Where Honesty Begins
Sarah R. Moore
October 27, 2023
“Oh no, Mama,” my daughter said to me late last night.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“I accidentally took this napkin from the restaurant where we had dinner tonight. I grabbed it when I picked up my sweater and didn’t realize I was holding it.”
We’re on vacation. It was WAY past my child’s bedtime, we’d had a VERY long day of travel, and driving back to the restaurant that late at night wasn’t feasible. Even without parking or what seems to be around-the-clock traffic near where we’re staying, it’s a 25-minute drive back, and nowhere near anything else we want or need to do while we’re here.
Still, it’s a moral dilemma: the napkin isn’t ours and the restaurant certainly has a hundred more just like it. On the other hand, the napkin isn’t ours. Period. Plus, she didn’t mean to take it.
We agreed to talk about it in the morning and come up with a plan.
This morning, my daughter was clear on her answer. She wanted to forgo our other vacation plans for today so we could go back and return the napkin. Although it was “just” a napkin, it’s also one of those pivotal moments in childhood that shapes identity. Does the child see herself as an honest person? Or someone who will take the easy way out? Does she believe other people might possibly care about what’s gone missing (no matter what it is), or make the assumption that everything’s replaceable and disposable? Will she self-identify as having a strong moral compass?
It’s not “just” a napkin. It represents all of this and more, in one small cloth square. These are defining and pivotal moments in a child’s mind.
I did the only thing that felt right to do. I said, “Of course, let’s go return it — and I’m proud of you for making that choice.”
When we arrived back at the restaurant, she asked me what she should say about it to the people who work there. We brainstormed a couple of ideas. I could tell she felt anxious.
Finally, she asked, “Can we please just leave it on a table where they’re sure to see it?”
Yes, of course. I would not make her apologize or tell anyone what she’d done. She was making the choice to return it, and it was an honest mistake. I didn’t need to drive home the lesson and shame her for making a mistake by “making her confess.” She’d already done what she needed to do to clear her conscience. This wasn’t for me, or for the restaurant people, or anyone else. This moment was for her.
Kids really can and do make good choices when we let life be the teacher, and when we trust their instincts to do what’s right — even if it’s not always convenient for us. Either we’re trusting their moral compass or we’re not.
They’re worthy. They’re doing the best they can, and they really do want to do well.
I share this as a reminder that children can do all the right things of their own accord, when we let them.. I ALSO share it as a small case study to show that even children who are never punished — only guided with compassion — can still turn out to be really good and decent humans.
It’s never “just” a napkin. It’s a teacher about who they are and the kind of person they want to be.
With love,
Sarah, author of “Peaceful Discipline” ❤️
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