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The Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) may be relatively new as a namesake, but it's certainly not new as many people's reality. Some of us are just wired differently than others, be it from nature or nurture (although in this case, science argues for both).

With our sensitive wiring in mind, those of us who become parents need to learn parenting strategies that are not only effective, but also keep us from feeling overwhelmed by our children--the very people whose care has been entrusted to us.

Personally, I know the HSP life well. I'm the daughter of a highly sensitive person. I, myself, am an HSP. And now, I have little one of my own. I write this based on years of research as well as from my own experience. In other words, I "get it."

My hope is that my research will help the HSP parent find greater peace in their parenting strategies.

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An HSP Parent Feels Things Differently

In short, MRIs show that the HSP has a nervous system that works differently than that of the other 75 to 80 percent of the population. However, HSP traits don't necessarily manifest the same across the remaining 15 to 20 percent of the population that we comprise.

What science does demonstrate across the board for the HSP, however, is that our MRIs show distinctly different areas of brain activity versus non-HSPs in response to the same stimuli. Specifically, the MRIs show "stronger activation of brain regions involved in awareness, empathy, and self-other processing" (source).

As a result, HSPs can experience the same events entirely differently from non-HSPs. And empathic HSPs take their innate sensitivity a notch farther.

That said, there are a couple of concepts worth noting before addressing parenting strategies: "Highly sensitive people are typically introverts, while empaths can be introverts or extroverts (although most are introverts). Empaths share a highly sensitive person's love of nature and quiet environments, their desire to help others, and their rich inner life." (source)

We can use what we know to our advantage.

Parenting Strategies for the HSP Parent

While mainstream parenting is, well, mainstream, we simply aren't. Therefore, we can't expect that standard parenting strategies would work well for us. If we try to fit into a certain "box" that doesn't reflect our sensitive nature, parenting might feel harder than it has to be.

Some of these ideas can lighten your load.

1. Be gentle with your children -- and with yourself.

Many of us have what feels like a whole lot of extra neurons dedicated to empathy. And HSPs, following a standard rote of discipline that leaves us feeling disconnected from our children simply isn't a good fit.

Parent gently. This includes "parenting" yourself, too. Be kind to yourself and keep your inner (and outer) voice in check.

reading people
This book has a wonderful and comprehensive chapter about the HSP personality type. (Afflinks. As an Amazon associate, we earn from qualifying purchases. Your purchases help us support important charities.)

If HSP parents treat our children harshly, many of us will internalize the punishment and feel it ourselves on some level. If our parents were harsh with us or ignored our big feelings and we have emotional memories of that, we'll feel those feelings all over again as we administer them in our own homes. That doesn't feel good.

Of course, children do need loving limits. With practice, we can hold those loving limits compassionately with our children while also healing your own inner child.

If you're new to gentle parenting or want to learn about it in ways that support the information in the books, many positive parenting groups exist to support you. Support from likeminded parents can help you navigate to a gentler way of being.

Release the pressure to discipline the way our parents did, or our peers did, or the way some outdated parenting book said we should.

Trust your sensitivity to be your ally and your guide.

2. Bank the time that you can't "take care of yourself first"--and find creative ways to weave self-care into your routines.

We all know we can't pour from an empty cup. We'd like to be able to take care of ourselves first. However, some HSPs find it challenging to find parenting strategies that balance self-care and our tendency to put others first.

For me, taking care of myself first just wasn't always my reality. When my child was very little, I couldn't just let her cry and "figure it out," no matter how exhausted I was. Despite the well-meaning (albeit unsolicited) advice from others, I let my heart lead my parenting.

I'd felt better if I'd parented lovingly and while being emotionally present for my child day and night.

Does that mean that I just abandoned my needs, though? Absolutely not. Something that worked really well for my family included reducing screen time and replacing it with story time. We also instituted screen-free days with unexpectedly positive results. That wouldn't work for everyone, of course, but I knew I needed my quiet time to recharge.

So, I created the best of both worlds: quiet and clutter-free areas around the house where I could go to read with (or near) her while still staying emotionally present.

I also made mornings our standard time to get out of the house. That way, I knew I could come home and everything would be quieter from that point forward in our day. Afternoons became a predictably sacred space for us.

"Home days" earned just as much priority as other appointments. I consciously worked to find the patience for positive parenting, knowing that practice would make our inner lives more peaceful. If I couldn't "go" to self-care, I brought peace to meet me where I was.

3. Ground yourself in who you were before kids.

Many HSPs grew up keenly aware of their sensitivities to sounds, bright lights, and overly gregarious people. Whatever external stimuli triggered you before having kids, they're likely still there, along with the responsibility to raise children despite them. And in many cases, kids are all the noise, lights, and excitement wrapped up into little human-sized packages of energy. That's standard child behavior.

That said, this is in no way a knock on children. They're perfectly good at being exactly who they were designed to be, lights and all. Life moves on, as they say, but becoming a parent doesn't mean you're not yourself anymore. Suddenly, you're responsible for raising a human who might challenge all of your HSP-ness.

Remember how you grounded yourself before you had children. What's something you haven't done in so long that you've nearly forgotten about it, but that helped you find peace?

Consider journaling as a way to reconnect with yourself. It's proven to be a solid and reliable way to express

HSP journal
Journaling can be helpful.

our own big feelings and working through them peacefully (source).

4. Connect outside the home--and inside it, too.

If you have an understanding partner, share your heart with them. A friend or a counselor can be a wonderful resource for an HSP, as well.

If you don't have a good circle of friends, create your community -- start somewhere. If you lack childcare or the desire to leave the house, connecting virtually can still lift you up. A video or phone chat with a faraway friend does wonders for refueling the emotional tank.

Within certain parameters, even social media can offer some benefits specifically for introverts, including the HSP. Connecting with other adults is easy to overlook because many don't consider it a "parenting strategy." However, connection is critical to our emotional wellbeing.

Connection, in turn, contributes to the emotional fuel we have on reserve for the challenging parenting days---and for all of the regular days, too. If social media starts to creep in too intrusively and negatively affect your relationships, however, know that there are many things you can do to keep your screen time in check.

Finally, not all connection needs to be with people. Connect spiritually. Connect with nature, too -- science shows how beneficial it can be for grounding ourselves (source).

The HSP Parent Can Be a Highly Attuned and Compassionate Caregiver

Rather than trying to fit into a mainstream mould that wasn't built for us in the first place, we get to create our own parenting strategies that honor who we are. We can create an approach that leaves us feeling encouraged and connected, even despite all the ways that parenting stretches us and pushes our boundaries.

With the natural bigheartedness of HSPs, our children will fare better when we embrace that which comes naturally to us. There's always room for more compassion in the world.

Further Resources for HSP Parents

There are a few really detailed and exceptionally good books to study, such as The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron, PhD, and Reading People by Anne Bogel (the latter is only a chapter, but it's entirely relevant). I HSP bookrecommend them to HSPs who want to understand themselves better. They're also beneficial to non-HSPs who want to understand us better.

You can watch a movie about highly sensitive people. You can even take a online quizzes to gauge whether you're a likely an HSP. If you've read this far, though, you probably already know the answer.

