think so, in this case. Like all questions from kids, there's a time and place when they're ready to know certain things. For me, "Is Santa real" falls into this category.

When she put me on the spot, I'd turn it around and ask what she thought. She always confirmed that he was, indeed, alive and well, living contentedly at the North Pole. I'd smile in response; perhaps give her a kiss. Sometimes, I'd talk about how wonderful it is to be a Santa. (There it is again.)

Santa Claus comes no matter what. Period. As part of gentle parenting, her behavior has nothing to do whether Santa will come via reindeer to our

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rooftop on Christmas Eve. There's no discussion of naughty or nice. We never talk about coal in the stocking or any of the other popular threats parents use.

Santa simply visits because my child is a child. That's the only prerequisite.

Needless to say, Santa doesn't judge others' behavior, either. It's not part of his schtick. He's entirely benevolent.

If other well-meaning parents or other people say to my child, "Were you a good girl this year?" I'm quick to respond on her behalf, "Of course! Santa has nothing to do with that. She's a great kid." End of story.

4. Santa brings fewer gifts than Mommy and Daddy do.

We minimize the focus on Santa by limiting the number of presents from him. Granted, we're not a present-focused family, anyway; commercialism isn't our "thing." Still, Santa may leave her gifts in her stocking and the rest are up to Mommy and Daddy. Or, Santa may give her a couple of small-ish gifts under the Christmas tree, but the ones about which she'll get most excited are not from him.

And then we move on joyfully together. She's never questioned the quantity of quality of Santa's gifts.

How do I know this approach to Santa works?

I know because honesty worked for the Easter Bunny. He was my litmus test. My child figured out years ago that Mommy and Daddy are really the Easter Bunny, and when we had the discussion in the way that we did, she was absolutely fine with it. A large part of her ongoing trust in us is that we were honest with her when she was ready for the full story.

We didn't need to overcomplicate things by talking her out of that which she'd discovered for herself.

Somehow, she still hasn't made the connection between the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus, even though it's been two years since she learned about the bunny. So, just because some magic changes, it doesn't necessarily disappear all at once. It can be a gradual process. I felt relieved to learn this.

I want my child to hear the truth from me about "Is Santa real?" when the time comes.

I've seen the truth work time and time again. It's part of how I've become my child's "safe place" emotionally. When she asks, "Is Santa real?" I want my answer about this topic to be no exception. If I'm going to be her emotional rock throughout her life, these are the very details that matter.

If you've already told our child the whole kit and caboodle about Santa -- can you backtrack?

I've had to do some backtracking when my child focused more on the Santa piece than what made me comfortable. So, I get it.

If Santa is already part of your December narrative, you can focus more on how good it feels to be a Santa for others. You can give Kris Kringle a smaller role this year, even if he's still present for your kids. You choose where you put your focus.

You're not spoiling it for your children if they do want to believe, and you're ingraining in them that they can do good works for others.

You can promote the spirit of Christmas for exactly what it is. Know what and why you and your kids are celebrating. There's a good message there; and one they can carry with them forever.

Related video for people who celebrate Jesus and Santa, and how to navigate that responsibly

Children can believe in the magic of Santa for many years -- and no matter how you approach it, you can do it with connection and trust at the core.

They'll figure it out when they're ready. And if you choose never to do the Santa thing, that works, too (just let children know that when other kids ask them, "Is Santa real?" -- it would be best if they refer them to their family for the answer). It's important that kids understand and respect family differences; you're modeling that for them. Christmas means different things to different people.

I know this for sure, though -- I am glad Santa exists. Because he does, in the goodness that's all around us every year. Children see it clearly. I do my best to see it, too.

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"Is Santa real?" also coming soon as a mini-course. Check out our current offerings and choose one free course from more than 40 topics.

Fostering healthy sibling love and a strong relationship among your children is an important part of their development. Allowing them to develop a camaraderie and appreciation for each other can help them forge familial bonds that last into their adulthood.

Kids who had a lot of conflict and parental favoritism growing up are more prone to developing depression, anxiety, hostility, and loneliness in their later years.

Since positive habits and behaviors are best developed while young, make sure to introduce activities that your children can try together. Here are some you can use to help them naturally bond and grow their sibling love.

Sibling love tip #1: Pick up hobbies together

This option is very versatile given that there are many hobbies for siblings to start doing together! It’s something for them to talk about and bond over or, at the very least, to create shared experiences. You can have them try sports, or do something home-based like arts and crafts.

One hobby that can suit various age groups while nurturing sibling love is music. Older kids might want to start a family band to make things fun, while younger kids can just enjoy experimenting with various instruments.

Research cited by the World Economic Forum notes that learning to play music can help with brain development.

Toddlers can boost their motor skills while toying with a small piano, while learning notes could help older kids strengthen their memory. These skills can be transferred to tasks outside of playing music, such as their education. Plus, music can be a very fun thing to make together!

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Sibling love tip #2: Take them to outdoor group activities

Frequently taking your kids outdoors is very good for their health, development, and bonding. A study in the Journal of Environmental Psychology points out that children who are connected to nature are more ‘pro-social’. This means they’re more likely to help, share, and cooperate with others around them. And even if the children are still very young, it pays to get them outside and experiencing the world.

If you prefer using a stroller to babywearing, the tandem strollers on iCandy (available in the U.K. and Ireland) show how many designs are built to carry more than one child simultaneously while maintaining the same width as a single pushchair.

This allows the siblings to be in close contact with each other and engage with the outdoor environment without the inconvenience of a side-by-side stroller. If one child is more inquisitive, they can be placed in the front, while the child in the back with have the comfort of being shielded.

Once they get older, you have more options to nurture sibling love, such as outdoor games, camping, or fishing trips. These are all activities they can engage in together to form a bond.

Sibling love tip #3: Playing co-op games

Playing games is a surefire way to pique a kid's interest and help them learn new things. With the vast array of board games out there and the advent of multiplayer video games, you can easily let your kids have some fun together in an activity that requires them to work as a team to succeed.

If you're worried about content that might not be good for children, you can always read up on appropriate options, such as the kid-friendly games featured on CNET. There are tons of games you can even play together with your kids to foster their bonding time and associate it with parent time, too.

