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Below is Part 4 from my recent interview with Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D. about her incredible new book, The Bottom Line for Baby. In this segment, she talks about the scientific support for gentle parenting.

If you missed Part 1, Part 2, or Part 3, you can catch up here. 

Watch Full Interview Here

 

The Scientific Validation of Gentle Parenting

Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting:

You talked about gentle parenting and attachment parenting early on, and said how it certainly can be linked to secure attachment, but not necessarily. Some of the biggest pushback we get for gentle parenting sounds like this: 

So, for the parent who wants to breastfeed, possibly even do extended breastfeeding; for the parent who wants to baby wear; for the parent who wants to sleep with their child safely in the same room; and practice all of these crunchy / positive / conscious / gentle parenting (or whatever you want to call it) -- practice THIS way of parenting versus the mainstream alternative:

Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D., on Gentle Parenting

I love that you ask this because we do, especially from family members, get a lot of pushback about this kind of parenting.

I remember a time when I had a one-year-old son, and my other son was four. My four-year-old was having a really hard time, and my one year old was also crying.

I crouched down low and I was saying, "You're having a really hard time. What is your body saying it needs right now?" And while I'm doing all of this reflective dialogue, my grandmother started criticizing me.

We used baby sign language, you know, which was phenomenal. I'm a huge fan. My kids, before they had the motor capacity to talk, could tell me if they were hurt. They could tell me if they needed comfort.

It was just phenomenal. I loved it, and [my family] was like, "They're never going to talk. You're raising Coco the ape, you know. They're never going to talk."

And of course they were early talkers. They were just fine.

But when [my family] would see me parenting and getting down and all the stuff, at first they were like, "You just need to smack him and tell him, you know..." They were just...they didn't get it.

They were worried that I was being really indulgent.

As my kids got older, I remember -- I'm feeling the emotion of this right now too. It's okay if I get a little emotional.

I remember my grandma saying, "I can't believe how amazing your kids are and how much facility they have in handling themselves. They're so well-behaved."

She was shocked because she thought they were going to be little monsters.

And she added, "They're so well-behaved. I wish I had known about what you know. How I wish I had parented that way." - Tina Payne Bryson, talking about the transition her extended family made to supporting gentle parenting

It was so amazing because this was a grandmother who had significantly avoidant attachment that she passed down to my dad, and my dad also parented me in that way.

So, for her to see it, it just felt like such good affirmation.

What Science Says about Gentle Parenting

What the science tells us -- and this is what's so great about The Bottom Line for Baby -- is you can turn to the discipline entry, and you can be like, "Here, mother-in-law, read this -- read the science [on gentle parenting] and then we can talk about it." 

The the science is super clear that when we push kids to be independent or to be well-behaved, where we're just focusing on the behavior; if we push them to do those things without our support, it actually backfires. - Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.

It actually makes them either more dependent because they developmentally weren't ready for [the task] without our support. Or, they actually learn not to share their distress with you. So, they just stay uncomfortable.

They just sit with those alone feelings.

What the research shows is that when you are a safe haven, and you practice positive, respectful, gentle parenting, you really focus on those 4 Ss -- Safe, Seen, Soothed, Secure -- it promotes better behavior.

They're always my answer for every situation.

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What the research says is that [gentle parenting] actually promotes independence; [gentle parenting] promotes better behavior. All of these things.

The science is on our side with [gentle parenting], you know, including extended breastfeeding.

No one knows your child like you do. You are the expert on your child. Get informed. Yes, read books. Read about what the science says, but you can't follow every single thing that the science says.

Some of them are even [contradictory], like one says be a really well-rested parent and the other one says breastfeed your child on demand.

You can't be both. You can't follow both of those.

Every child is unique. Follow the lead of your child. - Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.

...

Around this gentle parenting, what we're doing is we're giving kids reps [like exercise that builds muscles] for using their prefrontal cortex by saying, "Hmmm. I'm noticing this. How do you think we can solve that problem?" instead of saying, "Get over there and sit down."

And what we know from the science, too, is that parents who do [this gentle parenting approach] instead of a more command-and-demand authoritarian type of parenting -- it doesn't change their children's behavior.

Their children learn to hide their behaviors and when they're adolescents. The science says they don't go to their parents when they're in tricky situations. They go to their peers.

When our children come to us with bad behavior, it is often a symptom of a dysregulated nervous system. They're saying, "I need help right now."

When we respond to them, we need to show up for them. Even when they say something like, "I wanted popcorn. Why won't you give me popcorn?" And you're like, "Really? Because I'm taking you to the movies and you're going to say that?" You know, you get so upset about your child being "spoiled."

In that moment, if you respond that way, our child is like, "I just shared how I felt with them. I'm really disappointed and I shared that and I feel criticized -- and that didn't feel good."

When our children communicate with us and we respond in ways that don't feel good to them, they will stop sharing with us. 

When we say, "I don't want to hear it," they internalize that. So that doesn't mean I give them the popcorn. I can say, "I know you're so disappointed. You wanted the popcorn. We're not buying it today. And I know it's disappointing. It's hard to feel disappointed."

So, it's not about the boundary. I'm going to hold the boundary, but it's really about saying "yes" to our children's internal experiences, showing up for them -- and the science has our backs on this. - Tina Payne Bryson on the importance of respectful, gentle parenting

Gentle parenting, cont.

Extended breastfeeding is supported by every health organization around the world...If that works for you and your family and it feels right -- do it.

I want to empower you. You know your child. Trust your child. Trust your instincts.

If anybody's criticizing you, listen, they might have a point. But don't let it rule your life.

Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting:

Absolutely, and if they need the best reference book that I have found to date on why we do what we do for babies -- your new book is it. I will unequivocally recommend it to every new parent, every existing parent -- even if they already have a child, or two, or 15.

There's just so much great, compelling information in here and the world needs to know that there is some really smart gentle parenting advice that we know to be smart because we have the science to prove it.

We don't necessarily have to repeat these generational patterns that even you, and so many of the rest of us, have had. We can choose to do what works for our family.

Science has our backs when we make what seem to be different decisions from so many around us. Your book provides exactly the kind of validation that we need as we go into gentle parenting.

So thank you so much for writing it, for writing all the other books you've written, for existing. Thank you, also, for being a resource for people around the world who really just need to know "I can figure this out. This child might just make it to day 3 and day 4 and beyond, because it all feels new sometimes."

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Watch Full Interview Here

Tina Payne Bryson:

And you know I think, too, we have to remember everybody's kid is different. What works for one kid doesn't work for the next. I think it's important that we really follow our children's lead.

And I want to say to you to parents, if you don't have time to sit and read -- and I'm actually writing an article right now for parents never who find time to read -- all of my books are in audio form.