I didn't need a quiz or an HSP "label" to understand my own wiring, but it didn't hurt to know what to call it so that I could research beneficial parenting strategies more effectively.

With or without a quiz, if you understand yourself to be an HSP and want parenting strategies that support you, check back here for more resources soon -- including an online session dedicated to parenting a highly sensitive child.

I've thought long and hard about the best books for kids 2020. It's been an odd year; so odd, in fact, that my child said I might as well go ahead and give her all her Christmas gifts early. (Nice try.)

Not that things were necessarily easy when we were little--the playground could be a pretty rough place for everyone, and definitely so for a highly sensitive soul like mine. 

Fortunately, some of the best things from our childhoods are still around: great books. They were an incredible source of comfort and connection for me when I was a child, and they are for my child now, too.

That's part of the reason I've chosen some classics to represent the best books for kids 2020 -- keeping the eternal goodness of books alive and well!

I'm keenly aware of how books can help build a child's self-esteem and confidence in this ever-changing world.

Best books for kids 2020 -- benefits of reading to children

Did you know that reading books has particular benefits when you read them aloud together with your child? As Rasumussen College describes in this report, there are many benefits of reading aloud--not only to little kids, but from prenatal days all the way to adolescence! Wow!

That said, when I read to my kiddo and as I've admitted before, I'm something of a book snob. (Forgive me.) I really like good books that we can enjoy together and that engage us both. If I'm going to read a book 10,000 times (as I undoubtedly will), I want to like it, too.

Here are some of our top picks for best books for 2020, for ages 3-8 -- give or take a bit

Like I was, my daughter is a gentle and sensitive soul. She approves these as being among the best books for kids 2020, just like I do. Here's what we enjoy about each of them, along with how they build self-esteem and confidence! (afflinks)

best books for kids 2020
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Click on each title to see it on Amazon. 

1. I'm Gonna Like Me

Best Books for Kids 2020

Although I typically promote lesser-known authors, this great book for children just happens to be written by a celebrity. What we like most is that it's just an all around feel-good book.

Bonus points that it's witty and downright entertaining. My child and I come away smiling after we read it, even for the millionth time. No matter what mistakes the boy and girl (the main characters) make, they like themselves, anyway. When other kids are unkind, no problem.

Their self-esteem and confidence are independent of others kids' opinions of them (hello, playground wisdom)! (Special note to parents of sensitive kiddos: the so-called unkindness is extremely mild and the positive message is more than strong enough to compensate for it.)

Sometimes life hands us lemons, and these two choose to rise above it every time. We've read this book at least once per week for the past three years or so. It stands the test of time in our house!

2. The Girl Who Never Made Mistakes

Best Books for Kids 2020

I'll begin by saying that I watched a 20-something year-old man tear up (slightly) as he read this one. If your child has ever lamented that his or her creation didn't come out "perfectly," this will resonate. It did very much for my child, just as it did for me.

The character, despite being "perfect" for most of the book, is somehow completely relatable at the same time. If ever there were a book that tells a child that it's okay to relax and enjoy who he or she is, this is it, in our opinion.

It so beautifully captures the joy of letting go of small or big anxieties about who we are. It gives us permission to like ourselves despite our imperfections. What a wonderful gift!

As one final bonus reason I put this among the best books for kids 2020, is that it's SO relatable. We've watched the world turn upside-down this year, and frankly, many of us have made mistakes in front of our kids. This is a great book to help us all feel a bit more normal and connected through our imperfections.

3. Ish

Best Books for Kids 2020

Similar to the book above, the main character in this story wants his drawings to be perfect and is devastated when someone criticizes his work. When he learns that it's okay to be "good enough," he thrives and rediscovers the joy he had lost.

This is on our list of best books for children 2020 because it emphasizes "process over product"---the philosophy that learning happens through the joy of the creation itself, rather than how it looks in the end.

No one can live up to perfection, and this book makes it perfectly okay to just do the best you can.

4. It's Okay to Be Different

Best Books for Kids 2020

Well, the title pretty much sums it up! The pictures are silly and simple. The author chooses lots of ways people can be different, and the core of the message is simply that "You're alright just as you are." What an empowering message for kids of all ages. When it comes right down to it, have you ever met anyone who's not different from everyone else in some wonderful way? Anything that boosts kids' self-esteem and confidence, and helps them accept themselves just the way they are, will make it onto our best books for kids list.

5. Zoey & Sassafras

Best Books for Kids 2020

We think this is among the very best kids' book series. 

These differ from the others on our list in that they're chapter books, but they're appropriate even for young boys and girls. We started reading them when my child was about four years old. By five, she didn't want us to put them down. Still at 7 and with no end in sight, these make our best books for kids 2020 list because they're sincerely engaging. (Even my husband and I look forward to reading them. My guess is that they have no expiration date age-wise, ever.)

Even I wondered how the protagonist of the stories would help each of the magical animals she encountered. The writing is fantastic. The creativity is solid.

And when it comes to building kids' self-esteem and confidence, there's nothing like watching a child who persists despite adversity and solves tricky problems, to show the value of never giving up. She believes in herself and models how to do that. For what it's worth, I've even caught my husband turning pages when our child is nowhere around. They're that good.

6. Made by Raffi

Best Books for Kids 2020

The main character, Raffi, is so extremely relatable, feeling different from other kids and wondering if all kids feel that way. He wonders if he’s “normal,” just like many children have. And by “many” children, I mean every human who’s ever been a child. (Yep, that’s all of us.) This book addresses stereotypes of all kinds and how the protagonist finds self-confidence and acceptance, even when everyone else isn't quite like him. It’s a book every parent should read to his or her child, and then read to his or her own inner child, too. It’s exactly the right combination of feel-good message along with important life lesson.

7. Scaredy Squirrel Makes a Friend

Best Books for Kids 2020

Many of us are comfortable only within our "safe zones," and Scaredy is no exception. He's about as endearing as they come, with all sorts of irrational fears about coming out of his proverbial shell (or in this case, his tree).

Hilariously, we get to join him on his journey to build confidence and trust that the world isn't quite as dangerous as he fears. Like many of these books, it's stood the test of time in our house.

It always makes me smirk, no matter how many times we read it together. It's an excellent (albeit intentionally silly) model to help kids' build self-esteem and confidence.

8. Rosie Revere, Engineer

Best Books for Kids 2020

Rosie has a passion, but she hides it away for fear of mockery. As this story unfolds, however, she transforms into a bold and confident inventor.

What we like about this book is how it demonstrates that even people with good intentions can inadvertently turn kids away from their dreams; but Rosie overcomes that. We all face adversity in life, but this book helps kids build self-esteem and confidence even after emotional roadblocks.

We love how she recovers from the letdowns and bravely pursues her passion!

9. Little Iffy Learns to Fly

Best Books for Kids 2020

A great book for younger kids, this is a sweet and wonderful book for children. It speaks beautifully to trusting kids' natural development and readiness for milestones, and how pressure to make them do things before they're ready seldom works.

Despite adversity, Iffy finds himself in a situation that he didn't really want, but proves to himself that he's braver and stronger than he thought. We cheer for this little creature when his confidence shines through, feeling a sense of recognition in ourselves along his journey.