Sibling love tip #4: Make DIY projects together

It's always fun for kids when they get to make something they can be proud of. It flexes their creativity and can even teach them new skills. There are a lot of DIY craft projects that are easy enough for kids of different ages, and you can either have them collaborate on making one thing or have them create their own variations (as long as you avoid making things too competitive.)

Make it a regular activity or have your children pick out projects they personally find interesting so they can each feel engaged.

Parenting siblings requires more care, but the rewards are fulfilling for the heart. For more tips on raising kids to be peaceful with each other, check out our interview with Dr. Laura Markham of Aha! Parenting.

This post was prepared by Isabelle Sharp.

Emotional regulation skills are of growing importance in a world where depression and self-esteem are at an all-time low for children. 

At the same time, we know that resilience and empathy -- along with emotional regulation skills -- are protective factors that help guard against these challenges. These skills are teachable, according to expert Michele Borba, Ed.D

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What are Emotional Regulation Skills?

Although emotional regulation skills are multifaceted and complex, the short description is that they reflect a child's (or an adult's) ability to refrain from acting out "in the moment." Emotional regulation skills happen in the pause that happens between thought and action, wherein we process how we're instinctively inclined to react versus how we want to respond. 

How do we teach emotional regulation skills?

One key way to teach emotional regulation skills is through emotion coaching. If a child learns to pause -- to check in with themselves to see how they're feeling before they act -- it helps them slow down just enough to consider the potential consequences of their actions.

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That said, the prefrontal cortex -- the part of the brain that handles executive function skills like these -- isn't fully developed until around the age of 25.

How do we help it develop?

We can give our kids plenty of practice -- along with a roadmap of what to do when they feel flooded with emotions.

Related mini-course: Holding Space for Kids' Big Feelings

See also: FREE expert interviews about parenting and child development and more mini-courses from a certified positive parenting coach 

Emotion coaching enables children to understand what they’re feeling and why.

It gives them tools to navigate their emotions and process them in healthy ways. It normalizes and creates a safe for full expression of whatever it is they’re experiencing. 

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How does emotion coaching work?

When a child is young, a caregiver can help the child learn about their feelings in three key ways:

 

As the child grows older, a caregiver can add more detail and complexity to the discussion:

I refrain from including specific ages to represent a “young” child versus an “older” one because each child differs in their emotional literacy and in their comfort in talking about emotions.

Also, because child development is not linear, what might work for a child one day might not work at all for that same child, the very next (or even later that same day). Just as emotions are fluid and dynamic, so is the child’s ability to embrace, comprehend, and work through them. 

Michele Borba, Ed.D., explains that resilience is learned, and not necessarily an innate skill.

Why do emotion coaching and emotional regulation skills matter?

With emotion coaching, and regardless of their age, we give our children something to do with their emotions. It’s a roadmap for managing their feelings in healthy ways. We’re showing how to navigate feelings; to embrace them. To befriend and welcome them. 

Similarly, with emotional regulation skills, children learn that they can trust a predictable process of working through situations that feel tricky to them. They can reliably

When they give themselves the gift of choosing their response, they can decide whether the experience is something they can manage on their own or examine whether they need support. 

When they seek support, of course, we create a virtuous cycle of kids identifying where they need help -- and accordingly, getting that support.

These are skills on which they can rely in all of their relationships throughout their lives.

Related article: Attention-Seeking Behavior: 3 Reasons Not to Ignore It (and What to Do Instead)

In Part 1 of this interview excerpt, Rachel Rainbolt discusses natural learning. She addresses common fallacies and how we can embrace it as a valid form of education.

Sarah with Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting

Hello. I am Sarah with Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting and I am so excited today to talk to a kindred spirit, Rachel Rainbolt, of Sage Family.

It seems like I should have met you a thousand times in real life. We were homeschooling in the same part of the country for a very long time. We have tons of mutual connections. And we are now just meeting for the first time.

Rachel Rainbolt

Oh, I love that feeling. I love when like the two souls finally cross and you're like, yes, you're my people. So yes, it's amazing that we hadn't met sooner, but I'm glad we've connected now. I look forward to all of that brings in the future. 

Sarah of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting

I'd love to hear a little bit about you and your journey of natural learning.

First of all, I have to say I love your name -- Sage. The connotation is just lovely; the healing herb as well as the inference of wisdom. Tell me a little bit how you got started and what you do these days.

Rachel Rainbolt on the birth of Sage Family

Yeah. Well, first of all, I did this business with the birth of my second. His middle name, Sage, is where it came from.

It's like the nature and the power of nature combined with wisdom and insight and evidence, and then of course my love for my kiddos, so it felt like a good fit for my work.

Presently, I have three kiddos who are 15, 12, and almost 9. I am a homeschooling mama. We have been homeschooling for I don't even know how many years at this point.

Those of you who have read the Sage Homeschooling book (afflink) know that we put my oldest in school. She was in school for a couple years and then we bailed. We have been homeschooling ever since.

I have a master's degree in marital and family therapy. When I graduated,

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rather than going into private practice or agency work, I wanted to continue doing the work. I was passionate about helping families. But I wanted to do it in a way where it could be integrated with motherhood -- and I could still be fully present for my kids and homeschooling my kids.

So, that is how Sage family was born. Over the past 12 years,  I've written a series of books, homeschooling being the most notable of them.

I have a bunch of online classes, the bucket system being the biggest one, and then I've been doing coaching with families around the world.

Sarah on integrating natural learning into our lives

You said such a magical word a moment ago: "integrated."

One of the things that I love most about what you do is you don't really seem to describe homeschooling as a method per se. You talk more about natural learning as a way of life.

That ties in so beautifully with gentle parenting and this holistic view of what goes on within the walls of your home.

Let's help parents understand that how natural learning can happen outside of the traditional brick-and-mortar version of education.

How can parents really come to terms with trusting their children as partners in their education?

Watch Full Interview Here

Rachel Rainbolt on the integration of natural learning

Yeah, there's so much to that question. First, the integration piece is one of my battle cries.

