Boundaries Don’t Have to Hurt

Boundaries don’t have to hurt. Earlier today, I was finishing up an interview slightly later than my daughter’s and my normal lunchtime. As soon as my daughter heard me finish recording, she opened my office door with some chocolate, partially eaten, in her hand.

“I got hungry, Mama. Is it okay that I’m having this?”

I replied, “Thank you for asking! Reality is that you’re already eating it, and I won’t argue with reality, so I’m glad you addressed your need to eat. Let’s get you some savory and more nutrient-dense food to balance it.”

While I was cooking lunch, she brought some more chocolate over to me and asked if she could eat it before the savory food was ready. I told her that lunch would be ready in just a few more seconds, and to help keep her blood sugar balanced, I wanted her to wait until after lunch to have more chocolate.

I invited her to put the chocolate on her plate so she’d remember to eat it. (As if she’d forget, right?) [Notice that this is a limit along WITH a “yes” — a win/win.]

I served lunch immediately thereafter. Before she started eating lunch, she asked a second time if she could have the chocolate first.

Before I could even answer, she asked again. Curious about her uncharacteristic persistence, I raised an eyebrow to indicate I was wondering where she was coming from.

Understanding my intent, she explained, “Mama, I heard somewhere that ‘the third time’s the charm,’ so I thought I’d just go ahead and ask three times to see what would happen.”

I laughed. She laughed, too, then asked a fourth time, “You know, just in case they were wrong and it’s actually the FOURTH time that’s the charm.”

Both feeling lighthearted about it, I played along and we kept asking each other until we were in made-up numbers (“Is the gazillionth time the charm?”)

After all that, she ate her lunch then enjoyed her chocolate. Notice that I only once asked her to wait to eat it. She waited. We didn’t have to have a power struggle about it. I could stand my ground peacefully, and she dealt with it.

After lunch and chocolate, she offered, “Mama, thanks for the chocolate earlier. Just so you know, I realize that even when you say ‘no’ or ‘not right now’ about something like this, it’s only because you care about my health. Thank you.”

Boundaries can feel peaceful, and we *should* listen and get curious when our children want something — negotiation is a life skill.

In this case, I didn’t bend on my preference, but it landed peacefully enough for her that neither of us had to feel upset about it.

Boundaries, much like this one did, can even exist amidst laughter and lightheartedness. Let’s stop acting as if boundaries are something we “do” to a child and that discomfort has to be part of the process. That’s simply not true.

With love,

Sarah, author of “Peaceful Discipline” and lover of good chocolate ❤️