10. Nadia: The Girl Who Couldn't Sit Still

Best Books for Kids 2020

Based on the true story of Nadia Comaneci, Olympic gold medalist, this is another wonderful example of a child overcoming adversity through incredible persistence.

Although my impression of Nadia is that she was confident from the beginning, it would've been easy for her to lose hope along her journey. She didn't start out as one of the best gymnasts in the world. She experienced failure.

But she kept trying, believing in herself and in her abilities. Knowing that the real Nadia went through all of this before success came, it's a lovely example for children to help them build self-esteem and confidence.

11. Beautiful Oops

Best Books for Kids 2020

My child received this as a gift when she was three. Still now, she loves to read it. With few words, it's a great introduction for showing kids that mistakes can turn out alright, with the right perspective. There's always a bright side, even when something goes wrong!

We believe that if kids can internalize that they can choose their responses to situations that don't turn out how they want, they'll be better off in the long run.

12. Mae Among the Stars

Best Books for Kids 2020

So many of us have had others' agendas imposed upon us, and we've been left to wonder what life would've been like had we pursued our dreams. This is a beautiful story that addresses just that.

Mae, the protagonist of this story, decides she won't settle for what others want. She rises above others' doubts and finds her joy. As I read this book, I wanted to be Mae. She's strong; brave; real. She perseveres.

This is undoubtedly on our list of best books for kids 2020 to help them believe in themselves.

13. The Little Engine That Could

Best Books for Kids 2020

If this isn't the classic children's book to build self-esteem and confidence, I don't know what is. (Heads up to parents of sensitive kiddos: two of the trains bothered my child just a little until she was about 5, so we skipped them until she was ready.)

The little blue engine, as we all know, isn't the biggest or the strongest, but she believes in herself. She has enough heart to pull a load much greater than her own, up a much higher obstacle than she's encountered before. When it all comes down to it, that's exactly what I want my child to know she's capable of.

14. Elephant and Piggie Series

Best Books for Kids 2020

What's not to love about Piggie and Gerald? These books are funny and clever. As in, they make my husband and me laugh, not to mention our child.

Moreover, they almost always gently teach a lesson; share a moral, at child-level, that's one the child can take with them throughout their life. Best friend trouble? Difficulty sharing? Navigating someone new who wants to play? These and so many more topics are covered beautifully--and always with a happy ending.

P.S. Make sure to check for the sneaky pigeon at the end. He's always up to something.

*

Of course, the best way to help your child internalize these wonderful messages is to not only read the books together, but to discuss them, too. What a wonderful way to connect! 

Most kids have inherently good negotiation skills. Pull out a chocolate bar and tell kids to divide it up for themselves, and you'll find quick proof of that. When it comes to conflict resolution and self-regulation, however, many adults wonder whether children possess the emotional intelligence and executive functioning skills to navigate that territory. As a result, many grown-ups are quick to intervene and solve social problems for them. After all, emotions are tricky even for us to manage, so it's tempting to guide our kids when we sense trouble. I know because I've done it.

I'll share an example of how much better it can work when kids figure out how to resolve conflict for themselves, however. When I was in a play-based science class with a group of four- to six-year-olds last week, they made "squishy circuits," where they connected two sets of wires, Play Dough, and mini-lightbulbs to the positive and negative ends of batteries in a particular sequence. If they connected everything correctly, the lightbulbs would light up.

If there's any good exercise to measure kids' self-regulation, it's to hand them a set of "hot" wires and advise them to resist the temptation to touch them together.

Adults were there to help ensure the kids' safety, of course. (Personally, I'm thankful for observing Teacher Tom in action at another school I visit weekly. He's a world renowned teacher at a play-based preschool in Seattle. He's helped me chill considerably about what I consider dangerous for kids, and he facilitates conflict resolution better than any teacher I've ever seen.)

Once the kids got the hang of basic circuitry, they could get as creative as they wanted with their Play Dough inventions. One five-year-old girl who I'll call Catherine, who regularly displays high emotional intelligence and emotional self regulation, announced that she was going to use her Play Dough to make a kitty with a water bowl. Often demonstrating strong executive functioning skills, she's a "stick to the plan" kind of kid. (Executive functioning includes things like self-control, planning, and the ability to remember instructions. If you're looking for a deeper understanding of executive functioning and self-regulation, this article from Harvard's Center for the Developing Child describes them well.) So, she set to work right away while most of the other kids rolled their materials around haphazardly, deciding what to make.

After about 10 minutes, the girl next to Catherine, another five-year-old I'll call Mia, reached over and demolished Catherine's kitty. I've observed that Mia sometimes lacks the executive function skills to self-regulate. Looking flabbergasted, Catherine called me over to help resolve the conflict, announcing matter-of-factly what Mia had done. It was obvious. Catherine's blue Play Dough that Mia squashed was still in the center of Mia's palm. Mia had been using green.

Before I could say a word, Mia announced loudly, "I didn't do anything wrong!"

Designing the electric circuits suddenly became far less important than addressing the brain circuitry that drives self-regulation, conflict resolution, and emotional intelligence.

I felt tempted to call Mia out on her transgression and show my frustration. My first impulse was to ask her what the heck she was thinking. (I'm still learning and have to catch myself, too.) However, I know an objective tone is more helpful for encouraging honest dialogue. So, I took a breath and stated neutrally to both of them, "It sounds like something happened here." Mia has older siblings at home, and I know she's no stranger to managing conflict situations. I can't say with certainty, however, where she is on developing her executive functioning skills.

Solving the problem for these kids wouldn't help either of them grow their emotional intelligence, nor would it strengthen self-regulation or conflict resolution skills.

Dealing with conflict is a hard life skill to learn, because frankly, negative emotions are hard. I'm an adult and I still don't like conflict. We're not "wired" to like it. However, the ability to recognize someone else's point of view goes a long way toward developing emotional intelligence and self-regulation.

So, I continued.

Me, in a curious and non-accusatory tone: "Mia, I observe blue Play Dough in your hands. I'm feeling curious about that."

Mia: "Well, I did squash her kitty, but she had just started working on it. She didn't care."

Catherine: "I didn't just start working on it. I had been working on it the whole time! It was important to me."

Me: "Hmmm. Catherine, I hear you saying that it was important to you."

Being an active listener, including playing back what you've heard, is a key ingredient in helping kids resolve conflicts. It shows that you're internalizing what they said, and essentially invites them to continue while feeling supported. Accusation is counterproductive; only when kids feel supported can they grow their emotional intelligence effectively.

And as is true with many things, when it comes to engaging in kids' conflicts, less is more. Less adult talking is more beneficial to kids learning to solve problems on their own. When they feel capable of doing that, it reinforces growth in the self-regulation and executive functioning parts of their brains.

Adults rarely need to solve kids' problems. Sometimes, we need to mediate conflict resolution. Most often, we need to trust them to try it on their own.

Catherine and Mia continued without prompting.

Catherine, addressing me: "I really didn't feel so happy when she did that."

Mia, to Catherine: "No, you were happy."

Catherine: "No, I really didn't feel so happy when you did that."