I think that for women, especially, there's this societal expectation of compartmentalization -- you're a lawyer over here, but  you're a mother over there. You're a you're a wife over here...It's as if all these things need to be separate and that sets everyone up to fail. It's not sustainable. - Rachel Rainbolt on natural learning

It doesn't honor the fullness of who you are. It short changes everyone because when I show up as my full and authentic self, everyone benefits from that.

Now for the the lifestyle bit of the homeschooling and natural learning, yes, I love that you picked up on that nuance. I talk a lot about that. It's not an educational approach per se.

I mean, technically, it would check that box, but that's not how we apply it. That's not how it plays out or how we live it.

It really is just a lifestyle.

It's not something that we do between the hours of 9 a.m. and 2 p.m. We do it around the dining room table. It's happening all the time, as my kid is falling asleep in a cuddle with me. That's natural learning, too.

It happens as my kid is working on the coordination to floss their own teeth. That's natural homeschooling, too. I mean, all of these things are natural learning.

It's all of the facets of daily living, in addition to the bigger, more typically 'school-y' stuff that my kids do. There are really no distinctions or delineation or subject silos for us. We're just always in this state of wonder, following our curiosities, honoring our passions, and supporting our challenges. - Rachel Rainbolt on natural learning

All of that is really playing to our strengths; nurturing them. All of that is part of natural learning.

There's this misconception that when your child turns five, it's like all of a sudden, the only way to learn is sitting at a desk, going through worksheets, being lectured to by a teacher in a classroom -- but nothing fundamental changes about the way human brains work or the way psychology works, or the way learning works -- at the age of five.

So, how DO children learn beyond age five if it's not through worksheets and lectures?

The exact same way they learned before the age of five.

Your kid can learn to read the same way they learned to talk; in the same way that they learned to walk.

Rachel Rainbolt on natural learning
Watch Full Interview Here

Sarah on how natural learning works "in action"

Yes, beautiful -- and we certainly don't give them talking or walking lessons. I mean, aside from helping my child learn how to say "Mama" when she was tiny and only knew, "Dada! Dada!" -- I might've been guilty of focusing a little extra more on the "Mama" part for awhile.

Besides that, though, we don't "teach" our kids all the words. And we don't say, you know, "Put your left foot in front of your right..." for walking. Kids just learn these things.

Rachel Rainbolt on natural learning 

The notion of that is completely ludicrous and absurd. We just trust that it'll work out. Even in your example of emphasizing "Mama," we still do that in in all of the areas of learning. It's normal.

If I'm trying to put something together and my husband has put this thing together before, he might be like, "Oh, look. You turn it this way. Turn it around. There you go. Yeah, that's it."

That's normal. That's a part of how we learn things. That's a perfect example of how how we can be supportive.

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Natural learning and the child's environment

I think the environment plays a lot into natural learning. I will plant things in the environment based on my kids' interests that might resonate with them -- and then let go of my attachment to what they do with that object or that thing. 

We can be supportive of their learning journey without taking ownership.

If you want a self-driven, intrinsically motivated human being, then you have to let them own their learning journey. It's their life. You get to be a coach, guide, support, and consultant along that journey. - Rachel Rainbolt on natural learning

Sarah of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting on the invitation to natural learning

I love that so much. You just said another magical word in my teaching vocabulary: "invitation." We invite our children into the exploration of that which we are exposing them to. If it is forced, that comes from the parent and isn't natural learning. This is an invitation.

You also talked about a really key point that I want people to internalize. You talked about relinquishing control. We need to trust that our children are going to grow and learn and pick up what they need to pick up in life.

Can you talk a little bit more about that process of relinquishing control and replacing it with a sense of trust?

See related mini-course: Ways to Make Homeschooling Easier

Rachel Rainbolt on relinquishing control in natural learning

That's really a stopping point for a lot of parents as they try to engage in this way of learning.

Insecurity sort of breeds anxiety, and anxiety breeds control. When we feel anxious, we lean way far forward and we take control of things. Interestingly, studies show that when we take control, it reduces the parental anxiety and it increases the kid's anxiety. When we lean forward, they have no choice but to lean back. If you're taking up all the space, there's no space for them to grow into. - Rachel Rainbolt on releasing control in natural learning

If you want your child to be motivated and passionate and driven and independent, you have to give them the space to grow into all of those qualities.

Trust will grow one moment at a time, one interaction at a time, one gesture at a time.

Look for an opportunity where your kid is making a request or  wants some sort of freedom. If your anxiety is telling you, "No, take over here" -- instead, just lean back and observe.

Just observe what happens. Notice what's happening in your kid. Get really curious. Wonder what's happening within them; what things are developing through this experience.

...

I have never, ever had an experience where I leaned into trust and I later regretted it. - Rachel Rainbolt on natural learning 

I've never been like, "Oh, I really I pushed myself beyond my comfort zone there and I trusted them to know themselves and it was awful" -- because no matter what experience may have been, they learned from it.

It's this golden experience that they get to have;  they learn more about themselves. They learn more about the world. Even if they fall down, they integrate that experience into their web of understanding about the universe and their place in it.

There's all this gold that comes out of those experiences, even hard ones.

Sarah of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting on failure as part of natural learning

Exactly. It harkens back to the walking example that we shared a little while ago. If a child falls down, they will learn in that moment, "Oh, maybe I don't just keep walking straight off that step. Maybe I need to bend my knees  next time."

We can look for opportunities to teach "in the moment." Last night, for example, my child asked why oil and water don't mix.  That's not a question that I dismiss. That's one where I can say, "My child is inviting me into her learning." Guess who has a science unit coming up on why oil and water don't mix?

My child is interested. My child is invested in this, and from there, I can trust that she is taking that metaphorical step to the next level of her science education, in this example.

She's growing and learning every bit as much, if not more, than if I'd have put that worksheet down in front of her saying, "Here's a picture of oil and here's a picture of water. Let's study it now." That would have been zero context. She wouldn't have cared. Now, she cares.

A lot of the current teaching methods are not the same as natural learning. It's not about retaining and spitting out the information for a test. You never think about it again. Natural learning can enable a deeper assimilation.

Rachel Rainbolt on the role of the parent in natural learning

I love your example about falling while walking. Think about the role of the parent in that in that learning.