I've done a lot of podcasts just like this one on No-Drama Discipline, Whole-Brain Child and on my website TinaBryson.com. You can find tons of free content.

I post on Instagram all the time, just helpful little snippets and resources, so you can find me there as well.

But I want to say one final thing if it's alright, Sarah, and then I'll let you close this out.

Parents, I just want to say to you -- you sacrifice so much for your children. I know you do. If you're listening to this podcast, you're a parent who is really intentional, and we're so good at sacrificing and giving to our children.

But I want to say to you that you matter, too. And we need to really, really -- and I'm so I'm such a hypocrite; I was terrible at this when my kids were younger and I'm better at it now -- but you really do matter. Your children, what they need most from you, is you. And for you to be present.

In order to do that, you really do have to take care of yourself. It's one of the best things you can do for your kids.

Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting:

That is an important gift and an important takeaway, so thank you for that. I will do my best to implement that personally, and encourage the other parent seeing this to do that as well.

Tina Payne Bryson:

We've got to keep working on it.

Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting:

Exactly. Thank you so much, Tina.


Additional recommended reading by Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D. and Daniel J. Siegel, M.D.:

No-Drama Discipline Dr. Tina Payne Bryson
Click to purchase

power of showing upwhole brain childyes brain

The Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) may be relatively new as a namesake, but it's certainly not new as many people's reality. Some of us are just wired differently than others, be it from nature or nurture (although in this case, science argues for both).

With our sensitive wiring in mind, those of us who become parents need to learn parenting strategies that are not only effective, but also keep us from feeling overwhelmed by our children--the very people whose care has been entrusted to us.

Personally, I know the HSP life well. I'm the daughter of a highly sensitive person. I, myself, am an HSP. And now, I have little one of my own. I write this based on years of research as well as from my own experience. In other words, I "get it."

My hope is that my research will help the HSP parent find greater peace in their parenting strategies.

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An HSP Parent Feels Things Differently

In short, MRIs show that the HSP has a nervous system that works differently than that of the other 75 to 80 percent of the population. However, HSP traits don't necessarily manifest the same across the remaining 15 to 20 percent of the population that we comprise.

What science does demonstrate across the board for the HSP, however, is that our MRIs show distinctly different areas of brain activity versus non-HSPs in response to the same stimuli. Specifically, the MRIs show "stronger activation of brain regions involved in awareness, empathy, and self-other processing" (source).

As a result, HSPs can experience the same events entirely differently from non-HSPs. And empathic HSPs take their innate sensitivity a notch farther.

That said, there are a couple of concepts worth noting before addressing parenting strategies: "Highly sensitive people are typically introverts, while empaths can be introverts or extroverts (although most are introverts). Empaths share a highly sensitive person's love of nature and quiet environments, their desire to help others, and their rich inner life." (source)

We can use what we know to our advantage.

Parenting Strategies for the HSP Parent

While mainstream parenting is, well, mainstream, we simply aren't. Therefore, we can't expect that standard parenting strategies would work well for us. If we try to fit into a certain "box" that doesn't reflect our sensitive nature, parenting might feel harder than it has to be.

Some of these ideas can lighten your load.

1. Be gentle with your children -- and with yourself.

Many of us have what feels like a whole lot of extra neurons dedicated to empathy. And HSPs, following a standard rote of discipline that leaves us feeling disconnected from our children simply isn't a good fit.

Parent gently. This includes "parenting" yourself, too. Be kind to yourself and keep your inner (and outer) voice in check.

reading people
This book has a wonderful and comprehensive chapter about the HSP personality type. (Afflinks. As an Amazon associate, we earn from qualifying purchases. Your purchases help us support important charities.)

If HSP parents treat our children harshly, many of us will internalize the punishment and feel it ourselves on some level. If our parents were harsh with us or ignored our big feelings and we have emotional memories of that, we'll feel those feelings all over again as we administer them in our own homes. That doesn't feel good.

Of course, children do need loving limits. With practice, we can hold those loving limits compassionately with our children while also healing your own inner child.

If you're new to gentle parenting or want to learn about it in ways that support the information in the books, many positive parenting groups exist to support you. Support from likeminded parents can help you navigate to a gentler way of being.

Release the pressure to discipline the way our parents did, or our peers did, or the way some outdated parenting book said we should.

Trust your sensitivity to be your ally and your guide.

2. Bank the time that you can't "take care of yourself first"--and find creative ways to weave self-care into your routines.

We all know we can't pour from an empty cup. We'd like to be able to take care of ourselves first. However, some HSPs find it challenging to find parenting strategies that balance self-care and our tendency to put others first.

For me, taking care of myself first just wasn't always my reality. When my child was very little, I couldn't just let her cry and "figure it out," no matter how exhausted I was. Despite the well-meaning (albeit unsolicited) advice from others, I let my heart lead my parenting.

I'd felt better if I'd parented lovingly and while being emotionally present for my child day and night.

Does that mean that I just abandoned my needs, though? Absolutely not. Something that worked really well for my family included reducing screen time and replacing it with story time. We also instituted screen-free days with unexpectedly positive results. That wouldn't work for everyone, of course, but I knew I needed my quiet time to recharge.

So, I created the best of both worlds: quiet and clutter-free areas around the house where I could go to read with (or near) her while still staying emotionally present.

I also made mornings our standard time to get out of the house. That way, I knew I could come home and everything would be quieter from that point forward in our day. Afternoons became a predictably sacred space for us.

"Home days" earned just as much priority as other appointments. I consciously worked to find the patience for positive parenting, knowing that practice would make our inner lives more peaceful. If I couldn't "go" to self-care, I brought peace to meet me where I was.

3. Ground yourself in who you were before kids.

Many HSPs grew up keenly aware of their sensitivities to sounds, bright lights, and overly gregarious people. Whatever external stimuli triggered you before having kids, they're likely still there, along with the responsibility to raise children despite them. And in many cases, kids are all the noise, lights, and excitement wrapped up into little human-sized packages of energy. That's standard child behavior.

That said, this is in no way a knock on children. They're perfectly good at being exactly who they were designed to be, lights and all. Life moves on, as they say, but becoming a parent doesn't mean you're not yourself anymore. Suddenly, you're responsible for raising a human who might challenge all of your HSP-ness.

Remember how you grounded yourself before you had children. What's something you haven't done in so long that you've nearly forgotten about it, but that helped you find peace?

Consider journaling as a way to reconnect with yourself. It's proven to be a solid and reliable way to express

HSP journal
Journaling can be helpful.

our own big feelings and working through them peacefully (source).