Mia: "Oh." Mia's eyes went downcast then with apparent remorse, and perhaps with understanding the deeper connection between emotions and behavior.

At that point, they sat together silently, in what seemed to be somewhere between an impasse and emotional connection. I paused for long enough that I was sure each had finished saying her piece. When neither continued, I suggested next steps without solving anything for them, similar to creating a negotiated agreement in a boardroom.

Me: "I'm going to guess that nobody in the room likes getting their Play Dough squashed. I'm wondering if that's true."

Both girls, agreeing: "Yeah. No one should squash Play Dough."

Me: "Okay, then. I think you've solved a problem. Since no one likes getting their stuff squashed, I wonder if we can agree not to squash anyone else's stuff, either." (I essentially played back the solution they'd reached, just broadening it slightly.)

Both girls, nodding vigorously: "Yeah. Let's do that. No squashing people's stuff!" I could almost see the self-regulation synapses connecting in Mia's brain. Moreover, Catherine's emotional intelligence was growing by having expressed her frustration in an appropriate way. She felt "heard" and could move on. Her emotions had no reason to escalate. Executive functioning in action.

All of us: Exhale. Resolution. Consensus.

Both girls seemed resolved in the matter. Their conflict was now water under the bridge. They moved forward happily with their projects.

I fully trust that their self-identified conflict resolution did far more for their executive functioning skills than any punishment or forced apology could have.

If I've learned anything about supporting executive function and conflict resolution, it's kids' far-reaching capacity to figure things out when we give them the space, and the trust, to try.

And the sooner we let them try, the better. Studies show that practice between the ages of three and five is particularly beneficial. This is also the age that their working memory develops in leaps and bounds, so that they'll have specific experiences upon which to draw as they get older. Areas of the brain that develop during this timeframe are profound and substantially important for future interactions. Some would argue that the ability to self regulate and strong emotional intelligence skills matter far more than IQ alone.

Socially skilled kids can focus attention on managing conflict and growing their relationships with peers. It's possible because they already have the emotional intelligence and self-regulation tools in place to do those things. Conversely, those with executive functioning issues need more practice. The adults in their lives will support them best by resisting the urge to dive in and rescue them when they see any type of conflict; but rather, by letting them attempt their own conflict resolution, even if they get it wrong. Practice makes perfect, right? Our presence is beneficial and sometimes necessary, but our words should be few.

Maybe emotions are tricky for adults to manage because some of us didn't get enough practice when we were kids. I don't know. What I do know anecdotally, however, is that emotionally intelligent kids usually grow up to be emotionally intelligent people (adult-sized, because, of course, kids are people, too). The ability to understand and manage emotions, resolve conflict, and display emotional intelligence is a lifelong gift to ourselves and those around us.

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In the dance class I’ve written about before and that I help teach, the kids sometimes use colorful scarves as props during freestyle dancing. It’s really fun to watch them swirl and twirl, unless you’re watching littlest Julianne*, where you wonder how long it’ll take her to accidentally wrap up her feet and wipe out. The less fun part, however, is handing out the orange, yellow, green, red, blue, and purple scarves before the dancing begins. Almost all the kids are fine with any color, but a few want only purple. There aren’t enough purple scarves to go around, nor can two kids share the same scarf at the same time. When kids want the same thing, dance class quickly morphs into a crash course in economics, whereby some struggle with supply and demand. Scarcity makes the heart grow fonder.

When I hand out the scarves, it works best when I’m playful about it. I reach into the bag as if it were a magic hat full of rabbits. I act shocked and amazed each time a new color comes out, much to the delight of the kids. They get caught up enough in the game that they’re usually unconcerned with what color they get. If someone does get upset, some sincere active listening and empathy usually help them process and move on quickly. “Yes, I see how much you wanted the purple. You feel disappointed.” The child invariably affirms that I’ve understood correctly and then moves on with her dancing. If she’s still upset, although it rarely happens, she can process as long as she needs to.

With that in mind, I’d like to challenge the notion that if you give something to one child, all the other kids will want the same thing.

I just don’t buy it. Maybe it’ll be an issue for some. But most of the time, it’s really not a big deal to them, at least not for age four (or so) and above. Many kids already have the emotional intelligence to delay gratification. They already know from their life experience that they’re likely to get a turn with the purple scarf, or whatever the object of their affection may be, at some point.

And most of them know exactly what to do about it if they want the same thing that another child has. The adults around them model sharing and taking turns every day, and like everything else, kids pick up on what they observe. Learning to share happens naturally in its own time.

In fact, early childhood is a fantastic time for kids to practice taking turns and sharing on their own terms.

Case in point: After I’d handed out the scarves one day, Amelia, who’s one of the youngest in the group of 4-8 year olds, requested for my attention. The music and dancing had already started. At her request, though, I kneeled down so she could whisper in my ear. She inquired politely, “I noticed that Josie has a purple scarf. I’d really like to take a turn with it. May I ask her if she’d trade with me?”

Absolutely, yes.

Josie was just beyond my earshot, but I watched Amelia walk up to her and engage her in a quick and friendly exchange. I watched Josie smile and nod. The girls traded scarves; one smiling because she’d gotten the color she wanted, and the other smiling because she got to help a friend. They worked it out. She shared. Happily. Easily.

I’ve seen this negotiation of “sharing” happen just as often with boys as girls; in dance class and on playgrounds. I could’ve just as easily written this piece about a group of boys working together to build a skeleton from individual x-ray images during science class a few weeks ago. However, it’s less desirable to write about yanking on femurs.

When kids want the same thing at the same time, they can usually work it out. Adults don’t need to interfere. We can trust them to negotiate for themselves, often without any mediation. We don’t need to worry that we’re setting a bad precedent if we give a child something he or she requests.

Provided that we’re using common sense and modeling courtesy to others, we can relax.

We don’t need to force so-called sharing or taking turns. Children do it quite naturally most of the time. Policing is far less important than giving them the chance to practice. And when better to practice than in childhood?

* Names changed for privacy. 

Knowing her grandparents will soon be asking for gift ideas for our daughter, my husband and I decided to take our five year old window shopping today. As usual and as I've written about before, we began with the caveat that although we wouldn't buy anything, we'd take pictures of what she likes so that we're sure to remember. This approach has pretty much been golden for us since she was two, and learning to delay gratification has contributed well to her growth mindset.

Today, however, she was really short on sleep. Even for me, an adult, a lack of sleep thwarts even the very best laid plans. Still, we pursued our endeavor to leave the house.

Upon entering the store, our child uncharacteristically said, "I've decided we're not just going to look at toys. We're going to buy some for me today to take home." I gently and clearly reminded her of our mission. And I hoped for the best.

We made it past the greeting card aisle and into the craft aisle. On display with the crafts, they were selling a sewing machine for kids. She picked it up and announced, "This is what we're buying for me today. Let's go check out now."

Oh, dear. We were only in the second aisle. And we really, really weren't going to buy anything.

I wish I had a dime for every time I'd seen a parent in a similar predicament. I'd be able to buy a thousand sewing machines. Regardless, this was really unlike her.

I acknowledged how much she wanted it and reminded her that we'd put it on her list. I took a picture of it, and for good measure, so did my husband.