It's not our job to protect them from falling. It's not our job to get them walking. It's our job just to be there with loving arms if they come to us crying because they hit their knee on the floor. Be there when they need us and cheer them on when they're proud of themselves. - Rachel Rainbolt on natural learning

We just need to continue that beyond the age of five. It's this deeply intuitive natural version of connection that human beings are hard-wired to thrive in. We just need to carry that through for the long haul.

Sarah of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting on encountering the naysayers of natural learning

Let's jump to the naysayers for a second because obviously you and I are totally on board. We are speaking the same language here, but somebody is going to be watching this video or reading it later as a blog post and saying, "All I know are worksheets. All I know is the method with which I was raised. Prove to me that your method works."

How do we do that? What kind of validation do we have that natural learning works?

Rachel Rainbolt on the efficacy of natural learning

I love this question because I think even more so than the homeschooling parent being the naysayer, I find that it tends to be others who are naysayers and sometimes those voices work their way in and get stuck [in our minds].

When the parents come to me with those those questions, it's not really their questions.

First, I want to be really clear about where those fears are coming from. Whose fears are those? Do they belong to me or do they belong to someone else? - Rachel Rainbolt on addressing the naysayers of natural learning

Because if there's a concern you have, that belongs to your child or belongs to you.

I want to pay homage to that and I want to sit with the question of if it's a fear or judgment that belongs to someone else. [If the latter], I want you to give it back to them.

We're talking about letting people to have ownership of their own stuff.

Let your kid on their own journey. You are on your own journey. Let other people own their own journey.

If someone on the street were to come up to me and say, "Does this work?"

I'd be like, "Yeah," and then move on with my day because I'm not responsible [for their judgement of natural learning]. It's not my job to make them feel better about my life choices. They can feel however they want to feel about it. They get to own their feelings and their experience.

So now, does [natural learning] work?

The short answer is yes. I'm all about evidence-based practices. There's always evidence, depending on the question.

So for example, does unschooling work for math?

We have a lot of evidence that shows that the level of math anxiety that kids start college with actually puts them at a disadvantage, whereas kids who have had formal math instruction when they start college progress farther, faster.

In daily living, the average person only uses math up to about 5th or 6th grade. Any math beyond that is considered specialized math.

So for me, who runs a business and a family, I consider myself very successful. I live a very happy and fulfilling life. I don't use math beyond 5th grade math.

I know this us because I've gone through all of the math curriculum at various times with different children of mine, interested in learning different things. Beyond 5th grade math, I don't ever use it. I never, ever used it, even in grad school.

I use statistics a lot, and statistics is a pretty isolated specialty that has nothing to do with, say, geometry. I wasn't doing geometry at any point in college or grad school, so math beyond that is specialized.

If you have a need to learn something and a desire to learn something and you know how to learn, you can learn any of those things.

If a child around the age of sixth grade has never had any formal math instruction instruction at all, they can learn the first five years of math something like 20 instruction hours.

So, it takes 20 hours to learn K through 5 math if you are in sixth grade. Once your brain is a little older, you can learn this stuff really quickly and really easily.

If you had never been taught the days of the week -- no one ever sat you down with a chart and made you recite, "What day is it today? You know, there's a poster on the wall. Today is Monday."

It drives me crazy when I see teachers or homeschooling parents posting little videos or photos of them drilling their kids. Like, how do I get my kid to sit for this and they're not reciting it back to me.

Do you really think that your kid's going to reach adulthood having no concept of days of the week? As if their friends will say, "Hey, you want to meet up and hang out on Friday night?" And they're like, "What's Friday? My mom never taught me what Friday is."

If it's relevant to us, then we learn it. If there's like a gap in our knowledge or understanding, we're driven to understand it and to learn it and to know it. - Rachel Rainbolt on how motivation works in natural learning

What does it mean to you for it to "work?"

I'm curious what you mean by "work."

Does work mean that my kid goes to an Ivy League college?

It makes me curious about your definition of success because I would argue that my definition of success would be, for each kid, whatever their definition of success is.

Sarah of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting on context in natural learning

I love that so much. And I'm still giggling about your Friday night example, because that was classic.

Case in point about contextual and natural learning, I asked my seven-year-old daughter recently, "Hey, do you want to grab about a third of the pizza out of the fridge?"

I haven't taught her fractions, but she went and she figured out the pizza.

She realized, "Yeah, that's applicable to my life. I get to eat a third of a pizza right now." Fractions make sense in context.

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Rachel Rainbolt on what drives children to learn

Yes, and even as they get older that can include things like classes or more academic-type things. They're driven to do that because it's tied to a specific goal.

My teenager is very excited. She wants to be a lawyer and she's really excited to do this dual enrollment college program. So next fall, she'll start at the community college. 

She's taking an essay writing class through Brave writer. She's reverse engineered the skills that she wants to work on because it's connected to something meaningful that she wants for her life.

As they get older, even if things might look a little bit more academic or specific or focused, that's all unschooling. This is all self-driven based on what she wants for her life.

And that's a beautiful thing.

Watch Full Interview Here

Sarah of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting on following the child's passions

What a great example. Let me emphasize it for one more second for those who are reading or watching this. Your daughter 15 years old. She's ahead of her game academically if she's already looking at dual-credit scenarios, and that's from unschooling.

...

Rachel Rainbolt on her daughter's natural learning path

She took the entrance exams for that program when she was still 14 and she passed all of them.

So of course, yes, I believe al of my children are brilliant and wonderful, and they're totally normal children.

None of us would be categorized as having genius IQs. We're all totally normal. We have unschooled, and she passed all of those exams easily -- the same ones that all of her schooled peers are having to pass in order to get into this program.

Sarah of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting on natural learning for reading

We know that, naturally, reading can happen as young as three-ish, but it's also totally okay, in some scenarios, if a child doesn't learn to read until 10, 11, 12 -- that can still be totally within the realm of "normal." They can pick it up naturally without specific reading lessons. It's fascinating stuff.

But trusting in the kid's timeline is sometimes tricky.

Those of us who did grow up, you know, I called it a traditional brick-and-mortar school earlier, but that was really a misnomer because traditional school wasn't brick-and-mortar at all.