4. Connect outside the home--and inside it, too.

If you have an understanding partner, share your heart with them. A friend or a counselor can be a wonderful resource for an HSP, as well.

If you don't have a good circle of friends, create your community -- start somewhere. If you lack childcare or the desire to leave the house, connecting virtually can still lift you up. A video or phone chat with a faraway friend does wonders for refueling the emotional tank.

Within certain parameters, even social media can offer some benefits specifically for introverts, including the HSP. Connecting with other adults is easy to overlook because many don't consider it a "parenting strategy." However, connection is critical to our emotional wellbeing.

Connection, in turn, contributes to the emotional fuel we have on reserve for the challenging parenting days---and for all of the regular days, too. If social media starts to creep in too intrusively and negatively affect your relationships, however, know that there are many things you can do to keep your screen time in check.

Finally, not all connection needs to be with people. Connect spiritually. Connect with nature, too -- science shows how beneficial it can be for grounding ourselves (source).

The HSP Parent Can Be a Highly Attuned and Compassionate Caregiver

Rather than trying to fit into a mainstream mould that wasn't built for us in the first place, we get to create our own parenting strategies that honor who we are. We can create an approach that leaves us feeling encouraged and connected, even despite all the ways that parenting stretches us and pushes our boundaries.

With the natural bigheartedness of HSPs, our children will fare better when we embrace that which comes naturally to us. There's always room for more compassion in the world.

Further Resources for HSP Parents

There are a few really detailed and exceptionally good books to study, such as The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron, PhD, and Reading People by Anne Bogel (the latter is only a chapter, but it's entirely relevant). I HSP bookrecommend them to HSPs who want to understand themselves better. They're also beneficial to non-HSPs who want to understand us better.

You can watch a movie about highly sensitive people. You can even take a online quizzes to gauge whether you're a likely an HSP. If you've read this far, though, you probably already know the answer.

I didn't need a quiz or an HSP "label" to understand my own wiring, but it didn't hurt to know what to call it so that I could research beneficial parenting strategies more effectively.

With or without a quiz, if you understand yourself to be an HSP and want parenting strategies that support you, check back here for more resources soon -- including an online session dedicated to parenting a highly sensitive child.

It was my child’s four-month checkup. She was thriving; ahead on all her milestones. Smiling, rolling, babbling, and snuggling were her favorite pastimes. We were happily growing and learning together; her as a little human, and me as a new mama.

My husband and I had chosen her first pediatrician wisely enough. He was the senior owner of his medical practice and had many years of experience. His wall was covered in accolades and advanced degrees; his resume far above the norm. A friend of ours used him for all three of her kids and loved him. And, as fate would have it, he happened to be the doctor who’d been assigned to check on all the newborns at the hospital the day our daughter was born, so we felt it was a “sign” that he was right for us.

In his office for that four-month checkup, however, I wasn’t so sure. He’d seemed a bit grumpy during our prior visits, but with his qualifications being what they were, I’d given him the benefit of the doubt. We’re all entitled to bad days. It surely wasn’t personal.

We waited for him in the patient room to which we’d been assigned.

He thundered in shortly thereafter and began with “What questions do you have?”

Well, okay. I offered a “Hi.” I asked him something about child development and he retorted with a quick, “If you’d read the handout the nurse gave you before I came in [he picked it up and shook it for emphasis], you wouldn’t be asking things like this.” A bit taken aback, I responded, “Actually, what the nurse handed me is paperwork about two-month milestones, and this is my child’s four-month visit. Do you have the paper for her age, please? I’d be happy to read it to see if it answers my question before we continue.”

He grabbed the two-month paper and tossed it in the trash, not handing me the alternative; not answering my question.

Instead, he continued, “How’s sleep?”

Responding honestly, I offered, “She had a seven-hour stretch last week for the first time. So, I got a little overconfident. We’re up every couple of hours again, but I’m okay with it. She’s getting her first tooth a little early and working on lots of new skills. This too shall pass. We’re happy.”

To that, he replied, “You’re ridiculous. Don’t go to her when she cries. Let me know when you’re ready to get serious about parenting.”

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Gah!

Frozen with the unexpected insult, I somehow managed to let him proceed with the rest of her well check. Indeed, she was growing and thriving. She was, holistically, getting plenty of sleep. And I was okay with being there for her when she needed me, day or night. I considered it a privilege. We’d lost her older sister halfway through that pregnancy; did he not know how much my heart longed to be there for this child? That going to her when she called was exactly what I wanted to do—that holding and comforting her was the greatest earthly gift I’d ever known? I was perfectly happy to take sleep day-by-day.

To be clear, I spent the next few days feeling livid and replaying the conversation in my mind. I questioned and centered myself, going back and forth, in a crazy-making loop. How dare he imply that I wasn’t serious about parenting? I was fully committed, fully present, and fully engaged in the well-being of my child. She didn’t “make” me respond to her; I chose to respond because it was my instinct to do so.

We never saw him again.

As tempting as it was to stay angry with him, anger never serves anyone well if it morphs into rumination. As a raw emotion, however, it can serve a healthy purpose.

In this case, it did. I let the anger burn as a fuel; not to consume me, but rather, to give life to passion for supporting other parents. Passion for education about normal sleep and child development. Passion for encouraging new mothers to trust themselves; to allow themselves to be physically and emotionally present for their children.

Promptly, I went to the bookstore and bought The No-Cry Sleep Solution by worldwide bestselling author

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As am Amazon associate, we earn from qualifying purchases. Your purchases help us support important charities.

Elizabeth Pantley. Her tips worked. (afflink)

From there, I flooded myself with all the resources I could find about respectful and positive parenting and consumed them voraciously. I wanted to have all the science, knowledge, and expertise I could possibly find to validate that it is, indeed, a good idea to be kind to children (go figure).

The pediatrician gave me a gift that day. He planted a seed—a desire to “get serious about parenting” in a whole new way—that I’d likely not have otherwise felt with such vigor.

To the extent that I can as just one mama, I want to empower other parents to walk out of a situation---be it a doctor’s office or anywhere else they don’t feel supported---and say, “No. This isn’t right. I want better for my child. Where can I find that?”

I want this to be one of those places for you. Indeed, I’ve gotten serious about parenting—not in the way that doctor implied I should—but in a way that I hope will be much more impactful for a growing community of mindful and positive parents.


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When my daughter was three years old, I didn't think anything about fostering childhood resilience when it came to Halloween. For some reason that's unbeknownst to me, she decided that what people do with Halloween candy is...donate it. Who was I to argue with her thoughtful idea? So, for the past two years, we've gathered up her loot and handed it off to a grateful recipient.

I somehow assumed that this is what she'd want to do with it forever. Yeah, just call me naive and we'll get on with things, shall we? In any case, we started Halloween today with our standard plan to donate her candy. She was completely on board.

