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Due to my Mom’s work as an international model and actress, I spent most of my formative years surrounded by some of the World’s Most Beautiful People. Some, like my Mom, just happened to be beautiful on the inside, too, but that certainly wasn’t the case for everyone. Couple my surroundings with my passion for ballet and the level of fitness that ballet requires, along with normal peer pressure to look good, and I developed kind of a skewed perception of what makes a beautiful body. Sure, I had enough self-esteem to get by, but it was tricky territory.

With that as the backdrop, I’ve been very intentional with my daughter about the subjects of beauty and self-confidence. Although I’m not a model for magazines, I most certainly am her role model. I’m her Mommy. When she sees me look at my face or body in the mirror, I want her to see a woman who accepts every bit of her physical self (or, at least, a woman who’s gentle with herself).

My only option, as I see it, is to demonstrate what self-esteem looks like and hope she’ll follow suit.

Awhile back, I wrote about my daughter’s and my first “official” discussion about beauty and its effect on her self-esteem. Ever since that day, we’ve openly and often talked about healthy bodies, exercise, and nutrition. We read wonderful books about liking ourselves (afflink), and as far as I can tell, she’s growing in self-love and confidence. Most of all, we’ve discussed inner beauty. Focusing on the qualities that contribute to who we are and what we believe is so much more important than how we look. That’s what matters, right? All the external stuff is fleeting.

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Like it or not, though, exterior beauty comes up---even when we minimize its importance at home.

My child has seen me put on makeup and has asked me why I do it. I work to keep my answer as low key as possible. I’ve never mentioned wanting too look or feel prettier. I’ve intentionally divorced it from how I depict self-worth. I usually say something along the lines of “I just like to wear it,” or “I’ve worn it since I was young, so it’s habit.” Up until today, she acted as if she bought it.

I should’ve known better. Kids always seem to know when there’s more to the story.

As I waited for her to finish her breakfast today, I pulled out my makeup bag at the table and started applying concealer.

“Why are you doing that, Mommy?”

I replied with one of my trusty fallback lines.

To my surprise, she responded, “Mommy, I don’t think you need it to be more beautiful. I think you’re pretty just as you are. What matters is that you’re kind, and you’re kind with or without makeup.”

My heart melted at her sweet statement. Shortly thereafter, my inner voice replied, “But I still need makeup.” Outwardly, I just looked at her and smiled. I thanked her.

I know I’ve never told her that I wear it to make myself prettier. I sincerely don’t know where she got the idea.

Of course, she knows what makeup is for. Or rather, what society told us it’s for.

Holding my lipstick in limbo halfway between my makeup bag and my face, I thought about what she was really saying. I realized that she was watching closely to see whether I agreed or disagreed with her. Despite what I tell her, what makes me feel good about my appearance? Is it something internal or external? I knew this would be one of those “teachable moments” about self-esteem and self-worth.

At the risk of sounding completely vain, I struggled briefly with what to do. I mentally catalogued who we’d see that day, and to what extent I wanted to look “a certain way.” Now, my “certain way” is fine, but I stress–I’m quite regular looking and currently quite sun deprived.

I paused. Then, I did what any self-respecting woman would do. I said, “You’re right. I don’t need makeup to be pretty.”

And we went about our day, both of us makeup-less and genuinely happy about it–-her, because she’s little, and me, because I’m her role model. If I’m going to tell her that what matters most is inner beauty, then I need to live it, especially when she’s watching. And asking.

This was a test. It didn’t matter who we’d see today.

It was about whether I’m comfortable in my own skin, and whether I actually mean what I’ve been teaching her about beauty.

We both know I’ll wear makeup again, and that’s fine, too. Sometimes I’ll even put on fancy jewelry or break out my “good jeans” (hey, I’m a Mom).

I felt more free today than I have for awhile–not because I lacked makeup, but because my child gave me an opportunity to overthrow my old way of thinking. There’s nothing I “need” to do just because I’ve always done it. She helped me escape my own hypocrisy, telling her one thing but holding myself to a different standard. I’m thankful that my daughter continues to teach me what’s really important. I’m glad she’s holding me to what I attempt to teach her about self-esteem. She has every right to do that.

A couple of weeks ago, my four-year-old child was looking admiringly at the cover of a Cinderella coloring book. She's had it for half her life. Until now, she'd always been more interested in the scenes overall than in the individual princesses. And she's certainly never addressed anything about her body image. This time, however, she matter-of-factly announced, "Mommy, this girl is the most beautiful girl in the world. I'm not that beautiful."

I paused, with a sinking feeling in my gut, to absorb the news that the inevitable had happened. My child was comparing her looks to others'--even if the "other" was Cinderella--and finding hers inferior. Her tone was one of factual observation more than one of self-deprecation. However, I knew it was the precursor to what women everywhere are up against: the pressure to look whatever way society thinks is beautiful. People judge us on our appearances alone; people who don’t even know us, much less love us.

As soon as we're old enough to realize it, we see these things that affect our body image and self-worth. And we judge ourselves accordingly.

This mama's wish--and the wish of nearly every other mama I know--is that our children would live in a world that rises above that mentality. With my heart in my stomach, I took a breath before responding. Doing my best to summon everything I've studied about respectful parenting as it relates to body image, I neutrally responded, "Baby girl, that's interesting. Tell me more."

She proceeded to tell me everything she found lovely about Cinderella. When she finished, I acknowledged her closing statement with "Yes, I like the color of her dress, too." I continued, "Do you know what I really like, that you can’t see in any picture? In fact, I think it's what makes someone truly beautiful, more than anything else could."

"What is that, Mommy?"

"Kindness. Some people say it's nice to look a certain way on the outside, but kindness is the greatest kind of beauty. It has nothing to do with what someone looks like. Unlike appearance, which changes over time, kindness can last someone's entire life."

"Oh."

I could tell she was processing thoughtfully. We lingered on the topic for only a few moments more. I was careful to avoid giving the topic of external body image too much attention, lest it become a priority in her mind. As a mom, positive body image is one of the issues that I really need to own and model, and that I really want to get right for my child. It's a tough one for many of us.

After that, weeks passed without another mention of beauty. Yesterday, however, she approached me, holding the brooch of one of her dress-up gowns. On the brooch was a picture of Cinderella. I wondered what was coming.

"Mommy, do you know what? Cinderella looks a lot like me! I wonder if she's kind, like I am."

My heart swelled with joy. Indeed, physical beauty and body image will be on my daughter's radar if she's anything like most of the women in generations before her. And she may or may not grow up looking anything like a princess, but that's not important to me.

Hard as it had been not to tell her how beautiful I think she is, I knew the importance of acknowledging what she said without negating it.

Letting her speak freely teaches her that her voice and her opinion matter, even when I disagree with her.

As a woman and particularly as a mother, this has been a tough lesson to learn. I have, however, learned that when I actively listen, be it about princesses or anything that's important to her, it helps foster our connection and build her confidence that she can trust me with her innermost thoughts.

So, I listened to her and added to her understanding, helping her unwrap her feelings. I wanted the opportunity to make a positive impression on her value system. The most effective way to do that is by listening to her with an open mind and guiding her appropriately. Loving and intentional guidance works so much better than telling her she's wrong.

We really can influence children’s thought processes and body image respectfully while still supporting their inner princesses—or superheroes—whoever they may be. We can help them absorb what really matters. And that, my friends, is beautiful.

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