Traditional school was on the farm and it wasn't until 1918 that elementary school was even required in the United States.

This is all pretty new, relatively speaking.

Rachel Rainbolt on using interests as "doorways" 

Yes, and the man who passed that first compulsory education law homeschooled his own kids. Just to throw that out there!

My middle kid is passionate about sailing. It can be a doorway for accessing all of these other areas. Through that interest, he's doing all of these amazing things around the world, learning these amazing things, and whatever interest your kid has -- there's a doorway to get at all of other really important juicy life skill stuff through that interest

In terms of the reading thing you brought up, I just want to share a quick tip.

If you're struggling with the trust thing -- if you want more of something in  your family culture -- then embrace it for yourself.

So for example, if you want reading to be a more prominent part of your family culture, then read more books. Read aloud. Read books for pleasure in the middle of the house. While your kids are running around, you read. Have audiobooks playing when you're driving.

A lot of times, parents will come to me and say, "How do I get my kid to practice the piano? I want her playing piano every day."

I would say, "Well, it sounds to me like you want to play the piano, so you should play the piano." You turn a lot of this stuff back on yourself. If you're feeling like, "Oh, I want more of this," then do that for yourself.

And there's the role modeling piece. There's the home environment piece that you're bringing it into. There's the family culture piece and that's going to be a really powerful influence on the whole family system.

Related post: Child-Led Learning

Several months ago, we moved across the country. Among our myriad reasons for moving, we wanted to be closer to my cousin; my child's legal guardian should the unthinkable happen to my husband and me. It's important for my child to know this family well. We need each other; this familial connection.
 
My daughter knows this cousin of mine is the closest thing I'll ever have, at least biologically, to a sibling. We both love this human deeply and were floored by the amount of gratitude we felt to finally, after all these years, be able to fully embrace family, literally and figuratively. This was a connection for which we've always longed. My daughter felt it as much as I did.
 
Just weeks after our move, however, my cousin unexpectedly had to move far away to care for a very sick family member on her husband's side. 
 
My child, being an only child just like I was, was devastated. We're not exactly overflowing in the family department.
 
Of course my daughter has my husband and me, but there's nothing like having someone besides your parents love you and give you a sense of greater community.  We need each other. We're designed to thrive among one another.
 
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We need each other. 

For weeks after they moved away, my daughter would wake and call for me at night. She'd lean her tear-soaked face into my pajamas and choke out, "Why did they leave us?
 
She felt deserted. Abandoned. Isolated and confused. 
 
I did my best to hold space for her big feelings while also acknowledging and honoring my own.

I addressed the "why" honestly.

Seven years wise and an old soul, she's young enough to still be innocent and hopeful, but old enough to know that this life doesn't last forever. She knows that, oftentimes, we need each other urgently when someone's time on Earth is coming to an end. 

Although she understood the reason they left, the "logic" wasn't speaking to her gentle heart.

Logic rarely speaks directly to the heart.

As it turns out, the "surface" question of why they had to leave was the easy one to answer -- but there was more work to do. 

I realized I had to address what was underneath her question: her deeper and unanswered hurts. Her feelings of being left by these wonderful people whom she loves so dearly. Her stress of making many moves in her short seven years, never being able to fully "settle into connection" -- and having this hope evaporate once again before her beautiful blue eyes. 

She learned the hard truth that it's much easier to leave than to be left.  

The deeper questions she was subconsciously asking were these:
 
"Am I not worthy of someone I love staying with me?"
"Do I not matter as much?"
"Am I truly lovable to anyone besides you and Daddy?"
 
These are not the questions she needs to take into adolescence or adulthood; to absorb into the fiber of her self-worth.

She won't "grow into" loving herself if she measures her value on whether others stick around. 

Resultantly, we talked every day about how deeply she matters; how much my cousin would love to be here with us if she could. I helped her internalize the sadness that my cousin must be feeling having to leave under these circumstances. I helped her see their perspectives.
 
To replace hurt with empathy.
 
I reiterated that truly, we need each other. They need us, as much as we do, them. 
 
Further, I knew the importance of letting her watch me grieve -- and to accept the change without resentment.
 
I wanted her to see that this type of pain could be a peaceful companion until it moved on. 
 
She heard me say that I felt sad; that I sincerely miss my cousin. I modeled how to move through sadness and to return to the faith that love isn't about physical distance or geography. 
 
See also: FREE Interviews with Parenting and Child Development Experts
 
We showed her that love doesn't care how many miles it is between our hearts. We need each other, and it's healthy that we need each other.
 
More than anything, though, it was important that she start to feel a sense of cohesiveness in her new reality; to release the belief that others' actions determine her worth.
 
To do that, she also has to give. To put herself out there. To keep trying. 
 
We found online groups she could join; we established routines and found ways to spread kindness our new town.

We nurtured her sense of intrinsic value; her sense of belonging.

We wanted her to know that her worth comes in equal parts from what she gives and what she allows herself to receive.

Indeed, we need each other. When we're suffering, however, it's tempting to morph our sadness into a belief that others "should" need us more than they do; that they "should" seek us out. 

It's an emotional fallacy. 

It's actually a two-way street. We need each other because the very definition of community is mutual togetherness; mutual giving-ness

We keep giving anyway. And if someone leaves, our questions can be these:

"Will we allow ourselves to feel gratitude for what we did, and do, have?"

"Can we embrace the joy that still surrounds us and spill it out onto others?"

"Will we allow ourselves to receive what IS, even if the gifts that await aren't what we envisioned?"

"Are we any less whole because of someone else's choices?"

She matters simply because she IS. Her roots don't grow from someone else's tree.

After all, it's never just about "Why have I been hurt" -- it's also about "What can I do to grow and heal? What can I offer?"
 
Someday, someone else my child loves will leave her. That's how life works, even when it's not a departure by choice.
 
When it happens, though, she does not need to leave herself behind, too. Self-abandonment is far worse than watching someone go. 
 
She belongs. She always belongs. Her roots don't grow from someone else's tree.
 
Yes, we need each other. We need each other to see our already present wholeness.