So, off we went to our downtown "Safe Halloween" where local businesses open their doors to the kids and their parents for a couple of hours, doling out all the good stuff. Now, what makes the "good stuff" tricky for us is that my kiddo has food allergies, so donating her candy has always eliminated any risk to her safety. The Teal Pumpkin Project helps somewhat, but not everyone knows about it or chooses to participate.

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When we were done trick-or-treating, however, she crawled into the backseat of my car, opened her big paper bag, and took a quick whiff of the contents of the sugar-filled booty. I glanced back at her after another minute, and although her hands were still on the outside, her head had disappeared almost entirely into the bag. It smelled good. That's when I started to realize that this year might be

childhood resilience
Wonderful book for kids to learn about food allergies

different. She might not want to donate the good smells.

When we got home, she inquired while holding up one of her goodies, "Mommy, can you please read the ingredients to this one?" Suddenly, I realized we were on a very slippery slope. What had been an easy fix to a problem wasn't going to work this year. Since reading The Bugabees (which I love for kids with food allergies), she's learned to ask what's in the food to which she's exposed. (Afflink) That's wonderful.

For better or worse, however, most commercial candies simply aren't options for her health-wise. To compensate for that, we have alternate "safe" treats at our house, usually healthy options. She'd broken off a square of dark chocolate during lunch at home just a few hours earlier as a special treat.

With all that in mind, I read the ingredients. She quickly self-identified that the candy she chose wouldn't work for her. And then she mourned.

I mourned, too, because I want her to experience holidays like so many other kids do. I don't want Halloween to be about resilience.

allergy free candy
A great option for allergy-friendly Halloween candy

Empathizing, I told her, "I saw how much you really wanted that candy. The feelings I'm guessing you have right now are disappointment and sadness. You can tell me if I'm wrong." It helps kids to give names to feelings to help build emotional intelligence. Dr. John Gottman writes about this, along with a lot of other really insightful suggestions, in this book. It's best when children can name the emotions themselves, but that doesn't always work when they're emotionally flooded. She agreed that I'd guessed correctly.

After holding her and telling her I understood (truly, I do), I realized that this would be another teachable moment. I had to wait, of course, until her brain could find logic and reason, as this important book by Drs. Seigel and Bryson so clearly illustrates. One of the lessons I've learned, though, is that she learns best

growth mindset
This book helps parents understand child development and how to best connect "in the moment."

when I give her the space to solve problems for herself--while I fully support her emotionally along the way. This is a life skill she needs.

Knowing the rest of her loot would be similar, I offered, "I wonder what we could do to make the rest of the candy less tempting. Let's think about this." And then I waited, just a bit longer than where I felt comfortable. It's usually in that uncomfortable moment when she suggests something.

"I have an idea, Mommy."

"What is it?"

"Let's make it a science experiment. You grab a bowl and put some hot water in it; I'll put the candy in it and see what happens."

We proceeded to make a warm, gooey, good-smelling experiment while sitting in the middle of our kitchen floor. I hadn't thought of the idea. She had. And when she did, she bought in completely. We marveled at which ones floated or sank, and which ones bubbled (I'm never eating that kind again). She solved the problem in a way that will undoubtedly stay with her much longer than anything I'd have suggested, would have. And I believe she learned something about her own resilience.

Although I don't know if this candy-plan will work again next year, what I do know is this: she's capable of figuring it out. She's strong. I love that she has opportunities to see this.

_______________________________________________________

Additional Allergy-Friendly Halloween Options

Click the images for details!

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Halloween stickers

teal pumpkin
Many colors available -- including teal!

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Who doesn't love glowing jewelry?

childhood resilience
Fun coloring books to give away instead of candy

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Fun pencils

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Show you're a safe home

After a week of my sick kid having what I thought was the common cold, I finally took her to the doctor to be sure it wasn’t something serious. She’d had a sore throat and a fever along with lots of other cold symptoms. She’d been happy enough to chill out on the couch with me, so at first, I thought it was nothing to worry about. We tried some home remedies that usually help her when she's sick, but this time, she wasn’t improving at all.

As it turns out, she had RSV, a sinus infection, and parainfluenza. Studies show that, unlike many viruses that run their course in 24 hours, RSV can be contagious for as many as four weeks (1). Hello, plastic bubble. And she didn’t just have RSV, so I thought we’d be in for a long-haul recovery.

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Home Remedies that Helped My Sick Kid Get Healthy---Fast

I’ll preface this by saying it isn’t medical advice. That said, it’d be pretty hard to find fault with these ideas, but do run them past your doctor to see if they’re a match for your sick kid.

Aside from the wonderful benefits of touch and snuggles on health, here are the home remedies that (ready for it?) got my child back on her feet within four days of starting them. Four days; not four weeks! Oh, and for what it’s worth, my doctor approved them for us. I’m not a fan of many of the side effects of standard meds (my child is very sensitive to them, as am I), so we prefer natural remedies whenever possible. (To be clear, we take them when we need to.)

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Home Remedy #1 Almost-Too-Good-To-Be-True Anti-Inflammatory Foods (but they work, fortunately)

Some of the best health news I’ve ever heard is that dark chocolate (above 70% cocoa) is more effective for

home remedies sick kid
Did you know dark chocolate can be effective against coughs?

coughs than codeine. Score! Did I need any help encouraging my sick child to have some of her favorite dark chocolate? Not one bit. We keep plenty on hand for “emergencies” of all kinds. (afflinks) And of course, I took some preventatively! To be honest, I doubt it works preventatively, but it made me happy.

Further, as easy as it is to get a sick kid to eat chocolate, it’s just as simple to convince her to have some pure, raw honey (make sure you don't give honey to a child who's less than a year old because it can lead to infant botulism). Offering her an immune-boosting garlic and honey combination was an easy sale. She ate it straight, just garlic chopped small and dipped in honey, on a spoon. She also

home remedies sick kid
Honey can help soothe a cough.

ate it on toast. Along with that, she downed plenty of anti-inflammatory blueberries and fresh ginger tea.

There are lots of savory anti-inflammatory foods, too, but these sweet ones sure didn’t hurt her spirits. How nice that some of what she needed most, were things she wanted the most.

Home Remedy #2: Our Favorite Natural Medicines (with a very helpful hint)

Some of these are home remedies, and some are natural remedies that are, according to my doctor, “herbals.” I didn’t realize how easy we had it when our daughter was a baby and we could just pull out the brilliant (albeit gross) NoseFrida and give her some dissolvable cold tablets. Now that she’s older, she has stronger opinions about what she’ll ingest.

