What I’d Say to My Earlier Parenting Self

I was chatting with one of my lifelong best friends the other day and she reminded me of something poignant. 

She reminded me of the time she came to visit when my child was only six weeks old (well over a decade ago). She told me that I’d said I was feeling guilty for not being very “present” while taking care of my baby, due to complete and utter exhaustion. 

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The guilt starts early, doesn’t it? I’d been a new mom for all of six weeks and I was already giving myself a hard time.

What I’d love to say to my former self is something like this: 

“Oh, sweetheart.” (Would I call my former self “sweetheart?” I don’t know.) 

“Do you know how WELL you were doing? You had no real support system. You had no roadmap whatsoever. You had no real ‘village’ — at least not the kind who could help out at 3 a.m. Most of your friends were friends from your single days, and were in a very different life stage. Literally no one in your ‘circle’ had a baby or little kid. Your husband was there, but his brother had just passed away, so he and his family were understandably quite busy grieving. He certainly loved the baby, too, but he *could not* be fully there, and I completely accept that with huge empathy for his experience.”

“Still, it was YOU, new mama, who was almost single-handedly responsible for this tiny, fragile creature you birthed and now loved beyond measure. Your body was still recovering. Baby was cluster feeding despite major nursing challenges. You had severe postpartum anxiety and didn’t know it yet. You’d essentially been awake for weeks on end with no respite. You were afraid of so much, and you were getting so much bad and conflicting advice. It was a LOT. Of COURSE you weren’t very ‘present’ – you didn’t even feel like you were in your own body.”

“And I’d bet that IF you’d been able to ask your baby at the time, she’d have said this: ‘My mama is LOVE’.” 

I have huge compassion for this former mama self of mine. Having my child was one of my most significant “re-births” — it was the start of becoming the mama who now STILL sometimes feels guilty for not being present enough, but who still loves my child beyond measure. 

I wonder if someday, I’ll look back at my today-self and say, “Oh, sweetheart. Do you see how much you DID? How much you held while also carrying a whole heck of a lot? Do you know that your child loved/loves you so, SO much? Do you see how well you love?” 

Perhaps my future self will be gentle with my today-self. And maybe, just maybe, I can give myself some of that compassion now. 

Maybe I’ll try that.