These days, we need connection more than ever. We feel like we have talked about everything there is to talk about with our families, and sometimes we need a little help finding new and creative ways to stay emotionally connected -- even when we're spending 24/7 together. These family activities can help. 

Here are 3 family activities you can do to foster a sense of connection and community within your own home.

 

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Fun Family Activities: Idea #1 

One of the family activities we enjoy is to make up a story together at the dinner table.

The way we do this, is each person at the dinner table contributes one line to the story. You end up with all sorts of silliness.

So, for example, I, the mama, might come up with the first line of the story.

"Once upon a time, there was a king in the Kingdom of Serendipity, and he loved to play tennis."

And then I would pass the story to the next person in line, who would add a single sentence, and then so on around the table.

Again, you end up with all sorts of hilarious stories that you can share together. It is sure to be a good time.

Limited time offer: one FREE positive parenting mini-course! 

Fun Family Activities: Idea #2

Another game that we play -- often at the dinner table but can be anywhere -- sometimes this works really well in the car, too -- is the game of "Would you Rather."

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That is obviously not one that I made up, but it's a fun one to revisit with kids. Obviously for children, you want a clean and light-hearted version of it.

So you might say something like, "Would you rather ride a hippopotamus through the jungle or fly a singing airplane across the sky?"

The more imaginative you can make it, the more fun it is. This is something that kids can play from a really young age, and it's a great way to involve the whole family in fun, connecting discussion.

Fun Family Activities: Idea #3

The third and final suggestion that I have for you, you can do one of two ways.

I call it the happy memory game. In the happy memory game, everybody takes turns sharing a happy memory that they have about time you spent together as a family, or perhaps about one member of the family, even if it means a story from before the child was born. It's a way to help the child feel connected in the active memory-making process with the family.

Here is a twist that you can put on it. It is a lot of fun to do, as well. You can do the happy ALMOST memory game, where you share something real that happened -- but then you make up part of the story to make it a very silly tall tale.

Kind of like the storytelling, sometimes you build upon it, and next thing you know, you have a story that is based on a real-life event, but you managed to make it a fantastic and exceptional and some entertaining way.

One example might be -- here's a true story. "Once upon a time, I took a ferry boat to an island off the coast of Australia and there I saw..."

Up till that point it's true, but my child might add, "Saw a dinosaur!" And then we can continue the story in whatever silly and fantastic way we want to.

We can do it round robin, or we can just make it up as we go along, but it's a really fun way to get started with memory-making and then make it silly.

I hope these family activities bring some joy to your home. 

 

This is an excerpt from an interview with Dr. Ross Greene, author of The Explosive Child and other phenomenal books for parents and caregivers.

If you'd like to watch our full interview about parenting the explosive child and collaborative parenting, you can do that here:

Watch Full Interview Here

Sarah of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting

Hello. I am Sarah with Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting, and today I am thrilled to be talking with Dr. Ross Greene, author of all sorts of wonderful books, not the least of which is, of course, The Explosive Child.

Also, make sure to check out Raising Human Beings and Lost at School.

Ross, thank you so much for being here today.

Dr. Ross Greene, author of The Explosive Child

My pleasure.

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Sarah of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting

Let's dive right in to discussing the explosive child. As we know, children naturally express big feelings sometimes. It is biologically and developmentally normal.

However, how do we know when we have the explosive child, or an implosive child, or any of the other ways that behavioral challenges can manifest? How do we know when we're dealing with something that is outside the realm of what most parents are dealing with?

Dr. Ross Greene on The Explosive Child (or Implosive Child) -- and How You Know When You Have One

Well, it's a very interesting question because it's a bit subjective. And it's not only about what's quote-unquote "normal" in a kid.

It's about what a parent's tolerance is for how their child is reacting to life's problems and frustrations.

I don't worry too much about the explosive child / the implosive child. Those are not real categories.

I worry about, "How is my kid doing? How do I feel my kid is doing? Is my kid responding to life less well than I was hoping they would, maybe by comparison to other kids, or by comparison to my own other kids? Is my kid struggling more than I would like them to be?" - Dr. Ross Greene, The Explosive Child

I would say that those are the questions I'd rather be asking myself as a parent, rather than relying on categories that are kind of artificial.

If you think your kid's doing well, I'm probably going to believe you. If your kid is struggling, I'm probably going to believe you there, too.

Sarah of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting and Healthy Expression of Anger

That's a really important distinction, and I like how you put the onus on the parent to really know their child. This is not about a textbook definition anywhere. This is about a relationship.

Let's talk about anger, specifically, related to the explosive child. I have heard many times that anger is oftentimes the shield for other emotions. What's really going on when a child expresses anger on a regular basis?

Dr. Ross Greene on Reframing Anger

Well, I don't know that I would call it the shield. I would say that it is the

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way the kid is communicating something to us. That's very important.

What they're communicating is that there are expectations they're having difficulty meeting. Period. 

And that starts to get really interesting because anger is not the only way that a kid can communicate to us that they're having difficulty meeting certain expectations.

Anxiety can be an expression of [a child struggling to meet expectations]. Depression can be an expression of the same thing. Different kids have different ways of communicating to us that there's a certain expectation that they're having difficulty meeting, whether it's something as seemingly benign as difficulty brushing teeth before going to bed at night, or as seemingly grave as difficulty coming in for curfew by midnight. 

The bottom line is the way we adults communicate with our kids about our values, our experience, and our wisdom is through our expectations. - Dr. Ross Greene, The Explosive Child

And if a kid is meeting our particular expectation, then we have what's known as compatibility and things are going okay.

But if a kid is not meeting a particular expectation, once again, whether that's related to teeth brushing or some other aspect of hygiene or school work or curfew or who they're hanging out with, now we have what's known as incompatibility. And we have a problem that needs to be solved.

So, I wouldn't call anger a shield because that would make it sound like the kid is saying to us, "Don't come any closer." I think anger is saying to us, "There's an expectation I'm having difficulty meeting," as I said earlier.

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That's where it gets complicated because the kid may be having difficulty meeting the expectation because they are just not capable of reliably meeting it at this point.