For general immune-boosting power

She loved taking these easy-to-administer and dissolvable pellets at the onset of her symptoms, and she

sick kid home remedies
These work great in our house.

never turns down sweet elderberry syrup. You can make a homemade version of elderberry syrup for much less money if you have the right ingredients. With our doctor’s guidance, we temporarily increased her vitamin D3 (we like this version because it's an imperceptible liquid we can add to her drink).

For coughs

sick kid home remedies
These help my child SO much.

She loves her daytime and nighttime cough medicines. I love the nighttime version because it has just enough strength, along with a bit of melatonin, to help my sick kid sleep without coughing at night. The daytime version of Zarbee’s is worth keeping around, too; as is their version with individual portions (great for when we’re ready to leave the house but concerned about coughing).

For sinus problems

Finally, because of the sinus infection, she needed something effective, but we weren’t keen on antibiotics

sick kid home remedies
The kids' and adults' versions are practically lifesavers in our house.

as a first defense. (Of course, we’d take them if we had to.) Although she didn’t love the flavor of this sinus medicineoh my–her sinus symptoms disappeared almost immediately after she started it. Knowing that our sense of smell strongly affects how we taste food, she agreed to let me hold a medjool date (her favorite sweet treat) under her nose while she took the medicine. We practiced “shots” of water beforehand, and that also helped when it came time for medicine. The “tricking her senses with sweet smell” and “water shot practice” approach worked wonders, fortunately. That’s my helpful hint to you.

Our doctor also showed us a video of this “gentler” version of a sinus rinse for kids. We’re not there yet, but close.

For parents trying to stay healthy (or who didn’t manage to escape the germs)

I took vitamin D3, elderberry syrup, and these AMAZING anti-viral herbs, and I managed to stay

sick kid home remedies
These are the most effective option I've ever found to help keep me healthy.

completely healthy. The herbs aren’t cheap, but there are a ton of them in the bottle. They last a really long time, and in my opinion, staying healthy is worth every penny. (I did the math now, just for fun. Let’s say I took 10 of them throughout the duration of her illness. Would I pay a few bucks to avoid going down hard and feeling miserable? Absolutely.) That said, all of the kids’ items I’ve listed above are also available in adult versions on the “Food and Health” section of our site, if you need them.

Home Remedy #3: Gentle Movement

Our doctor pointed out the importance of balancing enough stillness with enough movement as a home remedy to clear my daughter’s lungs. From what I’ve heard, if we’re too sedentary, the “gunk” can get

sick kid home remedies
A helpful way to open the lungs.

stuck in our lungs; risks include increased inflammation and potential for pneumonia. No thank you! Since my girl didn’t want to leave the couch, I grabbed my exercise ball and helped her do some gentle, lung clearing, and immune boosting stretches over it. She thought it was wildly fun (well, as “wild” as someone who doesn’t want to move can get), and she said the stretches made her chest feel better. It seemed to ease her coughing, so I’ll take her word for it.

Home Remedy #4: Humid Air

The humid air from inside the bathtub is a good way to keep a sick kid still for awhile; there’s o

home remedies sick kid
We like to breathe easily at night. This helps.

nly so far she can go in there. Semi-immersion in warm water helped release the gunk in her lungs. Although she coughed more, the coughs became more productive.

At night, we used a really effective and adjustable cool mist humidifier. I love how quiet it is, and that it has a 12- and 24-hour timer option if I forget to turn it off in the morning when my mind is on caring for the sick kid.

Home Remedy #5: A One-Way Ticket to Stay Home

No matter how bored we got, we stayed home. We certainly didn’t want to inflict the Plague of Blaaaah (as I dubbed it) on anyone else. I picked up enough library books to run the entire length of our house, and we read every single one. There’s just no substitute for staying still and letting a sick child’s body heal.

Now, How To Entertain a Sick Kid for (Potentially) Weeks on End?

The home remedy part is easy compared to figuring out what to do at home for weeks. And fortunately, we didn’t have to figure it out. She got better. Quickly.

As a mama, the home remedies that get us up and out as fast as possible, are exactly the ones I like best. As they say, prevention is the best medicine. It feels so good to be well.

Source 1: https://www.cdc.gov/rsv/about/transmission.html

Many kids have an inherent panic response when Mom or Dad starts counting, "1...2...3..."---the three most fearsome numbers of childhood. Although the consequences differ from household to household, counting is often code for imminent trouble. Peaceful, positive parenting can change that. Rather than counting to three as a threat (suggesting punishment that's rarely effective anyway), counting can be a useful parenting tool for you. Here's how.

When you're upset with your child, silently count to three, just for yourself, while thinking about a special moment in your child's past (or future).

For those brief seconds, recall a tender moment when your little one was a baby. Remember the feeling of those tiny fingers wrapped around yours. Alternatively, imagine your "baby" being older and moving out of your home. Picturing either extreme will automatically ground you and help you remember how fleeting this moment is. Part of positive parenting can include using mindfulness techniques like this one.

count to three
Great for pinning!

If your child is asking to do something you'd rather not do, see if you can say "yes" and grant their request for three seconds (or three minutes, or whatever you can manage).

Does that mean you agree to every request or throw your boundaries out the window? Of course not. However, you can reevaluate whether you can say yes more often (you'll find some practical ideas of how to do that here).

Walking past a playground recently on our way somewhere else, my daughter wanted to stop and swing on the swings. We really didn't have time. I could tell by looking at her, though, that it was important to her. So, I said, "Yes, you may swing for three seconds before we keep walking. I'll start counting as soon as you get on the swing, and when I get to three, it'll be time to go." She agreed.

1-2-3 magic counting to three

She shed no tears; she didn't negotiate for more time (aside from my agreeing that it was reasonable for her swing to slow down before she hopped off). Part of her lack of desire to negotiate in situations like this is that she's learned she'll often get a "yes"---even if just a brief one.

These little "yeses" can go so far in supporting connection with your child. Some might argue that their child wouldn't get off the swing so easily, but I wonder if they'd consider the time they'd lose in managing their child's disappointment, and the missed opportunity to connect.

It's easy to say yes more often once you practice, and once you build trust with your child that it's what your answer will often be. The "forbidden fruit" they're seeking will feel less forbidden, and therefore be less of a draw, if they feel you're on their side.

This approach also makes your parenting approach easier for your kids because they learn when "no" really needs to happen. They trust it's not arbitrary.

If a transition from one activity to another is hard (as it often is for kids) and you're triggered because you need to move onto the next task, use your "three" to give them a few moments to adjust to whatever needs to happen next.