She announced that she would carry it through the store with us until it was time to check out, and then we'd buy it. I let her know that she'd be welcome to carry it through the store, but that we'd put it back on the shelf before leaving. Setting expectations upfront usually does wonders for keeping things mutually agreeable. However, the "mutually" wasn't happening here today. So, I presented it as a loving limit and took the time to discuss and validate how she felt.

Sure enough, she chose to carry it through the store, anyway. She had no interest in looking at any other toys. We stopped to look at some decorations and at a few items for my husband, but that was it. She wanted to go no farther, though, so we returned to the craft aisle, the sewing machine still firmly in her grip.

We had nowhere else to be, so we did a bit of emotion coaching to help her. However, it was still a no-go for her. She said she'd wait there "forever" until we bought it. Taking it from her forcefully would do nothing for her emotional intelligence, our connection, or her growth mindset. So we waited, letting her feelings be what they were, and trusting that this was temporary.

After awhile, I asked her to think of a way she'd be willing to leave it at the store. Because she wasn't in an emotional place to think logically right then, I offered her the options of either putting it back right away or walking toward the exit while she held onto it, until we reached the checkout area. At that point, her option would be to hand it to my husband to put back before we reached the door. She chose the latter. And for whatever reason, she quickly put the sewing machine back on the shelf where it belonged. However, she grabbed a unicorn craft that was nearby and held onto it just as steadfastly.

Clearly it wasn't about the toy for her; it was about the process of working within limits.

However, near the checkout area, she changed her mind and wouldn't relinquish it. At that point, I shared a story with her about a time when I was little and didn't get a toy I wanted. Her demeanor changed. She softened. For the first time in awhile, she looked me in the eyes and connected. She felt understood.

Shortly thereafter, she offered, "I don't want to put it back on the shelf. I want to put it somewhere...else."

I replied, "It's too hard to take it back to the craft aisle. You want to put it somewhere different."

"Yes. I want to hide it and see if Daddy can find it."

Fortunately, because she's five, her hiding places often include instructions such as, "Please don't look behind the chair."

She looked resolved, proud of having solved the problem herself. All she needed was the time and emotional support to do it.  So, off we set on a short mission to find the perfect hiding place for it. After testing a few options, she settled on setting it between the feet of a mannequin. She promptly informed her Daddy not to look there. (Daddy, of course, returned it to its proper place once we were out of sight, and she confirmed later that it was exactly what she'd wanted him to do.)

And off we went to the car; her, sad but accepting, growing in her ability to solve problems. Even among the shiny objects; even when sleep deprived, she found a way to do it that was mutually agreeable. We can both sleep well tonight.

Although I was on the other side of the playground when it started, I suspect the conversation began something like this: "Hey, let's see if you can throw the football so hard that it gets stuck in the tree!" Perhaps having never experienced the frustration of getting a ball stuck up high, this young boy saw an opportunity to try something new.

Most of us have wished for the lost moments of our life back when we were working to retrieve an irretrievable item. As a result, most of us have made an unwritten rule that we should never throw something up there intentionally.

But not this boy.

Fortunately, his muse (who happens to be his teacher) is often game for challenging long-held beliefs--especially the ones that adults have imposed on kids, often without good reason. Rules for rules' sake, you know. "The way we've always done things."

By the time I arrived, they were drawing a crowd. We watched our impromptu quarterback throw the ball upwards toward the high branches. It's amazing how hard it is to get a ball to stick in a tree the one time you want it to stay there!

With some effort, but not too much, he threw the ball high enough. And it stuck, way up there. Right where the boy wanted it. Everyone rejoiced in the victory we all wanted.

We found joy in breaking a rule about how things "should" be. At least I did. It felt wonderful to do something differently than many would, just because we could. On some level, we found freedom in it.

As parents, we can find the same freedom.

We get to switch things up. We get to examine the rules we consciously hold because they've always been that way. Perhaps our parents raised us perfectly; gently; respectfully. It's good to emulate that in all the ways we can. Or perhaps they didn't, and now, with our own children, we can challenge our long-held beliefs about parenting. We get to break negative cycles. It's important to do that, too.

Sure, some rules make good sense; I'm not suggesting we throw our belongings into trees. Still, along with the rules we know we have, we can catch a glimpse of the ones we didn't even know we were holding. Maybe we reconsider a "truth" we have about discipline, boundaries, or the innate goodness of children.

In examining these things, we regain the same type of freedom that the boy unleashed for us by wanting the ball in the tree. We get to do things our way, even if they're different from what our parents and friends have done with their kids. We get to make our own rules, tossing out our parenting "shoulds" and replacing them with, "Sure, let's try that."

Having this freedom in parenting is not only a gift to our kids, but it's a gift to ourselves, too. Once we know the rules that don't serve our families well, we get to launch them as high and as far as we dare. And they can stick there, never returning.

There's incredible freedom in letting go.

At one of the schools I have the pleasure of visiting regularly, this week's craft table featured what the teacher appropriately called the "paper guillotine," along with some glue and paper. At one point, an unsuspecting adult walked over and saw the setup. She inquired, only half-jokingly, "Oh, is this the table where you slice off your finger and then glue it right back on?" I laughed, albeit a little nervously. I admit I wondered the same thing when I first saw the guillotine. These are four- and five-year-olds using a very sharp tool, after all. However, I trust the kids' teacher implicitly, so if the paper guillotine is out, we go with it (with appropriate supervision).

Every week, I hear adults guide children as well as they can to help ensure their safety and well-being. What troubles me, though, is that despite their unquestionably good intentions, I all too often hear the adults telling the kids what not to do, without further comment or guidance. With all the time I spend in child-focused settings (schools and otherwise), I often get firsthand insight into the kids' experiences.

The "nots" and "don'ts" serve a valid purpose in our adult brains. They convey to our kids what they aren't supposed to do. They also leave me feeling really, well, deflated at the end of the day. And the adults aren't correcting me. They're correcting the kids. What's intended as helpful correction sometimes comes across as criticism and disapproval, and the kids' self-confidence simply can't thrive in that environment.*

Keep reading, though, because we can fix this.

To be sure, kids need guidance. They need discipline in the sense of "teaching," along with clear boundaries. And they need support while they figure out what we adults expect of them. Janet Lansbury, early childhood expert, writes extensively about the different forms boundaries take and how to navigate them with your kids, while building their self-confidence. Although she often writes about toddlers, the concepts she unpacked for me in this life-changing book still apply long after toddlerhood (afflinks). This is another great book that's full of practical suggestions and real-life scenarios.

That said, the tricky part is that just by virtue of being kids, they're, um, new here. To Earth. Their brains are still figuring out all sorts of things the rest of us have known for awhile. And in their defense, while many of them can and do understand what not to do, they still need help connecting the dots to what they should do, instead. Even school-age children have only been in school for a short time, and they're still figuring out how the rules and communication styles differ from person to person; classroom to classroom.

And in almost all the places where I see adults (both teachers and parents) interacting with children, I see all sorts of completely avoidable emotional strife. If we adults tweak our approach just a bit, it can remove any doubt in the child's mind about what we really want from them, while helping grow their self-confidence. We can make life easier for them and for ourselves. Who wants unnecessary conflict, anyway?