...Sometimes we adults put expectations on kids that kids aren't even close to being able to meet. Sometimes adults put expectations on kids that we think they should meet but we have no idea why. Those are expectations not worth having. - Dr. Ross Greene, The Explosive Child

So that's where, in my role with families, I'm actually helping parents sort that stuff out. And sometimes the most important question I can ask is, "Why do you have that expectation for your kid?" And if the answer is "I don't know," then I'm frequently saying, "Well, if you don't know why you have that expectation for your kid, then I don't know why you have that expectation."

So life gets interesting when it gets into expectations that we adults have for kids and a kid's capacity to meet that expectation reliably.

Sarah of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting 

What an important shift it is to reframe that, because

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oftentimes it really is about -- be it our inner child or something else that we're processing as an adult -- something that we think "should" be a certain way.

I do air quotes with "should" because we all have so many of the "shoulds." Often, they're not rooted in reality as far as who our child actually is and what they should be doing in our mind's eye.

Dr. Ross Greene on Expectations

Correct. And if you ask me, "Ross, in the 2000 families that you've worked with over the last whatever number of years, what have you seen cause conflict most often?" And this applies to schools, as well: putting expectations on kids that we already know cannot reliably meet them.

There's a whole mentality out there that you've got to make the kids stretch. You've got to push the kid -- to the point that it's ruining your relationship with the kid. Now, things are bass-ackwards, right?

You're sacrificing your relationship with your kid because you want them to stretch? I've got ways to help your kids stretch that are not going to sacrifice your relationship along with it. - Dr. Ross Greene, The Explosive Child

Sarah of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting on the Comparison Game

That is so important because relationship comes first. Everything else is secondary. I'm so glad that you have that philosophy and that's what you share with parents, because that really is a major shift from what a lot of us come into this parenting role thinking.

We think we're supposed to guide, and push, and what have you -- but just because one kid did something doesn't necessarily mean another child will. They're all individuals.

Dr. Ross Greene on Guidance and Helping Kids "Stretch"

Correct.

And you know what? Guidance is great if there's compatibility, right? If your kid is responding well to your guidance, you're good to go. If your kid is not responding well to your guidance, you've got a problem to solve.

Sarah of Dandelion Seeds on Depression and Anxiety

Exactly. You mentioned two words that make parents' ears perk up -- anxiety and depression -- as those relate to expectations and the explosive child.

Where do we start to see, or where should we start to see red flags? What kinds of things can we be watching out for to know, "Oh, maybe this is an expectations issue versus something else."

Dr. Ross Greene on Recognizing Red Flags

Well, I think that would be the first question that I would ask the minute I see my kid having difficulty. My first question is, "How do I understand that difficulty?"

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And by the way, in kids, while occasionally the anxiety is general -- anxious about everything -- more often, the anxiety is about specific things. And if the anxiety's about specific things, then that's totally consistent with my model.

It gives us the opportunity to check in with the kid. "I've noticed that you've been having difficulty going to birthday parties that your friends are inviting you to. What's up?" "I've noticed you've been having difficulty sleeping in your own bed at night. What's up?" "I've noticed that you've looked kind of sad lately, especially when you're doing homework that you're struggling with. What's up?"

So the signs -- this is why we don't want to think of anger as a shield -- the sign is kind of an invitation to inquire further. If a kid is globally depressed; globally anxious, that could be something different, but that's actually not most kids.

In most kids, anxiety is more situational a good part of the time. And now we can look at these specific situations in which the kid is looking anxious, nervous, worried, scared, blue, irritable -- and inquire. - Dr. Ross Greene, The Explosive Child

And the beauty of that is you don't have to figure it out all on your own. 

Your kid is sending you a signal. Ask.

You do not have to figure it out on your own. Ask.

Sarah of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting on Working Alongside our Children

That is one of the things that I appreciate so very deeply as a parent myself, because back to the concept that this is always about a relationship.

It's not all on us to solve. We are not responsible for "solving" our children. We work with them. We collaborate with them. When we engage in ongoing dialogue -- and that is the key to their hearts, and the key to demystifying a lot of these issues that we see in our daily lives.

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Dr. Ross Greene on Better Understanding Our Children

And not only demystifying it for the kid like, "You know what? I can understand you being anxious about that." "I can understand that making you sad."

But also demystifying it for ourselves.

The more we guess [what's going on for our kids without talking to them], the more of a mystery it is. Because we guess wrong a lot. And the more wrong we guess, the more mystified we are about what's really going on. Ask. Demystify it for yourself. Demystify it for your kid. Ask. - Dr. Ross Greene, The Explosive Child

Let's figure out together what's really going on. Parents feel so much pressure to not only figure it out on their own, but to have all the answers at the ready -- it really gets in the way of asking.

Sarah of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting on Emotional Outbursts

This is a really critical point.

Let's talk a little bit about outbursts and the explosive child (or the implosive child). You know, we sometimes have a child who either has a big emotional outburst and it comes out as aggression or in some other way that is suboptimal.

Or, our child implodes and they cry, and all of a sudden, they sink into this pit of emotional despair. But either way, there's been a big "something." Oftentimes, we see that that same child will, for example, go and quickly want to read a book or do something to kind of cover up or hide behind what just happened.

At least on the outside, it appears that they're covering up. Sometimes parents are tempted to look at that as a form as of escapism.

And I would like to help reframing that a little bit. Let's talk about regulation and co-regulation and why sometimes kids might actually need to seemingly shut down a little bit after something like that, before they can re-engage.

And conversely, when is that perceived escapism something to worry about?

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Dr. Ross Greene on Perceived Escapism and Co-Regulation

That's an interesting question because I like to prove that the expectations that kids are having difficulty meeting are predictable.

And in the CPS model, Collaborative and Proactive Solutions, we use an instrument called the assessment of lagging skills and unsolved problems to help us identify the expectations that a kid is having difficulty meeting.

In many cases, it is the same expectations every day, every week that the child is having trouble meeting. If it's the same expectations every day and every week, and they're not surprising, they're predictable, they can be solved proactively. - Dr. Ross Greene, The Explosive Child

And now, the escapism part doesn't matter so much because if it's a high priority expectation, then we're solving the problem with the kid and the kid isn't going to cry. The kid isn't going to explode. The kid isn't going to implode. The kid isn't going to escape if it's a problem that we've already solved.