In our house when my child was younger, this "counting to three" took the form of "Would you like to go put on your shoes now, or would you like me to hold you while I count to three so you'll have some time to prepare?" It worked amazingly well. It's as if my child really needed that count of three to ready herself for whatever was coming next, even if the task was as mundane (in adult eyes) as brushing teeth or walking to the car.

Three seconds to adjust is often just enough time to connect and make the transition easier for both of you.

"Three" can be a place of peace.

It can be a "yes space" for both of you, child and parent, where you ground yourselves for a better interaction and greater connection. And it can be as easy as 1, 2...well, you know.

____________________________________

Further reading

parenting bookspositive parenting booksparenting bookscounting to three dandelion seeds positive parentingcounting to three positive parenting bookscounting to three dandelion seeds positive parenting

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In positive parenting, the power of a hug is some of the best preventative medicine that exists for the adult-child relationship, even with children who aren’t our own.

*

A girl I'll call Juniper, who was then two and a half years old, was standing with my child and me in the doorway just before we joined Teacher Tom for outdoor story time. It was the very first time I'd ever met her. I was the last adult chaperoning kids out of the building, so I couldn't join story time with my child until I was sure all the kids were accounted for. Juniper had no intention of joining us, though, as I could clearly see from her body language. As Teacher Tom noticed my child and me waiting in the vestibule, he beckoned for us to join him. A lot of people were waiting for us. He was unaware that I was encouraging Juniper, who was cowering in a corner, to follow us.

In an attempt to connect with Juniper, I crouched down to her level and reached out my hand. I'd have held her hand, hugged her, or picked her up, if she'd indicated any of those options were acceptable. To my surprise, however, she jumped at me like a mini-superhero, then started throwing punches and kicking me. She tried to bite my arm. Holy moly.

Despite being momentarily stunned, I heard myself think, "I'm going to Janet Lansbury this." (I didn't know Janet was a verb. I always thought she was an early childhood expert.) As calmly as I could muster despite Juniper's flailing limbs, I held her shoulders at a safe distance from my body. I looked her in the eye and said, "I won't let you hurt me. I'll help you through this." Immediately, she calmed, took a final halfhearted swing at me, and took off running down the hallway of the building. Knowing I couldn't leave a child alone in there, I invited my child to follow me as I gently pursued Juniper. I gave her plenty of space.

I practice positive discipline with my own child, and although I was in uncharted waters, I wanted to show the same respect to this flailing child as I do to my own.

To be clear, I use positive discipline as a synonym for teaching. I don't support force or punishment of any kind as a parenting approach. In my experience, a hug and almost any form of positive parenting go so much farther than anything punitive.

Before I continue with what happened, it’s helpful to understand some of the different approaches I could’ve taken, based on different parenting styles. This child didn’t need to be mine for the same neuroscience to apply.

If I acted like an authoritarian parent, it likely would've presented as me yelling after her, catching her, and picking her up against her will. Flailing or not, I'd plop her down into to story time. Traditional authoritarian parenting (the most commonly punitive option) centers around adults controlling children. It has negative long-term consequences for the parent and child relationship, as well as for the child

power of a hug
This book is insightful and helpful for improving the parent-child relationship.

herself, as John Gottman, Ph.D. describes in Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child (afflinks). Forced compliance does nothing to support children’s emotional intelligence or attachment to their caregivers, and I certainly wasn't going to make this little stranger "behave" somehow.

On the opposite end of the parenting style continuum from authoritarian parenting is permissive parenting. However, Dr. Gottman, Janet Lansbury, and many other experts caution that permissive parenting isn't the antidote to authoritarian parenting. It, too, carries risks for the child. Children need loving and reasonable limits to feel secure. Permissive parenting might’ve looked like my letting Juniper run wherever she wanted, and not saying a word to her about it.

Neither approach would've given Juniper helpful tools upon which to rely in the future. Moreover, if she happened to be a highly sensitive child (HSC), odds are good that anything punitive might have sent her into an even tougher emotional situation.

positive parenting
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Goldilocks was right; children need not too much or too little guidance. They need just the right amount of it through authoritative, positive parenting.

This balanced type of positive parenting is called authoritative parenting.  Note that although the name authoritarian parenting, which is negative, sounds like authoritative parenting, the latter is positive.

In any case, this certainly wasn't the time for a sticker chart or a "red behavior card,” which is common in many preschools. (I'd argue that no time is right for those, but that's another post.) As Ross Greene, Ph.D., argues in The Explosive Child, "...The reason reward and punishment strategies haven't helped is because they won't teach your child skills he's lacking or solve the problems that are contributing to

the power of a hug
This book helps with children's emotional regulation.

challenging episodes..." These methods don't teach children how to cope when they're emotionally overloaded.

Conversely, positive parenting is linked with better long-term outcomes for the child. This is true not only short-term, but also for the child's long-term wellbeing (1). Examples of positive parenting styles include RIE® (2), attachment parenting, authoritative parenting, and many others. Descriptions are readily available on the Internet, and my website has a list of my favorite positive parenting books. (Yep, I've read everything there. I share only the ones that have solid, actionable messages and that promote positive parenting.) I wish I had a dollar for every style of parenting in the dictionary these days, but truthfully, the names don't matter much.

With so many types of parenting to name, I just try to parent simply; parent from the heart. Parent from connection.

All that said, I wasn't entirely enthusiastic about pursuing this small Mike Tyson. However, I realized that this responsibility was on me even if I didn't sign up for it.

I trusted that I was there for a reason. I needed to find that middle ground that would help Juniper trust that I was on her side while still accomplishing what we needed to do: reconnect with the class.

Unsure whether it would work here, I was keenly aware of the science behind the power of a hug within the context of positive parenting.

So, I offered her a hug. Totally bewildered for a moment, she yelled, "No!" And then she sucked her thumb, rocked herself, fell to the floor crying, and then got up and ran at me again. For a moment, I almost blocked my body for safety. I saw something different in her eyes, though, so I stayed within reach. She ran to me as if I were a long lost friend and collapsed into my arms, bawling her little eyes out.

She hugged and hugged and hugged, leaving my daughter and me surprised, but on we went hugging. Her tension melted away entirely. We proceeded to story time peacefully.

At that point and for reasons unbeknownst to me at the time, I told her that I have a "hug button" on my shoulder. Anytime she'd need one, she could come and touch my shoulder, and I'd know what to do. I made sure to always crouch down when she came near, just in case she needed to push it.

For the following two weeks of the class, she continued to struggle more often than not. But eventually, I got smarter.

If any child were to put something unsafe in her mouth and start running down the hill on the playground, it was her. With some false starts, I learned that following her and asking her to remove the choking hazard would backfire. It was all the convincing she needed to keep the aforementioned item there. When I pushed too hard or sounded forceful, fearing for her safety, she’d take off running and create an even greater safety risk to herself.