Here's what I've seen some of the best adult-leaders (teachers and parents) do that works beautifully. As the mother of my own child, I'm trying to emulate these concepts.

Three Ways to Talk to a Child to Build Her Self-Confidence

1. Flip Your Wording to Tell Kids What To Do

Every time you feel a "don't" or a "stop" message about to come out of your mouth, replace it with the opposite, positive statement. Rather than "Don't push," try, "Please keep your hands to yourself." If it helps you practice until it comes naturally, you can add the "do." Example: "Please do keep your hands to yourself." Instead of, "Stop throwing papers on the floor," try, "Please keep papers on the table." "Please walk" is just as easy to say as "Don't run," but the emotional tone is much more empowering. The child will know exactly what to do.

It's amazing how much less defensively kids (and, ahem, adults) respond when they're given positive instructions rather than directives that imply they're about to misbehave, even when they're doing everything right. From what I've witnessed, it makes a huge difference in the tone of the room, be it a classroom or at home.

2. Set Clear Expectations Without Conditions

A common pitfall I observe is when adults get the positive wording right, but then they attach a threat or consequence to it. For example, "Keep the crayons in the box or I'll have to take them away." Unfortunately, this approach strengthens kids' self-confidence no better than negative instructions do. Both activate the same part of the brain that signals danger, and it's hard to thrive that way. An example of what would convey the same message without the threat would be, "The crayons are for later, so please leave them in the box. First, it's time for a story."

3. Catch Kids Doing Something Right

I love it when I hear an adult call out kids who are doing something right. The catch here is to avoid indirectly shaming the kids who aren't doing it right, but rather, to build trust that we see kids in all their goodness. I love hearing, "Hey, I noticed how everyone in the class was quiet while I was explaining our activity today. I really appreciate that." Or, quietly to a child in the classroom, "Matty, I noticed you kept your hands to yourself today. Thanks for doing that." Alternatively, at home, "Thank you so much for cleaning up your spill without me asking you to do it! You sure do know how to help around here. I appreciate you."

I love how kids glow when they hear that they're getting things right.

We all want to do the right thing. Even the youngest of us do. 

In the class with the paper guillotine, what worked beautifully was this: "This tool is really sharp. The only thing that can go under the blade is paper. Keep your fingers out from under it when you push down on the lever." I'm happy to report that no fingers or other appendages became victims of the paper guillotine that day. All of the kids knew exactly what to do with the tool, because they'd been told what to do with it. We took the time to clearly and positively instruct them. Everyone who tried it appeared to find it fascinating, and dare I say, fun. Every single one of the kids went in giving the machine the side-eye, but knowing what to do, their self-confidence grew when it worked.

Raising our own children can be a lot like that: seemingly kind of scary at first, but when everyone figures out what to do, life can really go quite smoothly. The more we practice positive parenting, the more our confidence in the process can grow. And with peaceful smiles on our faces, we'll watch our kids' self-confidence soar.

________________________________________________________________________

*Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201106/your-child-s-self-esteem-starts-you

Every week, I help teach a dance class. And every week for the past three months, six-year-old Lexi (not her real name) has had to be first in line when the children await their dance props (scarves and whatnot). When it's time to line up, she'll push other kids out of the way to get the prime spot. When she's dancing on stage and someone has a more desirable position than hers, she'll inch her way into the other dancer's space, slowly edging her out until she's right where she wants to be. Some of this can be very normal in child development. It's frustrating at times and certainly not how all kids develop, but normal for some children, nonetheless.

And up until last Monday, the kids in dance class had been finding ways to coexist with her without too much strife. I chalked it up to the world needing both leaders and followers. Some people are just a bit trickier than others.

Most kids naturally learn how to deal with different personalities.

Last week, however, Lexi was particularly rough when barreling over some of the other girls. This time, they didn't like it. And the more they tried to work with (and around her), the more determined she became.

Try as I might to stay patient and let them work it out, I was getting frustrated with this girl.

When I'm busy with a lot of kids, it's sometimes hard to remember that children usually know exactly what they need. They often know what would help remedy their undesirable behavior. Fortunately, I saw the struggling child in front of me, along with the opportunity to facilitate. So, I pulled her aside, hoping she'd take a shot at figuring out how to be fair to the other girls.

Kids are usually quite adept at peacefully working through their challenges when we give them the space to try. I wanted to treat her as a problem-solving partner.

At first when I tapped her on the shoulder and asked her to leave the stage with me for a moment, she furrowed her brow and crossed her arms, clearly in a defensive posture. She followed me, and we sat side-by-side on a stair. Starting with a problem statement, I told her, "I'm seeing lots of sad faces on lots of girls today. It seems that many of them want to have a turn being first in line."

She paused, looking momentarily perplexed. It seemed as if she were expecting me to chew her out.

I continued, "I wonder what we could do to keep it fair for everyone. Let's talk about some ideas."

Observing a wave of relief wash over her when she realized I was engaging her peacefully, she replied, "Oh, I know! We could make a list of everyone's names and then take turns, going down the list, to see who goes first."

Smiling, I told her I thought that seemed really reasonable.

And then I promptly ruined the moment by saying something about the "need to be fair" in a way that she could have perceived as condescending, which was exactly the opposite of what I hoped to do. Grrr. I felt instant remorse, but it was too late.

She continued just as she had before, pushing and clamoring over others to be first.

I heard myself wonder more than once, "What in the world is going on with her?"

And then it dawned on me. I should ask her.

As I've written about before, expert Kelly Matthews of A Place for You Early Childhood Consulting suggests (and as she learned from her mentor, Deb Curtis), “Don’t get mad, get curious.”

I'm decent (not perfect, but decent) at "getting curious" when it's my own child, but I'd forgotten this sage advice in a busy room full of movement and noise. Fortunately, that wisdom returned to me while I still had another chance to try it.

I pulled Lexi aside again. Her demeanor wasn't much better than the first time I'd done it. I don't blame her. But I stated factually, "It seems like something is hard for you today. I'm here if you'd like to talk about it."

And this time, she sat me down on the stairs, girls moving all around us. She seemed oblivious to them. She proceeded to tell me how she "never" gets to be first for anything at home: she has an older brother, and "he's the meanest". In her words, he never lets her do anything, and her parents always side with him because he's older and "knows more." She reinforced how hard that is before adding that she was missing her Mom.

I sat quietly, listening.

She continued that her Mom has been gone for awhile, visiting her Grandma far away. And her Grandma is dying. And she doesn't really know what that means, but she knows she misses her Mom and doesn't know why she can't come home to be with her.

On she went, citing all her very real troubles. Suddenly it made perfect sense why she was acting out here in class.

She didn't need shaming, lectures, or punishment; she needed connection. She needed someone to listen.

Understanding children's behavior happens best when we connect with them. When she was done sharing her story, I simply nodded, said I understood, and asked if she'd like a hug. She said yes. And then she wanted another. After that, she ran off, back to the group, and then out the door as class was ending.

For the next week until class met again, I wondered about her.

And then it was class time again.

