Learning to Self-Advocate (Written by a Recovering People Pleaser)

Well, I messed up again! 

We were out at a restaurant for lunch the other day. When our food came, I was happy with my meal. My husband was also relatively happy. Our daughter, however, was not enjoying her meal (and I can’t blame her – it did not look particularly good).

I’d been proud of her — she’d ordered something that was slightly out of her comfort zone. Yay! 

But she was not “rewarded” with a meal she enjoyed. 

I offered validation for her feelings. ✅

I promised her she could have something else as soon as we got home. ✅

I asked her if she could temporarily make do with the chips that came as her side dish. 🤔

When the very kind server came over to ask how everything was, I responded, “Great! Thanks so much!” 🚫

At some point, most of us — and sometimes, especially for girls, but not always — were raised to be “nice.”

That meant not complaining.

That meant not speaking up.

That meant pretending everything was fine, even when it wasn’t.

That meant settling for less than what we wanted, lest we risk ruffling feathers. 

My husband and I ate quickly, our child did, indeed, “make do” with the chips, and we headed out immediately. 

Once we were in the emotional safety of the car on the way home, I owned my mistake and apologized. ✅ I truly felt awful about how I’d handled it.

If I’d had it to do over again, I’d have said something to the server like, “Thanks for checking! My husband and I are enjoying our meals, but my daughter is wishing she’d ordered [x], instead, as the [other food] doesn’t taste like she expected it would. Can we please get an order of [other food] for her? Of course, we’ll pay for it, since we’re the ones making the change.” 

That would’ve been easy enough to do, even as a recovering people pleaser. 

I told my daughter exactly what I would’ve said. Not only is it practice for her to hear it — she needs to know she CAN and SHOULD self-advocate — but it’s practice for me, too. 

I did make things right with her, of course. 

And in the meantime, we keep growing — learning how to find and use our voices in peaceful ways that ALSO include self-advocacy.

And we KEEP practicing, And growing some more, because we are ALL works in progress. I know I am, and that’s okay. I embrace it, and the “win” is in recognizing it and making things as right as we can.

xo,

Sarah, author of “Peaceful Discipline”