Once I realized that, I chose to address her potential issues proactively. The moment I saw her put something in her mouth, I'd crouch down and call her name from wherever I was on the playground. I'd stay put. She'd look over, and I'd point to the invisible hug button on my shoulder.

More often than not, she'd nod and come running my direction (sometimes with the aforementioned object still in her mouth, but it was progress). She'd hug me for as long as she needed and then relinquish the item.

Except for when she didn't come. I'm not perfect (more like a million miles from it), and sometimes my tone would be too worrisome for her. Or sometimes I'd think I'd done it "right," but she was too emotionally overloaded to connect.

What I do know, however, is that proactive hugging stopped a whole lot of potential problems in their tracks. We reaped the benefits of positive parenting with this one simple point of connection.

I lost count of how many times a proactive hug completely deescalated potential problems. I'd see a "look" on her face that signaled trouble, so I'd offer a hug. And just like magic, all was right with her world again. Some of the other kids in class even joined in on the “hug button” initiative.

On the last day of class, Juniper walked up to me and offered me a hug for the first time, proactively. She'd never done that before. I happily accepted. Much to my surprise, she cupped my face in her little hands and she whispered, "I love you." It was the perfect 2.5-year-old translation of "Thank you for understanding exactly what I needed when I didn't have the words to explain it."

And I love her, too, in the most wonderful way of loving a small person I'll likely never see again. She helped show me the power of positive parenting from a lens outside that of my own family. She reinforced that it's better not to chase my child; but instead, to be rock solid and a "safe place" emotionally. She confirmed what the the gentle parenting books say should happen when a child feels connected. My own parenting is better for the important positive parenting lesson she taught me.

There's a lot to be said for the power of a hug.

_____________________________________________________________

Source (1): https://www.parentingscience.com/authoritative-parenting-style.html

Source (2): https://www.rie.org/educaring/ries-basic-principles/

The "terrible twos" have a reputation, even among non-parents. The moniker has become so commonplace that at just the very mention of a second birthday, well-meaning friends reference the possibility of impending doom, as if the milestone is going to summon something akin to a year-long root canal.
Is it warranted, though? As a positive parenting writer and educator---and not to mention as a mom---I've heard from a whole lot of parents that the "twos" would be more appropriately named the "terrific twos," with nary a cloud in sight. Why the confusion?

When it comes right down to it, the fear of "terrible twos" isn't so much about the child; but rather, it's about our own lack of confidence about how to parent this newly emerging toddler.

I recall one afternoon shortly after my own daughter turned two. She looked at me and announced ever so confidently, "Park. No pants." Hold the phone---when did she learn to say "park?" And was she actually

terrible twos
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requesting to go there without any pants on? (She was. We went; her, without pants, and me, fully clothed. It was warm. No one batted an eye.) I realized at that moment that the baby I'd just figured out, suddenly wasn't that person anymore. She was evolving before my eyes.

So, true. We do need to adjust our parenting at this milestone age.

Whereas before we had a child who was likely happy to be carried much of the time, we now have someone who wants to walk. (And by walk, I mean sprint precariously forward, and usually with turbo speed when stairs or vehicles are present.) Suddenly, we need to sprint after a fully functioning human body, and that's new to us.

Whereas before we could talk to our little person and he'd smile or babble in response, we now have someone who's forging his own opinions about things. Suddenly, we need to navigate a new opinion in the house, and that's new to us.

Whereas before, nap time came fairly easily, we now have a child who realizes, "Heyyyyy...you get to keep playing out there, but I'm supposed to SLEEP?" Our children are more aware than they've ever been before, and that's new to us. 
terrible twos

As tempting as it is to blame the "terrible twos" for all of this, it's all part of normal child development.

The human brain will never again grow as fast as it's growing right now in these first few years of childhood. As much as it is for us---the adults---to process, it's even more overwhelming for the little people to whom this "growing up" thing is happening. Sometimes, it manifests in what adults perceive as suboptimal behavior, suchterrible twos as tantrums.

One important thing to note is that throwing a tantrum isn't about disobedience; it's a little one's way of saying, "This is pretty overwhelming right now! Can you please support me?" Unfortunately, two year olds often lack the verbal skills, not to mention the development in the prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain that controls impulses) to help them do anything other than exactly what they're doing. Some quick brain science: the prefrontal cortex doesn't fully develop until around age 25.

I realize that when a child throws a temper tantrum at the grocery store or on the playground, it's inconvenient. Sometimes, it's downright embarrassing. If situations like that irk you, please know you're not alone. Remain calm; practice deep breathing.

If I had a single piece of advice around your child's big feelings, I'd suggest that you let go completely about what other people think and simply connect to your child. This connection is going to get you through age two, and all of the other years that follow. Now is a great time to practice.

And here's the crazy thing---most "terrible twos" spend very little time upset. In my personal and professional experience, two year olds are incredibly delightful most of the time. The amount of time they spend being curious, giggly, and affectionate far outweighs anything else.

If anyone tells you otherwise, surprise them with your compassion.terrible twos

Surprise people with your ability to see the joy at your child's newfound mobility and freedom, because it's new to him. We can learn to run faster.

Surprise people with your gentle support of your child's awesome new ways to show you "This is who I am and what I like," because advocating for herself is new to her. (And how freeing it must be to clearly know your boundaries like little kids do. What a gift they have this way!) We can learn to help our child navigate communication.

Surprise people with your flexibility around forced sleep times; we all sleep when we're tired enough, and this incredible desire to play with you every waking hour is new to your child, too. We can learn to adapt.

Sure enough, when we figure out how to modify our parenting to support our quickly evolving two-year-olds, it all falls into place.

Part of respectful parenting means we learn to work with the child in front of us, even when it requires that we, ourselves, grow in our abilities. Additionally, it means we're intentional about the ways we describe our children to others. Our words matter and our kids are listening. Do we like them? Do we want to foster a positive connection based on mutual trust? As parents, we're called not only to be kind to them, but also to reflect that kindness in the words we use about them.

When someone mentions the "terrible twos" to me, I often reply with a shrug and respond, "Huh. I've always called them the 'terrific twos.'" 'Nuff said. One person at a time, we can change perception---because after all, our perception is our reality, isn't it?

Your two-year-old child is wonderfully fine, and more often than not, perfectly terrific.

I've had it with gentle parenting.

To clarify, I'm still giving children love, respect, and a whole lot of grace as they learn to navigate this thing called life. More than ever, I see the value of positive parenting not only in my own child, but also in those with whom I interact regularly. I'm fully committed to the notion of treating others, including children, the way I'd like to be treated. The "golden rule" is very much my parenting mantra.