I said nothing. However, I made sure to smile and go out of my way to say I was glad to see her. She told me about her new loose tooth (it's her first one!).

I observed that every time the girls lined up at the wall, she put herself third in line. Always exactly third. She didn't push anyone or do anything that would cause a teacher to raise an eyebrow.

As I've written about before, I know the importance of catching her doing something right.

So, at the end of class, I tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I wanted to let you know I saw how hard you worked to keep class fair for everyone today. You let others go first. I see the effort you made. Thank you so much."

She smiled sincerely and added, "Yes, and I even offered my purple dancing scarf to another girl who I know likes purple, even though it's my favorite color!" She switched from smiling to all-out beaming, proud of herself. As she should be.

I get a lot of things wrong, but I do my best to assimilate what I've learned from other wise parents and teachers. I don't take credit for anything here--all I did was listen to Lexi. It's the simplest idea; the simplest way to connect. And as it turns out, that's exactly, and all, she needed.

*

Update: Three more weeks have passed. She runs up to me and says hello every time she sees me. Her tooth is still loose, and her cooperation in class continues to be stellar (with no prompting whatsoever). Connection works, friends. I'm so proud of her. 

Cleaning with kids isn't easy---sometimes it seems like all they want to do is play! One day, though, everything changed in how I viewed the process. Suddenly, life got a whole lot easier.

I was in the kitchen making homemade almond butter (yum!). My five-year-old walked in with her cup of water and announced, "Mommy, let's pretend you're working in a bakery!" That sounds about right, considering how much time I spend cooking.

She added, "I've brought my cup of water for any of your customers who want it!"

As she started towards me, water still in hand, her steps turned into bunny hops. (I love how kids do that.) However, as she quickly learned, hopping with an open cup of water quickly makes for a wet bunny-child and slippery floor.

I reminded her that we keep rags in the drawer near where she was standing. Usually, reminding her where the cleaning supplies live (or where things go) works much better than a direct request to clean.

Example of what doesn't fly in our house: "Please put away your shoes."

What usually works better: "Shoes live in the utility room."

This time, however, when I reminded her where we keep the rags, she responded with a happy and factual tone, "That's not my job." That's right--she just had me working in a bakery, so she must do something else for a living. A five-year-old has to earn her keep somehow, right?

Ahem. New strategy required. Fortunately, I've read some amazing books that address situations like these, including cleaning with kids. My favorites are this one and this one (afflinks) and they've inspired much of how we live.

That aside, knowing that Dictator Mommy--the part of me that's sometimes tempted to tell her what to do--usually (and rightfully) gets overthrown, I realized that playing along was my best bet.

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Cleaning with Kids Strategy 1: Play Along

"Oh," I informed her, "This is what's called a cooperative bakery! Instead of paying money, all the customers who come in pay for their donuts by doing a specific job when they get here." I held up my imaginary donut. "Today, you get to help me wipe up the bakery floor!"

"Ooh," she responded, wide-eyed and ready, "Okay!" Off she went, and within seconds, she'd wiped up the spill. I handed her a delicious piece of air, which she happily pretended to gobble up.

It's not always that easy, of course.

Truth be told, I'd always rather play than clean, so how can I blame her? Happily, we do find ways to make it easy sometimes.

Strategy 2: Bring Objects to Life 

Another day, we had to clean the hardwood floors, but she really didn't want to. She wanted me to play with her. I heard her out, empathized, and agreed that playing with her would be more fun. Still, sometimes "no" has to happen with a loving limit. I reassured her that we'd play again as soon as the floors were done.

I got out our floor mop along with its colorful and eco-friendly reusable pads. Much to our surprise, however, the crazy yellow pad didn't want to go on the mop! I pretended it was trying to--really?--give me a haircut! I was shocked and appalled. There was NO WAY I'd allow it to touch my head. Once I finally convinced it to stay on the floor, it managed to pull me all over the place in directions I didn't want to go. Cheeky mop!

Within moments, my daughter needed a turn. And do you know what? That crazy Yellow Fellow (as we dubbed him) pulled her all through the living room and down the hallway. It even pulled her into the bathroom. Such nerve it had pulling her around like that! I made sure she knew all the while how "broken" the Yellow Fellow was. For awhile, she even traded it for her own cleaning tools. She thought it was hilarious, even if she knew full well that she was the one "driving" them. And she cleaned the floor thoroughly because, on some level, she knew exactly what the tools were supposed to do.

Strategy 3: Play the "Whatever You Do" Game

Sometimes, we play the "Whatever You Do" game, in which I dramatically say things like, "Whatever you do, do NOT unload the silverware from the dishwasher. That would be SO TERRIBLE! I couldn't bear to watch!" She knows by the smile in my eyes that I'm joking. And then I feign horror as she tortures me with her work. As an aside, this one translates well to a whole host of situations. I started saying it when she was about three (along with explaining how the game worked the first time I tried it). It's worked like magic ever since.

Cleaning with Kids Strategy 4: Solve Problems Together, Using Kids' Terms

When the toys, art supplies, or whatever-it-is get out of control, sometimes it's simply a safety issue. In this case, I'll present it accurately as my own problem, as in, "I'm worried someone will trip on all of this. Let's find a safe place to put this doll / this ball / this whatever-it-is. Where can we put it to keep everyone safe?" I choose one item at a time to avoid overwhelming her with the enormity of the task. It may look like a quick and easy job to my adult eyes, but her eyes--and her brain--see things differently.

And for whatever reason, speaking in her terms and "putting things to bed" really resonates with her. We pick up her toys and put them all to bed, even if they're things like cars or tractors. This strategy has worked quite effectively since she was about two. Sometimes we do a variation of it and find "parking places" for things, but all sorts of toys and books simply need their shuteye. If she pushes back, empathizing and reminding her that they'll wake up again in the morning usually helps.

Strategy 5: Model What I Want to See, Including Connection

Most importantly, I respect that if someone asked me to clean spur of the moment, I might push back, too (especially if I were in the middle of doing something else). Cleaning with kids is no different. If she simply won't help some days, that's okay. I let it go and don't force it. I respond sincerely, "I trust you'll help me next time." More often than not, she does help the next time. A single power struggle just isn't worth her resisting in the future if she starts to see cleaning as a control issue.

She loves it when I offer to help her. Like all kids, she craves connection and togetherness more than just about anything else. Knowing I'll be with her while we work helps accomplish that for her. In fact, she often says, "Oh good--we get to spend more time together if we clean!" (Yeah, I raised an eyebrow the first time she said it, but it's true.) And now, she's sometimes quite proactive when she sees a mess that needs cleaning, with or without my help. She didn't learn by being told what to do. She learned by observing and by being invited.

Strategy 6: Manage My Expectations 

Reminding myself what's appropriate for her age really helps, too. Just like I don't expect her to take the car in for an oil change, I also understand that some tasks are simply beyond her ability. And her ability might not look the same every day, depending on all sorts of variables. Picking up all the Legos while her favorite TV show is on might, sometimes, legitimately be too overwhelming or distracting for her developing brain.

