Growth Mindset: Shopping With a Child Who Wants Something They Can’t Have

Sarah R. Moore

November 10, 2018

Knowing her grandparents will soon be asking for gift ideas for our daughter, my husband and I decided to take our five year old window shopping today. As usual and as I’ve written about before, we began with the caveat that although we wouldn’t buy anything, we’d take pictures of what she likes so that we’re sure to remember. This approach has pretty much been golden for us since she was two, and learning to delay gratification has contributed well to her growth mindset.

Today, however, she was really short on sleep. Even for me, an adult, a lack of sleep thwarts even the very best laid plans. Still, we pursued our endeavor to leave the house.

Upon entering the store, our child uncharacteristically said, “I’ve decided we’re not just going to look at toys. We’re going to buy some for me today to take home.” I gently and clearly reminded her of our mission. And I hoped for the best.

We made it past the greeting card aisle and into the craft aisle. On display with the crafts, they were selling a sewing machine for kids. She picked it up and announced, “This is what we’re buying for me today. Let’s go check out now.”

Oh, dear. We were only in the second aisle. And we really, really weren’t going to buy anything.

I wish I had a dime for every time I’d seen a parent in a similar predicament. I’d be able to buy a thousand sewing machines. Regardless, this was really unlike her.

I acknowledged how much she wanted it and reminded her that we’d put it on her list. I took a picture of it, and for good measure, so did my husband.

She announced that she would carry it through the store with us until it was time to check out, and then we’d buy it. I let her know that she’d be welcome to carry it through the store, but that we’d put it back on the shelf before leaving. Setting expectations upfront usually does wonders for keeping things mutually agreeable. However, the “mutually” wasn’t happening here today. So, I presented it as a loving limit and took the time to discuss and validate how she felt.

Sure enough, she chose to carry it through the store, anyway. She had no interest in looking at any other toys. We stopped to look at some decorations and at a few items for my husband, but that was it. She wanted to go no farther, though, so we returned to the craft aisle, the sewing machine still firmly in her grip.

We had nowhere else to be, so we did a bit of emotion coaching to help her. However, it was still a no-go for her. She said she’d wait there “forever” until we bought it. Taking it from her forcefully would do nothing for her emotional intelligence, our connection, or her growth mindset. So we waited, letting her feelings be what they were, and trusting that this was temporary.

After awhile, I asked her to think of a way she’d be willing to leave it at the store. Because she wasn’t in an emotional place to think logically right then, I offered her the options of either putting it back right away or walking toward the exit while she held onto it, until we reached the checkout area. At that point, her option would be to hand it to my husband to put back before we reached the door. She chose the latter. And for whatever reason, she quickly put the sewing machine back on the shelf where it belonged. However, she grabbed a unicorn craft that was nearby and held onto it just as steadfastly.

Clearly it wasn’t about the toy for her; it was about the process of working within limits.

However, near the checkout area, she changed her mind and wouldn’t relinquish it. At that point, I shared a story with her about a time when I was little and didn’t get a toy I wanted. Her demeanor changed. She softened. For the first time in awhile, she looked me in the eyes and connected. She felt understood.

Shortly thereafter, she offered, “I don’t want to put it back on the shelf. I want to put it somewhere…else.”

I replied, “It’s too hard to take it back to the craft aisle. You want to put it somewhere different.”

“Yes. I want to hide it and see if Daddy can find it.”

Fortunately, because she’s five, her hiding places often include instructions such as, “Please don’t look behind the chair.”

She looked resolved, proud of having solved the problem herself. All she needed was the time and emotional support to do it.  So, off we set on a short mission to find the perfect hiding place for it. After testing a few options, she settled on setting it between the feet of a mannequin. She promptly informed her Daddy not to look there. (Daddy, of course, returned it to its proper place once we were out of sight, and she confirmed later that it was exactly what she’d wanted him to do.)

And off we went to the car; her, sad but accepting, growing in her ability to solve problems. Even among the shiny objects; even when sleep deprived, she found a way to do it that was mutually agreeable. We can both sleep well tonight.

White dandelion seeds icon
Lead Magnet Form

Stay in Touch

Thanks for being here! Signing up here gives you access to one FREE evidence-based mini-course and access to exclusive content.


WHAT ELSE WOULD SUPPORT YOU? (check 1 or more below):


White dandelion seeds icon

Recent Articles

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Vestibulum dictum sapien sit amet vehicula finibus. Aliquam erat volutpat

strong willed|strong willed|strong willed

Raising a Strong Willed Child: Top 2 Things They Need from You Today

If you’re raising a young person who’s strong willed, it can certainly be challenging. This type of child’s powerful will…

Read Article
|family of origin|

When Family of Origin is Tricky: 3 Important Steps to Take Toward Healing

I was well into adulthood and fairly new to parenting when I realized how complicated my family of origin was.…

Read Article
reparent yourself|reparent yourself|reparent yourself|reparent yourself|reparent yourself|reparent yourself

Reparent Yourself: 5 Ways to Find Deeper Peace and Release Childhood Wounds

When people say it’s important to “reparent yourself,” they’re referring to your ability to show up for yourself in the…

Read Article
pushing boundaries||pushing boundaries|pushing boundaries|goal setting with kids|pushing boundaries

Child Pushing Boundaries? 3 Ways to Guide Them with Love & Without Losing Your Cool

How would you feel if I told you pushing boundaries is developmentally normal for children, and in fact, it’s healthy?…

Read Article
spare the rod

Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child: 3 Reasons it Doesn’t Mean What Most Think it Does

Many of us have heard the expression, “Spare the rod, spoil the child.” It’s common justification for punitive consequences for…

Read Article
parent goals|parent goals|parent goals|parent goals|parent goals|parent goals|parent goals

Parent Goals: 3 Effective Ways to Feel Closer to Your Kids for Life

Parent goals: “Have a perfect relationship where everyone feels emotionally connected all the time. Life is always one beautiful, smooth…

Read Article