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But yeah, I'm done with the marketing myth of gentle parenting.

You see, "gentle parenting" has turned into a marketing buzz phrase that, in many cases, is neither descriptive nor accurate. After having wasted hours on Pinterest last week looking for gentle parenting articles to share with my readers, I realized just how liberally people are using the term. The same is true for its nomenclature siblings: positive parenting, positive discipline, and conscious parenting, among others.

Once we dilute the "gentle parenting" term so much that it refers to almost anything we want to "accomplish" as a parent, it becomes meaningless.

Spend three minutes on most social media and you'll find things like:

In short, I don't trust an article, book, or well-meaning friend who says something is "gentle" if it isn't in sync with what positive parenting really is.

We all want to practice gentle parenting. So, how do we know when we've found the real deal?

I don't know a decent parent anywhere who doesn't want to be gentle with his or her children. We all have good intentions.

Skydiving, gambling, and motorcycle riding aside (and with respect to those who do those things without baby present), there are a few telltale signs that you've found the "real deal" when doing your positive parenting research. I've boiled them down to the basics that I keep in mind as a parent and educator.

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Gentle parenting is kind.

I once joked on my Facebook page that I'd written the shortest parenting book ever. It included only a single question parents can ask themselves when deciding how to handle something with a child: "Am I being kind?"

In all seriousness, this really sums it up. What's the kindest response you can have to any given situation?

Is the sleep solution you're considering peaceful, or does it leave one or the other of you feeling unsettled?

Is the discipline situation your friends have suggested kind, or does it involve something designed to induce feelings of shame or regret?

Is the parenting book you're reading suggesting ideas that will bring you and your child closer together, or do the ideas inflict emotional strife on either of you?

Oftentimes, I make parenting decisions only after I've consciously assessed whether I'm choosing the kindest option I can in the moment. I never want to justify suboptimal parenting by thinking "It's for the best" or "I wish I didn't have to do this, but it's the only option." I assure you there's always a way to be kind.

Gentle parenting is patient.

I'll confess that even as a gentle parenting writer, I sometimes struggle with this one. We all have tired days, too-many-rainy-days-in-a-row-days, and we're-humans-who-sometimes-want-different-things-while-living-in-the-same-space days. Case in point: I intended to spend an entire screen-free day with my child the other day, but my computer broke when I was doing "just one thing" on it, and I ended up sufficiently grouchy that I had to fix it.

It wasn't my child's fault that my computer broke. She got antsy that I had to devote time to fixing it instead of playing, and I got frustrated by her antsy-ness. Her need was legit; mine was, too, in its own way. But as truly gentle parents, we know that our children's behavior is often a reflection of our own.

When we find ourselves feeling impatient, we don't punish our children for it or make them our emotional outlets. We find ways to stay connected amidst suboptimal circumstances. We actively seek out the emotional tools we need to help us keep our cool, understanding that our kids need us to model patience. That's how they learn emotional regulation, themselves---by observing us.

Gentle parenting models respect.

When we make a mistake, we apologize for it.

We don't equate immediate compliance with respect.

We understand that parenting is not about "How do I get my child to do (whatever it is)..."---that doesn't fit into the golden rule. We don't "get" people we respect to do things. We collaborate with them. Problem-solving works best in partnership with others.

We model what it means to engage in healthy, respectful adult relationships---because that's what we want for our kids when they get older. Their training starts now in their daily interactions with us.

For many of us, gentle parenting is hard work.

We don't choose gentle parenting because it's the most convenient option. It's often downright hard, especially if it involves facing triggers from our own upbringing. (Wait, that happens? Heck yeah it does, and it's tricky emotional stuff to work through!) We have to examine our hard wiring. Often, we need to very intentionally rewire our brains to not do whatever the default response might've been in our family of origin. Oof. It's doable, though, if we're mindful about actively working on ourselves.

So, do I believe in the value of gentle parenting?

Of course I do. We just need to know what it really is (and isn't), and make the practice real in our own homes. It's absolutely worth discerning the good advice from the bad and understanding that just because an article or a book is labeled as gentle, it really needs to be gentle for it to foster the results we're seeking as parents. And as parents, what better result than a long-term, positive, and loving connection with our children?


Sarah R. Moore is an internationally published writer and the founder of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting. You can follow her on FacebookPinterest, and Instagram. She’s currently worldschooling her family. Her glass is half full.

Ever since I learned to stand on my own two feet, I've been walking up and down a particular hill in the city where I was born. This hill, which happens to be on a university campus, is one of my special places in life. I now live thousands of miles from it, but anytime I can return "home," I retrace my footsteps there. When the hill isn't covered in wintertime snow, its green grass is so soft and pristine that nearly everyone who has time to lie down on it, does.

Although it's steep, it's less than half a mile from top to bottom. At the top of the hill are flowers; lots of red and white flowers to represent the university's colors.

For the first time today---many years after I took my first baby steps on campus---I saw a woman planting those flowers. In all my years of looking at them, I never thought about the effort someone makes to put them there. They've been an ever-present part of the scenery, like the trees and the grass itself.

However, as it turns out, the flowers require a fair amount of work. The gardener took at least a few minutes to meticulously remove each plant from its respective pot and gently dig and prepare the soil for planting. Finally, when all the preparations were complete, she could embed the flower in its new home. It wasn't a quick process.

As I saw the gardener there digging and sweating (and continuing regardless), I was struck by how much her work is like motherhood.

motherhood

This thing called "motherhood" is not easy work.

It's not quick. People assume we're just going to "be there" doing our job, as if we we've always been there doing it---effortlessly and without sweat. The flowers will grow because we're tending them. Our job is to tend them, so we keep on nurturing and feeding and pruning and caring for them every single day. We watch them closely throughout each season to see how we need to adjust to keep them growing well.

Those who don't know from the wisdom of first-hand experience might assume we never feel like the flowers---that we're not fragile; that when we're struggling, we just pop right up again, at will. We're mama, so we keep on going.

They guess it doesn't take much work to keep these flowers in bloom; but sometimes, it's far too hot or too cold and we're just doing our best to help them make it another day.

And to make it one more day, ourselves.

Some days, that's all we can do; it's the balance for the sunny days where parenting comes easily. As for the other days, well, our work is far from martyrdom, and I'd never imply that it is. It's simply our labor of love.

Today, I did something I've never done before because I never knew to do it.

I walked up to the gardener and thanked her for planting the flowers. The result of her painstaking effort was so beautiful that I'd always assumed nature itself were responsible for the outcome.

She nodded politely and just kept on doing her important work as if it's all she's ever done, because that's what we all do with our love, isn't it?

Let's be friends

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