fbpx

You Are Here: How to Diffuse Big Feelings

Anyone with someone small in the house knows how BIG the feelings can be. As parents, we commit all sorts of unconscionable crimes: we deliver a pancake in the wrong shape; put the ketchup on the pasta instead of next to it (and yes, we’ve agreed to ketchup on pasta); we’ve put the wrong sock on first.
The Big Feelings come. As parents and as human beings, we may be inclined to do all sorts of things to make it right for our little ones, or (I’ll write in hushed tones) to just make it stop. In my experience, very few of the “fixes” work when we’re already in BigFeelingLand.
 
What’s tempting to do in these moments is to try to adjust the pancake/scrape off the pasta/remove the offending sock. Bad news, though: it’s usually too late. Alternatively, in our frustration, we might tell our child (hopefully in kind terms) to find a way to deal with it. Or, we might hush the child with reassurance that “It’ll be okay” (although he or she will be quick to tell you that it certainly won’t be okay).
 
Fortunately, I have a map to help you with this familiar, yet almost always hard, territory.
 
You. Are. Here.
 
Whether you caused the Big Feelings or not, You. Are. Here. Take a few moments to remove your adult glasses and be present. Notice the intensity of your child’s feelings (um, how could you miss them?), and really notice them. Let yourself feel empathy before rushing to solve the problem.
 
Let your child see that You. Are. Here. Get as physically close as your child will allow and be still; be present with the feelings (yours and your child’s). Your silence and presence, even amidst your child’s emotional chaos, is an incredible healer.
 
Then, let your child hear that You. Are. Here. The most powerful words in our house are “I understand.” Like all of us, children long to be heard when something doesn’t go their way; they long to be “seen” as valid, including for what seem to be their most nonsensical feelings.
 
You. Are. Here.
 
At this point, you may or may not gain any points for fixing the problem that started it all; often, it’s about letting their frustrations out, more than making things “right” (but do offer to rectify the situation if your action caused the distress).
 
What matters most, and what they’ll remember most, is that You. Were. Here.
More about Sarah R. Moore
Sarah R. Moore is an internationally published writer and the founder of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting. You can follow her on FacebookPinterest, and Instagram. She’s currently worldschooling her family. Her glass is half full.

Table of Contents

Stay in Touch

You want PRACTICAL and ACTIONABLE parenting tips. That's exactly what we'll send you when you join our mailing list -- and nothing more.

Share on facebook
Share on twitter
Share on pinterest
Share on email
Share on print
 

Copyright © 2020 | All Rights Reserved

Sign in

Please sign in if you’re already registered.
Don’t have an account with us? Sign up using the form below and get some free bonuses!

Premium Content

This content is only available for subscribed users. Please log in if you’re already registered, or sign up.

You will be redirected to the premium content upon clicking the button and we will send you an email.
We are committed to keeping your contact information confidential. We will not sell it.