The only time those things would come into play is on a problem that isn't solved yet.

With some of the kids that I work with, when we first identify unsolved problems, there are like 40 or 50 of them, right? Because they do tend to stack up when they don't get solved. They stacked up slowly, but surely we're chipping away at the unsolved problems.

And so if I were to see a kid doing something that I might interpret as escapism or something that doesn't really require interpretation, like he's exploding or is imploding, right? My mentality is "Okay, what was that about?"

It wouldn't be over a problem that we solved yet, unless the solution is no longer working. It could only be about a problem that we haven't solved yet or haven't identified yet.

My mentality would be less, "I don't want them to escape" and more "Well, what's the next problem that we need to solve together?" I don't have to worry so much about imploding, exploding or escaping.

What I'm just paying attention to are the expectations my kid's having difficulty meeting. Seldom are they surprising. The only ones that aren't solved yet are the ones we haven't tried to solve yet. Let's get to work. - Dr. Ross Greene, The Explosive Child

Sarah of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting on Evolving Expectations

I love that you mentioned solutions that aren't working anymore for the explosive child, or the one who handles their big feelings in other ways. Perhaps sometimes we have solved a problem, and as parents, it's tempting to think, "But I already fixed that. Please don't make me fix it again. I don't know what to do this time."

Relationships are dynamic. Our children our dynamic. They are always growing and evolving right before our very eyes, and the challenge for us is to do that alongside them and modify the solutions as the problem manifests differently, correct?

Dr. Ross Greene on Supporting Our Children's Natural Development

Totally. And along those lines, number one, expectations also evolve, right? We don't have static expectations. The expectations we have for a kid when our kid is three are completely different than the expectations we have for a kid when our kid is seven.

Expectations change. Solutions don't always stand the test of time [with the explosive child or any child]. But most importantly, as a parent, it is not your job to fix anything.

It is your job to collaborate with your kid on solving things. - Dr. Ross Greene of The Explosive Child

And that's not totally on you because so long as it's totally on you, your kid's not going to know how to do it.

Engage your kids in the process of fixing problems with them. If your kid learns that you're the fixer, how's your kid going to learn how to solve the problems that affect his or her life? - Dr. Ross Greene of The Explosive Child

So you're not in the fixing business anymore. You're in the collaborating business.

Sarah of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting on Whether This Approach "Expires"

It's that collaboration with ongoing connection, that is really the only thing that we can reliably turn to whether a child is three or seven or 17 or 77 -- it's really just connection and collaboration no matter what the stage, yes?

Dr. Ross Greene on Ongoing Collaboration

Correct.

Now you can connect with your kids over things that are not problems. Like if you can go take your kid to a baseball game and you two are connecting because you're having a good time together. That's connecting.

So I would not say that all connecting is collaborating, but I would say that in my experience, when you're collaborating with your kid, you are definitely connecting.

Sarah of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting on Walking on Eggshells with Our Kids

Many of us who are raising the explosive child, or emotionally sensitive children in general, feel as if we spend a lot of time walking on eggshells, and that is certainly not a place that is empowering for us.

That comes from a place of anxiety and all sorts of other stuff that we don't necessarily want to be perpetuating within the walls of our homes.

So, for the parent who is struggling with "I don't know what to expect next," for our own expectations, how can we help regulate our own nervous systems and parent with confidence -- parent with connection -- not being afraid of the next, "Oops, I upset my child again, and here it's about to get ugly for the next three hours."

Dr. Ross Greene on Addressing Unsolved Problems

Well, it's interesting, because my definition of walking on eggshells has always been that you don't know when your kid's going to get upset next, because you still haven't organized the effort.

This is not criticism, but in when I'm working with parents, it's mostly because we haven't yet figured out what the kid's unsolved problems are.

So we're just waiting for the shoe to drop, right? That's the definition of walking on eggshells.

When you do know what your kid's unsolved problems are, you know when the shoe is going to drop, right? Now, you're not walking on eggshells anymore. - Dr. Ross Greene of The Explosive Child

I find that walking on eggshells is what we say about kids who we still feel are not predictable. But when you're identifying your kid's lagging skills and unsolved problems, your kid is not unpredictable anymore.

Your kid is now very predictable, and not only have you embarked on the process of systematically and incrementally solving those problems, you have a tool solving those problems collaboratively. It is not going to set your kid off, generally speaking. It helps your kid feel a sense of agency.

You're not walking on eggshells anymore. You know exactly what's getting in your kid's way. And the more problems you solve, the less your kid is reacting to those problems in a way that makes you feel like the shoe is about to drop. So, that's what walking on eggshells means to me.

I don't know when it's going to happen again. I just know that it is, but I don't know what it's going to be over.

In this model, you know exactly when your kid's going to get upset again because you've identified that stuff proactively and you're intervening proactively. - Dr. Ross Greene of The Explosive Child

Sarah of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting on Abandoning Fear-Based Parenting

That's precisely one of the things that I do love about your model because it is not fear-based parenting. It is truly collaborative parenting; it is knowing the child, knowing the self as a parent, and figuring out what is this relationship -- so that there are no major surprises here, with the explosive child or any child.

When there aren't major surprises, we don't have to be afraid of any of it.

Dr. Ross Greene on Predictability

That's correct.

And that's the beauty. If there is anything beautiful about the fact that the kid is getting upset about pretty much the same stuff every day and every week -- I mean, there's something not beautiful about that -- but there's something beautiful about that and that is that makes your kid very predictable.

Now, some parents listening to this will say, "Everything?"

How about 99%? I will leave room for the 1% that truly surprises you, but the vast majority of things our kid is getting upset about have happened many, many, many times before, right?

He's not eating what you made for dinner. He's not brushing his teeth before he goes to bed at night. He's having difficulty coming in for dinner when you tell them to turn off the Xbox. He's having difficulty waking up for school in the morning.

This is the debris of living with chronically unsolved problems, right?

There's just not that much novelty in what kids are struggling with; and therefore, not much need for walking on eggshells, so long as you're identifying those problems.

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