Is my house perfect? Heck no. It's nowhere near what it used to be before I had a child, and I really appreciate a heads up before friends stop over. Rather than lowering the bar entirely, though (hey, that'd just be one more thing to trip over), we've found ways to work together. We've created a low-pressure household where we all help each other by choice rather than by mandate. We don't call cleaning "chores" or attach a financial or other physical rewards to our work. In truth, I don't "get" her to do anything. We just agree to help each other without forcing it. It works surprisingly well.

I dare say cleaning with kids can sometimes be incredibly fun.

positive parenting
Helpful positive discipline book for WAY beyond preschool, in my opinion

We were every cliché: she spilled her milk all over the table and was using her fingers to spread it into a big and messy design; I was already waaaay late making dinner. I was feeling anxious and frustrated, and struggling to be mindful of the positive parenting ideas from part one of this article. (Yep, I'm human, too.) Forget "don't cry over spilled milk"—I just wanted her to stop it.

Doing my best to manage my frustration but failing pretty miserably, I heard myself ask impatiently, "What are you doing?" It was a ridiculous question. My eyes work. I could see what she was doing. Fortunately, she overlooked my tone and simply responded, "I'm doing what the book said. I'm turning an 'oops' into something beautiful!" (afflinks) Oh. That's right! I taught her that positive outlook from a book, and I did it intentionally there in that gentle parenting-driven exchange (cough, cough, ahem...I wish).

As it turns out, I had just gotten lucky. As expert Kelly Matthews of A Place for You Early Childhood Consulting suggests (and as she learned from her mentor, Deb Curtis), "Don't get mad, get curious!" Wow, what a paradigm shift, and what a wonderful mantra for the heat of the moment! I'll admit that when I'm in a tough place mentally, my default is sometimes frustration. When I'm in that mental state, I don't always assume the best of my child's intentions. That's my problem, though, and not hers. Oftentimes, she's simply exploring something in an age-appropriate way* that my adult brain has forgotten; wondering how something works rather than trying to break it.

Before you think I'm saying you should never be angry or frustrated, let me clarify. All your emotions are valid. Anger and frustration serve a necessary purpose—they're your built-in warning system that a boundary has been crossed, no matter the source. In addition, anger often covers up other emotions that warrant exploring, if you can imagine anger as the tip of a complex iceberg**. It's critical that you be able to express your anger in productive ways. So, the questions become how you process and express it, and what you can do to maintain gentle parenting even when you're upset.

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In the toughest moments, when gentle parenting seems impossible, you can try a few things to ground yourself:

1. Don't get mad; get curious

Take two seconds and remember those wise words: "Don't get mad, get curious." Consider the possibility that you might be missing some information that would change your perspective. Case in point: my girl's attempt to "fix" her spill by turning it into art. Incidentally, after writing this article, I read the best chapter I've ever read about anger and other big feelings. Although I wish the book's title were different, since, in my opinion, the information applies waaaaay beyond little kids, Positive Discipline for Preschoolers is an incredible resource. It's hugely insightful and offers a host of helpful ideas for you and your child.

2. Make eye contact

I can't overestimate the power of looking into your child's eyes. Before you say anything at all, get on your child's level and look directly into his gaze. It's much easier to feel upset with another person when you're in fight or flight mode and looking at a mess / the back of your child's head / anything that doesn't drive empathy. Conversely, it's much easier to feel compassion toward another person when you're looking him in the eye. Drs. Seigel and Bryson suggest getting even lower than your child's eye level to remove the intimidation factor (details in their book).

This type of "look me in the eye" is completely different than how many of us were raised, where a threat was attached to it. This is an effort to rebuild connection, regardless who was wronged in the tough situation through which you're working. Genuine, sincere eye contact "in the moment" can diffuse all sorts of negativity. Moreover, eye contact on a regular basis is connection technique that lasts. Practice it genuinely and authentically. The more you practice really seeing your child and connecting visually in the good moments, the more of a default it will be in the bad ones.

3. Use your inside voice

Now, it's (maybe) time to say something to your child. Some of us naturally yell when we're upset. Others of us, don't. Either way, we all have a "mad voice," and our kids recognize it. For the record, I don't write "inside voice" to sound patronizing; rather, I use it because we've all heard it, so it's easy to remember. No matter your volume, when you're ready to talk, speak to your child much more quietly than you normally would. If you're thinking, "...but my kids don't listen unless I yell," I'd challenge you to rock their worlds—and get their attention—by doing the opposite of what you normally do. Even if you're naturally soft spoken, whispering (or using a quiet voice) takes intimidation off the table and helps you connect to your child.

From an evolutionary perspective, yelling raises adrenaline and helped earlier humans prepare their bodies to fight. We certainly weren’t going to reason with a saber tooth tiger. So, to the extent that yelling can actually increase your anger*** rather than quell it, whispering can automatically reduce the adrenaline that fuels it. A quieter voice than usual, then, makes you calmer and may reduce your child's resistance to what you're saying. Win/win. Note, if you're seething and whisper-yelling through gritted teeth, skip to idea #4 and try this again when you're ready. Ground yourself first. See the footnotes for the science behind this.

4. Give yourself a time out, if need be

Too triggered to connect? Rather than sending your child away (which I don't advocate regardless), let her know that you're upset and that you need to calm down. It's okay to use those words; you're modeling real feelings and the need we all have for space to process. Your tone can reflect your feelings here; model authenticity. Make sure she's in a safe place and assure her that you're coming back soon. Of course, stay within a safe distance if your child is young.

Taking time to compose yourself is always preferable to saying or doing something you'll regret later. Avoid labeling your reason for distance as being because of something your child did (which can result in shame); rather, model it as a healthy way to cool off when you're too triggered to speak calmly. "I feel..." statements work well here (as in, "I feel frustrated and need to go into the bedroom to calm down, but I'll be back in a minute."). For little kids who don't yet understand time as we do, it helps to give them a frame of reference they understand, such as, "I'll be back by the time you could sing the ABC song three times." When you're in a calmer place, go back to your child and try idea #3 again.

5. Leave the scene of the crime 

It's easy to stay mad about a situation when you're still looking right at it. Maybe something your child did triggered you; maybe he said something that pushed you over the edge (or maybe, just maybe, the issue was just yours but it manifested in him). If you're still feeling triggered, invite your child to another location to discuss what happened and how to improve things for the future.

Best case scenario, you head outside together to talk about it. Fresh air is amazing medicine. Or, your approach might simply be, using collaborative language, "Let's go sit on the floor together in the living room and work through this." (Unusual locations can give you a new perspective mentally, strange as it sounds.) Physically removing yourself from the place where you had your most visceral reaction can be tremendously helpful for your psyche. It's literally neutral territory. A change of scenery can help you see more clearly before you work through whatever happens next. Refrain from creating a "danger zone" where you simply move your child elsewhere for so-called punishment; this is intended to be a safe space for you both.

Extend grace to your child, just as you hope others will for you. Oh, yeah. And breathe.  Anger has a place in parenting, just like it does in all relationships. Fortunately, a strong connection can overcome the tough moments. And with gentle parenting, you can demonstrate effective and loving ways to help your kids navigate it in their own lives.

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**Source: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-anger-iceberg/

*** Source: http://www.apa.org/monitor/nov04/hormones.aspx 

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